Relationship Utlimatium (possible trig)

Tweetyluver07 · 13-07-2010, 04:48 AM

So I've been dating a guy for a while now, we're really serious. I've told him everything about me, let him in. Thats the first time I've EVER done that with a person. Ever. And the same with him to me. We're each others other half so to speak. I don't know what I'd do without him. And I havent cut since we've been together, except during a couple times we broke up in the beginning. So yesterday some stuff happened with my family, alcohol involved that kindof thing, and I couldnt get up with my guy to talk about things. I caved. I was soo upset. Everything was a mess. And he is frustrated with me at first because I can't tell him whats wrong. I feel like he should just get it. And he doesn't. I tell him that I caved. And he gives me this big ultimatium about how I promised to not do it while I was with him and how if i ever did it again it would be the end of us. This just puts more pressure on me. Has anyone had this happen? Its soo frustrating. I dont know how to talk to him because he gets soo frustrated cause he's scared I'm going to seriously hurt myself. I dont know how to handle this or go about it. Advice would be greatly appreciated.

dramaqueen · 13-07-2010, 06:15 AM

Well, I understand why he is scared - there is a real possibility that you'll hurt yourself farther than intended. But I also don't think it's fair of him to make you promise not to do it and to get upset because you had a slip. Like you said, the pressure does not help.

Maybe you could talk to him and find a compromise... explain to him that you can't promise not to do it, but you can promise to do your best to avoid it and to be as safe as possible if you do it. And he can be concerned, but if you do "cave" to your triggers he has to be understanding, to be there for you, instead of being frustrated and to giving ultimatums.

Tweetyluver07 · 13-07-2010, 07:03 AM

see thats what happened when i originally caved. he knew i was a cutter. but hadnt ever seen it. we were in this huge fight. i thought i lost him and tore my arm apart. and we got into a fight over that and it came down to when we both calmed down i said i cant promise that i wont but ill promise to do my best to not as long as i have you and he promised id always have him.. but now, its just its hard to talk to him he sees it as a choice, somethign i choose to do.. he doesnt understand sometimes i really dont choose to. i cant help but to. its a serious problem. i get that.. i just i need his support. he just gets frustrated with me when i try to talk to him. how do i get him to not be frustrated?

88shelz · 13-07-2010, 12:24 PM

i had many ultimatums.
i also caved many times and my then partner still stood by me
finally it got too much for him.
i always thought when harming that it didnt matter cuz he would forgive me ...there comes a time though when people stop forgiving and cant stand by anymore.

so talk to him and come up with a plan of how you are both gonna tackle this problem if it arises again. let him know that ultimatums are no good because it pressurises you but that you realy do want to stay harm free;.

dramaqueen · 13-07-2010, 04:06 PM

Well, can you talk to him openly about SI? Or get him to read about it? Maybe if he understands it better he can process it better

Dreaming. · 13-07-2010, 04:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chelle

i always thought when harming that it didnt matter cuz he would forgive me ...there comes a time though when people stop forgiving and cant stand by anymore.

so talk to him and come up with a plan of how you are both gonna tackle this problem if it arises again. let him know that ultimatums are no good because it pressurises you but that you realy do want to stay harm free;.

This is really good advice. You can understand SI better than anybody in the world, but if your partner is hurting yourself it's near impossible to stand by and watch. It's understandable that he's struggling, just as it's understandable that you're struggling too.

I agree with Chelle though - sit down, talk it through and try to find ways to cope, for both of you.

Take care.

Tweetyluver07 · 14-07-2010, 06:17 AM

thats the problem with a country boy. he doesnt understand it. he doesnt want to. he see's it as a choice. something ''i know better'' than to do. he doesnt see it as an addiction. ive tried explaining. he just cant wrap his mind around it. ive tried talking. i just i dont know. i dont want him to sit ack and watch. im fighting as hard as i can. i just dont want him to baileither. thank you guys for the advice. this has helped a lot so far.

TomiJoseph · 15-07-2010, 03:25 AM

Hmmm, I kinda had the same thing happen with one of my friends. He said if I cut again that he wouldn't talk to me anymore. He thought that that was the best way to get me to stop. I think your boyfriend is REALLY worried about you and is willing to do whatever to get you to stop, even if the way he is doing it isn't the best. What I ended up doing was go to therapy and go on medication. Proved to him that I am seriously trying to get better. That way when I slip up, he's more likely to see it as a mistake rather than a choice. Maybe if you tried your best to get help, your bf would be a lot more forgiving towards you if you do slip up.

Best of luck! *hugsicle