Life, please... no more

[Kahlia1981]

anxiety is through the roof at the moment. probably because of the damn v8 cars just a few blocks away. i wish someone would bomb them. a damn stinger missile right into the middle of them, something.

it's so damn noisy all day .... like a really loud drone all ****ing day. then they had a stupid party last night that was like the worst music you could possibly imagine punctuated with bouts of "yeah!" and "what do you think of that townsville?". well since you ask . . . i think that all of you are retarded, you should all be forced to reimburse all the citizens who live up to four blocks away with 4 million dollars per day AND you should reimburse the shopkeepers whose livelihoods you are stealing by holding your crap event. that's right STEALING. money only comes into certain venues like nightclubs and fastfood venues. the real shops LOSE money on this event. the majority of stores are forced to close their doors because their customers CANNOT EVEN ACCESS THEIR STORES DUE TO ROAD CLOSURES!

and the best bit is that a law has been passed to say that no resident or store owner can make a complaint about anything to do with the event.

goddamn i wish i could phone in a bomb threat . . . or just destroy townsville altogether - but at least i should not have to suffer though another one of these events in this ******** of a city.

i didn't leave the house yesterday. my housemate took pity on me. i got scared by two of our neighbours. they started fighting and i went into a panic attack. the problem then was that i was staring in their direction - and if they had seen me they would have started on me - so he had to get me to look somewhere else, but as i was totally freaking out things got kinda complicated.

naturally i then got scared by everything - noises, birds, people tapping on doors ... literally everything. on the positive side, i got quite a bit of "content" and information for my assessment collected and collated but now i'm so stressed and it's still freaking me out.

my housemate said i don't have to go out today either because it's the last day of the v8s. i'm just so sick of being scared. yesterday i thought of throwing myself out of my bedroom window because i'm just so over it all. the thoughts and urges keep getting stronger . . .

i just don't know

[Kahlia1981]

had to go to the shops this afternoon to get dinner. we didn't even end up eating it. i made it to the shops . . . i don't know how. i threw up when i got there for ... quite a long time. not pleasant for anyone involved. my poor stomach was already in screaming agony from the walk. every step i take sees a nice stabbing pain aroundabout where i guess my right ovary would be. . . i don't know, i'm not great at anatomy.

anyway, i nearly collasped head first into the toilet but i managed to get out of there alive and made it home. my housemate was talking on the phone and i realised it was to his daughter and i was met with a conundrum - be quiet or do the dishes so we would be able to eat. i ended up chosing to do the dishes because my housemate woke up feeling really unwell with flu-likie symptoms this morning and i thought it would be better if we ate early.

so i did the dishes, feeling really guilty for making noise all the time, and after he had gotten off the phone he just casually came up and asked me how the trip was. anyway we talked about what we wanted to do and decided to have a smoke to let the pan that we needed to cook dry and talk and let me "relax" and so forth.

after that i asked him if he wanted to see a "freaky" filmclip - Lisa Mitchell: Coin Laundry - and so we watched that, and then I asked him if he wanted me to cook and he said he wasn't hungry. so i could have skipped the trip up to the shop.

i'm not upset by the way, as much as i would have liked to have not gone - especially with all the hoons drag racing each other down the main street - but i'm just so stressed that i'm freaking myself out without even trying now and i am just getting to the point that i don't know what to do. it's becoming a "do i stay or do i go" type situation. *sigh*

i guess i'll know when the **** hits the fan.

[crazykat]

No words of advice but I'm thinking of you *hugs*

[risenfromperdition]

thinking of you <3

[Kahlia1981]

starting to lose it - nothing new there i guess.

wrote an email to the lady from the independent (personal) advocacy place because the HQCC has adviced me to get my psychiatrist to organise a meeting with the Director of the hospital, the Director of IMHS and the Director of Regional Health and my psychiatrist and me to come to an agreement about my diagnosis and treatment. They strongly advised me not to go to this meeting alone, so I'm seeking a legal (and friendly) advocate to go with me - who I will never mention until I show up at the meeting. The HQCC has said that if my psych won't arrange the meeting, they will. Anyway I want to get the advocate onside before organising anything else.

