Triggering (SI) - more of a worry rant than anything interesting
ok, havent been on here for a while coz i have been doing ok....1month si free. i have been doing alright, no major triggers or urges and everything seemed to be looking up...i had a great holiday and camp and made lots of friends and everything was ok. then i got my GCSE results and they werent as good as everyone had been expecting and now im not sure i willl get into the college i want and im a little bit dissapointed by it.
i also have a dilema that i dont know the answer to....i have a boyfriend that ive had for 10months now, but recently i havent felt the same about him. its like since i started to feel better in myself, i dont like him as much...almost like when i feel bad i need him and he means the world to me but when i feel good i dont love him as much and thats not good im sure....it sounds selfish but he is like my anchor, he keeps me sane when i need him but when i dont need him im not his biggest fan...ok, now im making me sound more like a bitch the more i say so ill stop. but i also met another guy on camp who i really like, i dont think anything will happen between us but jus the fact that im interested in other guys cant be good for my relationship. but i dont want to hurt my boyfriend by breaking up with him.....but im not as happy in the relationship as i used to be.....i dont know what to do. well i do, i think i should break up with him, but i cant....
also, i have an appointment at the psycologists (sp?!) next week that i got told about last night, and i know that even though i have been feeling better and doing better, talking about it all will just drag me back to where i was a few months ago, and i dont want that. thats when i need my boyfriend...but i cant expect him to be there for me if i break up with him and i cant keep him in the dark by staying with him just for his support...thats using him which i dont want to do. ive put him through enough pain and i dont want to hurt him anymore....i dont want to do this on my own, alone. i can feel everything slipping through my fingers slowly...
anyway, what would you do in my position? any advice is appreciated....sori i sounded like such a bitch in that rant....(sori bout the essay-ness too)
XxX row
"Tonight i will dance on the graves of all my darkest days,
and erase all the worries of all the time i wasted, my scars may never go away but i'll learn not to mind them along the way"
Well, firstly welcome back to RYL. It's great to hear that you have been doing well. You should be really proud of yourself, one month SI free is something to celebrate and congratulate yourself for!
Sorry to hear about your GCSE marks, have you applied to colleges and what not yet? When are you planning on do that? When do you expect to hear from them? I know that not doing as well as you had thought can be really disappointing, but it's not the end of the world. You sound like you have been doing a lot of work emotionally and allowing yourself to focus on you right now, and perhaps that's more important? I know that college is important, but let's not fret too much about the unknown, rather let's make plans...what are your backup plans if you don't get into college? Are there things that you can do to get in for the next semester? Things you want to do and explore? Sometimes having an action plan before knowing the outcomes to things can help us sort out all those jumbled thoughts that are going on in our head. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, so just take your time, and things will work themselves out.
It sounds like there is a lot of thoughts going on with regards to you and your boyfriend. I do completely understand what you are saying with regards to him being you anchor, and what not. I am wondering if you met him when you were going through a lot of your own issues? Sometimes we find people that can help us, support us, and love us for who we are in that particular moment but when things change so do our feelings. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing that you feel differently with your boyfriend now that you are feeling better about yourself and life is going well. Perhaps you need to get to know him...I know that likely sounds a little weird, but it's surprising how much we don't really know a person, or maybe we don't know an entire person, just like you are likely different in this new outlook of life. Have you ever talked to him about his feelings about the relationship? I think it's natural to find other people attractive and like them. I would suggest really doing some soul searching, and ask yourself is your boyfriend really the person that you want to be with? are you ready to move on? You said that you can't break up with him, because you don't want to hurt him, but darling, you can't also stay in a relationship if you aren't happy with it. Give yourself some time, and think about everything. RYL is here if you want to bounce thoughts and what not off of.
I understand your apprehension about going to see the psychologist. Maybe now that you have given yourself some space and are feeling better than you did a couple months ago, you are in a better head space to start processing stuff? Perhaps you could communicate with your psychologist that you are feeling better than you were, and are afraid of feeling like you did in the past, and they could likely assist you in this. It's important to talk about the issues that are underneath if you have yet to deal with them. they are only going to come back and haunt you if you don't.
Take a breath darling, you don't have to decide everything in a day and surely everything is not going to come crashing down right away. I think it is important to create a support network outside of just your boyfriend...do you have this already? Is this a possibility for you? Do you have any friends or family that you could lean too if things become a little too hard to handle? It's important to have safety networks around you, talk to the therapist that you are meeting with I am sure that they can assist you in this too.
Well my darling, I hope I was at least some type of help, even if it just meant that I was listening to you. Take each thing one step at a time, and allow yourself to get the support and assistance that you need right now. Let us know how things go, take care of yourself.
It's a pretty difficult situation. You obviously need support at the moment, but I don't think it's fair to stay with him purely for that reason. There are plenty of other people out there who will be able to give you that same support that he is giving you, you just need to find the right person. But you never know, if you explain what you're feeling to your boyfriend, he might still be willing to stay friends. And in that case, you will still have his support. But I really don't think it's fair to stay with him if you don't feel the same towards him that you used to. Only you can make that final decision though.
thanks guys that really helped. especially your help ashleigh. i do have a network of a few mates that i can talk to but now im going to college im pretty sure those few links will become weak if not lost. i broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago...i feel bad about it coz i hurt him so much but i also feel relieved like i did the right thing. i just wish he could see that...he keeps telling me how hurt he is and how depressed he feels and although it makes me feel guilty it also annoys me coz he doesnt no what its like to be depressed...im a bit worried about him tho, hes acting completely out or character...
the college i applied to said they will probs still give me a place but i might have to change half my subjects...including the one i wanted to persue as a carreer so now my entire prospects are in the air...im going nowhere.
its getting harder to keep going, these last few days have been packed full of urges and i dont no how long i can fight them for....
sori bout this.....sori bout everything.....
"Tonight i will dance on the graves of all my darkest days,
and erase all the worries of all the time i wasted, my scars may never go away but i'll learn not to mind them along the way"
its much worse to be in a relationship that you dont want to be in, just lying to yourself trying to make it work. you are better off, you both will be, really.
that sucks about your classes but you can probably still take them, it'll just take longer, right? if you have to take other classes first.
