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Triggering (SI/Suicide) - I don't know what I'm expecting.
I don't do this much because I don't know what I expect to happen. There's nothing anyone can do and I know alot of people here don't like me because I am cold and disconnected.
Talking to people about how I feel just seemed to make it worse ( councellors, doctors, friends, family), so I stopped, pretended to be fine. Did all the stuff I was supposed to. And its still as bad as it always was.
They tell me I'm fine, the professionals.
Fine, fine, fine.
Always fine.
You'd think I would know if it was fine, wouldn't you.
I don't know what to do. I feel so close to the edge. I can't stop crying tonight and thats very rare for me. I've tried to get in touch with some friends and I just don't know what to say to them anymore because they know it all already and they can't do a thing to change it.
I tried to hurt myself to see if that stopped the crying but I'm just as emotional now as I was before.
I don't want to pretend anymore, I don't want to do pointless talking and I don't want to be alive.
I hate myself more for posting because I feel like I'm just being dramatic.
My boyfriend is finding out more about the real me and I know he doesn't like it. It won't be long until he leaves aswell.
I hate this so much.
As the title says, I don't know what I expect you to say, because really there isn't anything to say.
It's just Claire in perfect Claire world with her looks and her intelligence and her figure and her friends and family, being a pathetic attention seeker again.
But its not what they see. I wish they could feel like this for just a day so they'd know. Then they'd tell me I'm right to want to die.
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take care of yourself.