I freaked out my housemate today. I was standing at my window in my bedroom - the one room in the unit with no flyscreen - and it was open. We're on the third floor and I've jumped out this window before - but then I was manic, and when I'm manic I have a way of managing tricks like that. Anyway he spoke to me and apparantly I didn't answer so he kept talking while walking towards me until I realised a) that he was there and b) that we was talking to me. The next time I was in the room I was staring at the window and he saw me and walked straight in and closed in.

I have to confess that I haven't tested the point because I do not wish to unduly upset him, but I'm pretty sure that if I was to walk into the room and open the window and spend an unusual amount of time in there he would head in there to check if I was okay - or if he heard the sound, do pretty much the same thing, and most likely close the window.

I am getting frustrated with my TAFE studies because of the lack of responses from my TAFE Diploma Co-ordinator. I sent him an email 3 weeks ago asking him a simple question: Where can I find a copy of the Marking Criteria/Guide? I have still not received a response. I only just received this week an assessment that I submitted only a couple of days earlier than the email regarding the Marking Criteria. I realise that he will have a large number of students, and also that TAFE has recently had a large number of staff quit/get fired through cutbacks, however if you are unable to take on the students, don't take on the students. Not for the knowledge of my family, I am looking to enrol at RMIT through OUA to do IT and earn a nice Bachelor's degree that will basically give me programming and allow me to do my other loves of databasing and web design/programming as well. Anyway, I'm going to finish this assignment - which could be fun with no Marking Criteria - then write an email to the head of Brisbane North Institute of TAFE explaining why I'm withdrawing. Then, I'm withdrawing. With a GPA of 7.0 I can get into uni without too many hassles . . .

Tomorrow I have to go to the hospital for a "1 Day Education Class" at Pain Management Clinic. I'm just hoping that I'm going to be able to cope with it. First I am going to have to get up fairly early. Second a bus trip - well two bus trips technically. Thirdly I have to spend all fricking day at the hospital. After that we just have the fact that they are going to spend the whole day talking about pain and how it comes from your head (no ***** sherlock) and how your body copes and deals with it (like I don't know that from doing all that anatomy, physiology and neuro-anatomy). Seriously, it's like my housemate said; we're like crack-addicts. We're not coming here [to pain management] because they're the best. We're coming because we have nowhere else to go.

So tired. So damn tired. But my brain is so wired up with the anxiety it's like there's some fricking disco going on in my brain.

*screams*

[crazykat]

No words of advice but I am here if you ever need to talk or anything *hugs lots*

[SoMuchMore]

*hugs* I hope that the class in the hospital goes okay and that the plan for advocacy works out for you.

I said this in the virtual psych ward yesterday, but i want to say it again, I think that it is awesome that despite how much you are struggling with things right now that you are still managing to get out and keep trying. I am really proud of you for that. It takes a very strong person to keep going out despite anxiety and other feelings and try to keep their life moving. You can beat this :)

[mouse in darkness]

I am sorry you are having such a bad time pritty princess. Missing you dearly. I do hope things turn around soon. Take care. You are doing well despite what has been going on. Hold on tight. Ok

*I give you gentle bear hugs*.

[Kahlia1981]

I ended up having three days at the hospital last week. It really didn't do my anxiety any good . . .

Anyway: on Tuesday I went up there for my 1 day Education Class for Pain Management Clinic. It was as boring as hell. They had three breaks - the longest of which was a half hour for lunch during which I managed to roll and have a smoke and nick over to the "Medi-link Retail Centre" and grab something to eat and drink.

The topics were basically on the anatomy of pain and how we could ease it with movement, medications and devices etc. For quite a bit of it I felt like I could have done better to have enroled myself in anatomy, physiology and possibly neuro-anatomy courses. . . if I'd been interested enough.

Anyway, the outcome of that is that I now have an appointment with a physiotherapist on the 6th of August - which I believe is the first of three appointments before I even see a Doctor from the Pain Management Clinic. . . I'm so excited [sarcasm].

On Wednesday my housemate had an Echo and Stress test for his heart and I said I would accompany him and, quite luckily, my mother had agreed to drive us up there and pick us up and drop us home afterwards so it was back to the hospital again. Anyway, my housemate coped quite well with the tests - apparantly they got all the data they needed without him having chest issues, which is a good sign - so hopefully all is good.

While we were up there we decided that I should go and try and corner my physio for 5 minutes about the strange noise I've been getting in my shoulder, so when he was heading in for his Stress test I went to Allied Health. I only stayed until he had finished so I didn't get to see her so I got a phone call offerring me an appointment on Friday (23 June). I rang them and confirmed and so forth.

Thursday was a pretty quiet day after the two days before, although my housemate freaked out when we got the mail. He had an appointment letter from cardiac. It had been sent a few days before so definitely was in no way related to the investigations, but it still unnerved him until he looked at the date.

Friday I headed back to the hospital to see the physio and explained why I'd been there and so forth. Because I've been "passed" to Pain Management my next appointment with her (4 August) is my last one. Apparantly they don't like to have two practitioners working with the same patient - which I can kind of understand. Two different approaches can make for confusion and also if they don't align exactly - which do you follow?

Anyway, on Saturday night we had one of the neighbours from the Housing Commission units came over and the three of us played a game of Frustration. I have to confess it'd been quite a while since I'd played. The only bad part (really) was that the neighbours child came over with balloons. That probably doesn't sound so bad, but balloons (generally) are made of latex, which can kill me. I always feel so bad when I have to ask kids not to play with them around me because they don't understand what they have the power to do. I just feel so mean.

Had a chat to my housemate at night on the 24 June. Told him I felt like I "wanted to disappear". He said he could see why - with the anxiety and everything. We had a chat about stuff. Was kind of cathartic really - getting things out in the open. I think he knew a lot of it already though.

On Sunday (25 June) I made it to my 23 month milestone. We also went out to my housemate's parents house for lunch. It was really good. I had a nice chat with his mother about "life, the universe, and everything". Still eating through Xanax like nobody's business, but my anxiety isn't letting up for anything ... it just really doesn't want to let go.

Yesterday I spent quite a bit of time working on my assignment. I'm growing tired of it ... but it has to be done.

Tomorrow I see the psychiatrist. I really hope he has some answers. I just don't know what to do anymore. Things are beginning to get a bit out of control.

I even found myself arranging the kitchen knives last night. Thankfully I stopped before we ended up with the entire contents of the cutlery drawer all over the bench.

*sigh*

I think I may have lost the plot.

[Kahlia1981]

Well today we had a visit from OzCare. My chick is cool, she kind of works with how I'm going and listens to me - but also really works out how things are going. She and I have talked about increasing my assertiveness and also working on my anxiety.

I got a phonecall today from the Advocacy people. The guy said he will sit in on the meeting - after I explained the background in as much detail as I could. The really great news about this is that I can go into my meeting with the psychiatrist tomorrow and start trying to get him to organise the meeting - which I was not prepared to do until I knew that there was someone on my side.

But I also have to talk to the psychiatrist about
- my fascination with jumping out the bedroom window (haven't done it but I keep opening the window and my housemate is getting concerned)
- my fascination with knives (last night I took all the knives out of the knife block and did an inventory of them but as I said in the last post managed to stop before I had the entire contents of the cutlery drawer on the bench)
- my fascination with fire (cigarettes, lighters, lighting up my clothing usually, again haven't done it but mostly through either luck or my housemate calling my name)
- my agoraphobia (the anxiety isn't lessening even though I'm taking no less than 8mg of Xanax and 50mg of the beta-blocker a day, and most days upping the Xanax to 10mg)

*sigh*

I had a phonecall from a friend today. She and her long-term partner had/have split up. She has a physical disability and a mental illness and he has never been able to deal with the mental illness. She's just recently been started on a broad spectrum anti-depressant and is in a pretty vulnerable state. Together they have a 4 year old daughter. I'm not sure how things are going to roll with her . . . I just hope that she is going to be okay.

It seems weird, she's 36 tomorrow and I'm 28 but I feel kind of "big sister" instincts towards her and have done pretty much since I've met her. Some of the **** she has been through, I have been through, though of course to differring degrees. I guess we just look out for each other. We value each other for who we are not who we should be.

Meh. Starting to freak out about tomorrow's appointment already . . .

[Kahlia1981]

The psychiatrist appointment went well - really well.

He said the SH [bedroom window/knives/fire] type behaviour/urges were probably being brought on by the anxiety. Sort of old coping strategies that used to work/seem to work so the brain thought/thinks they might/should be useful in the current situation.

He upped the Propananol (beta-blocker). It isn't working, but we're still stepping it up. He seems to think that the next step if we can't get it to work is a tricyclic anti-depressant. He realises that both me and my housemate are really against anti-depressants, and especially tricyclics, but he understands why.

For anyone who reads (yeah I know, a small few) and doesn't know - I have schizo-affective disorder bipolar type and anti-depressants tend to trigger me towards suicide. Tricyclics are the most dangerous anti-depressants on the market, hence making them the biggest risk.

Anyway, my housemate and I have talked about it, and if things get to it we are willing to take the risk as long as there are safeguards in place: like a chemist controlled script so that I only have, say 6 tablets in the house at one time. And the tablets will be stored in the lounge room, as opposed to the bedroom. Various other such things will have to be approved by all parties - but if necessary I think that step can be taken.

Anyway, the other thing I was packing it in about - the meeting - seems like it isn't going to be necessary. I showed my psychiatrist the "closure" letter from the HQCC and explained to him what they said I should do about it. He said that because he would be my treating doctor it wouldn't be necessary, although I/he could go ahead if I wanted to. I decided not to at that point. That leaves the option open to me if it does become necessary however.

Anyway, he is going to see my again on Friday August 6th to see how things are going.

Things have been .... interesting since I saw him. I was supposed to stop off at reception after I saw him and sign my Medicare form and tell them when I was coming in . . . I forgot. I was freaking out so badly that I just walked straight out of there. *sigh* The whole hospital complex really badly scares me.

The night I saw the psychiatrist I didn't sleep. Not a wink all night. I don't know why I didn't. There was no reason for me not to sleep. I went and lay down a couple of times to try and sleep, but I couldn't switch off. I probably should have gone in and grabbed a tablet of Mogadon (sleeping tablet) but I have to confess I didn't even think of it.

The good news is that while I wasn't sleeping I made the break-through that I needed on my TAFE assignment. It meant that I could get the template completed, and then the base pages finished - just the skeletons - so that all they needed was their individual content to be added. I even managed to populate (fill-in content for) a couple of the pages!

The assignment is still (very much) a work in progress, but now has only one page left to be populated. To which I can only reply, thank goodness. I really cannot wait to submit this assignment and all it's bits and f*ck off.

I'm looking at studying at RMIT through OUA. But I can't say a word to my family about it or they'll just spend so much time telling me how badly I'm going to fail. You know, if they ever turned all that negative energy into positive energy the world would fall on it's arse.

I'm just so glad I slept last night.

Anyway, on the matter of my arm:

It really hasn't been good. Since about 10 or 11 this morning my arm has been doing something nasty. Whenever it moves the central/midline type areas (areas close to the body) it feels like it is attached to the body by shooting pain. Like all the nerve fibres are just triggering their pain responses on a high level and that is all that is connecting my arm to my body. However; when my arm is in the central/midline type position/s it instead is filled with severe pins and needles.

I've sent my sister a text asking her to let me know when she's got a minute because my arm/shoulder is concerning me. Now I just have to wait until she responds. I'm pretty sure it isn't supposed to do that ... I just don't know what is going on, or what I'm supposed to do about it. I'm just hoping it doesn't mean a hospital trip. - And as much as I'm either an agnostic or an aetheist, right now I'm hoping and praying it doesn't mean a hospital trip . . .

I'd better go, it feels so weird typing with pins and needles. . .

[Kahlia1981]

I heard from my sister regarding my arm. She thinks that I may have made my arm go "numb" while I slept. It's something that happens to all of us, but tends to be worse for the hyper-mobile. However, because of the surgery I may not (read did/will not have noticed that it went numb). Therefore I only noticed when the feeling came back - which it did with a vengeance.

She said that it would explain the symptomatology - the pain on extension away from the body, and the pins and needs otherwise. She says that she gets the same thing, but has noticed that because of the laxity in the ligaments the effects can take up to a week to subside.

At least it's nothing to be concerned about.

[crazykat]

No words of advice but I have read and I am thinking of you. Let me know if I can help at all in anyway *hugs lots*

[Kahlia1981]

Kat - *cuddles* Thanks. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and reply.

We went out on Saturday night for "drinks" (non-alcoholic in our case) for a friends 30th birthday. The place was down the Strand (the nickname for the beachfront) at a place called The Watermark - the most expensive Restaurant/Bar in the city!

Anyway it was supposed to be at 20:30 but she (the friend) changed the time to 21:30. My housemate and I were all dressed and ready early which was kind of nice. I even put on a dress which I had never worn before. I'd never worn it because I was always afraid it would be too "clingy" and either make me look pregnant or just like a fat cow. I asked my housemate about it because it didn't seem too bad in the mirror and he said it looked okay - he said "I've seen a lot of people wearing things that they really shouldn't wear, and that doesn't fit into that category".

Anyway we caught a cab down there and were early so we had a drink while we waited and then went out the front for a smoke. Two more people showed up so we had a chat to them, and then a third. We walked in and got a drink and a table and then the birthday girl turned up with her ex-husband and the fly-in guest (she'd come all the way up from Brisbane).

All-in-all it was a good night although we didn't continue on into the night-club strip and we got home about midnight. We had a cup of coffee, believe it or not, when we got home and crashed into bed not waking until midday yesterday!

Yesterday was basically a write-off for us though. I crashed out again at about 16:00 after not really managing to do anything and my housemate forced me back into the land of the living at 18:00 to a) do the medication thing and b) try and stay awake so that I would be able to sleep last night . . .

We still didn't get anything done. . .

Basically I think we took our medication, he arranged dinner, I arranged a movie to watch and organised the living room so that we could watch said movie, we watched the movie - with one or two smoke breaks, we set the living room back to normal and basically did our wind-down activities in preparation for bed!

I went to bed however, and was lying there with my brain ticking over into stupid mode. It really didn't want to let me sleep. After about 30 minutes of so I got up and took a Mogadon (sleeping tablet).

Thankfully that crashed me out until 07:00 this morning so hopefully I can start to get myself back into some sort of order. . . Maybe.

[clear_skies]

Glad you had a good night, The Watermark is lovely :)
Take care.

[mouse in darkness]

I am glad that you did that. Hugs princess.

[Kahlia1981]

Well I did two really big things today.

The first was that I submitted what is going to be my last assessment in my TAFE Diploma. It's the only (and therefore last) assessment in the second (and last) subject in Stage 6 (out of 18) however there are some mitigating circumstances that are resulting in my withdrawing from the course.

On the 28th of June I wrote an email to the Brisbane North Institute of TAFE LMS Help Desk (with a cc to the Diploma Co-ordinator) asking for a Marking Criteria/Guide, or assistance to find the Marking Criteria/Guide as I was unable to find one for the Assessment for the particular subject that I was attempting to complete. I ended it with a nice message about just wanting to make sure I did the correct thing, etc.

Anyway, to this date I have no had a reply. I submitted my assignment today. I followed the design document as closely as I could to the letter, but of course without a Marking Criteria/Guide have no way of knowing how close I am to what they want.

My next step is to write an email/letter to the Director of Brisbane North Institute of TAFE and to explain why I am completely withdrawing. I'm not certain whether I will be waiting until I get my assignment back (the last one took three full weeks from submission date until I got the marked assignment back) or whether to go "release" it before then. One thing though, you can rest assured that a copy of that email (which is still sitting in my email "Sent" box) will be attached to it.

Anyway, the second thing I did was enrol at/through Open Universities Australia to start a Bachelor of Technology majoring in Computing Studies through Royal Melbourne Institute of Technology (RMIT).

That was a process and a half. . .

I initially tried on their website to create a login because I didn't know that I already had an OUA ID. After completing all the aspects of their form I was informed that I did, and was advised to give their Student Enquiries Centre a call.

The call lasted for roughly 30 minutes, but was very rewarding. I explained my circumstances - namely that I had tried to go through the online login setup form but it had informed me that I already had an OUA ID, and that, although this was highly possible, I had no memory of ever having tried to go through any courses with them, and if the ID had been created it would most likely have been pre-2008 and therefore pre-ECT.

The advisor asked me some questions to verify whether or not I did have an OUA ID, and based on my DOB and my name it appeared that I did. She asked me for an address, and so I gave her my current address, and then we started going "back in time". We went back to around about 2006 - so definitely pre-ECT - before we found a match. We didn't have a match with the email address or phone number, but she updated all the relevant details because it seemed that the address that I was able to give + the DOB + the full name were enough to satisfy the requirements that I was the same person as the OUA ID was issued to.

She updated my address to where I am currently living, updated my email address to the one I currently use and also did the little things like updating my mobile phone number etc.

She also enrolled me in my first subject through RMIT which is to begin in Study Period 3 (SP3) on August 30. Then she sent me through a couple of bits of important information so that I could arrange my FEE-HELP and stuff like that.

She (obviously) didn't realise it, but she only gave me half (3 out of 6) of the digits of the OUA ID, but I managed to guess my "My Area" username so was able to request a new password, which meant I could access the site and so what I needed to do.

I have to confess that after the phone call I was shaking like a leaf. Seriously. It took an awful lot out of me. I was pretty close to being a complete mess.

Wow. I never thought that a single phone call would be able to reduce me to such a .... I don't know what. It was quite impressive.

I guess that all I have to do now is to finish up with Brisbane North Institute of TAFE and start getting myself into gear so that I can work my damn arse of at RMIT.

....... I just wonder what Centrelink is going to make of all of this.

[crazykat]

Glad you had a good night out at watermark, you really deserve it. Also good luck with withdrawing and good luck with the new course. Take care
Kat xxx

[Kahlia1981]

Still partly floundering in "waiting" land with TAFE. It took them three (3) weeks to get my last assignment back to me, so I'm not really expecting this one to be any quicker, but I'm working on my letter to the Director of Brisbane North in the meantime.

The last date for enrolments at Open Universities Australia (OUA) for the Bachelor of Technology (Computing Studies) through Royal Melbourne Institue of Technology (RMIT) for Study Period 3 (SP3) is the 13th of August (my brothers birthday funnily enough) so I have to wait until at least then to be able to get all the items I need to complete my subject. I'm only going to do one subject for SP3, and probably one subject for SP4, and then head into "full-time" course-load of 2 subjects a Study Period which gives me 8 subjects a year.

Anyway, tomorrow I have to be up at an incredibly ungodly hour to make it to the hospital by 08:30. Yuck. It's a physio appointment, and it's also my last appointment with this particular physio because my care is being passed over to the Pain Management Clinic as of this Friday. I'm not 100% convinced that this is a good thing, but I don't really get a say in the matter because that is the way that the system has decreed that it shall be done.

Man, I just hope it all works.

I am just so over it all. I really wish that it was all over - that I could do without the pain pills, the sleeping tablets and the "white M&Ms" (Xanax - anti anxiety pills). There are days that I just want to run away from it all - but I know that I can't run away from myself. Other days I want to do something "stupid" but I'm so close to being 2 years SI free (25th of August will see me making that milestone) ... and realistically when I'm thinking of "stupid" nowadays it's generally heading more and more towards suicide. There are days when that is all I can think of, no matter how I try to act or what sort of front I put up to those around me. *sigh*

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Extremely graphic SI/SU Trigger warning

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUepuuW7IDc[/ame]

To be honest that kind of sums up my life right now .... or it feels like it anyway. I feel like I'm just going through them motions in my everyday life because "all that's good is gone". *sigh*

Maybe I should just come to the realisation one of the main characters gets to in the movie "As Good As It Gets" .... maybe this is as good as it gets...

[crazykat]

Good luck with all the course stuff, I hope it goes smoothly. I hope tomorrows appointment goes well and the changeover is smooth for you. Please hold on there, you will get through this