Life, please... no more

[crazykat]

*Hugs lots* Good luck for your study, I hope it goes well. I've had similar happen to me, where I thought an abuser was in the room so I know how terrifying it can be. Glad you managed to calm yourself down though. Here if you ever need to chat. Take care
Kat xxx

[Kahlia1981]

Nicole (MID): *hugs you tightly* Thank you so much sweetheart. I really appreciate your kind words, the hugs and your warm wishes.

Kat: Although I'm sorry to hear that you have had a similar experience I am glad to know that I am not alone. Thank you for your offer of a chat and also thanks for the hugs. Thank you also for your well wishes in relation to my study. It means a lot to me that you took the time to respond Kat. *cuddles you*

Well I got the results from Stage 1 of my Diploma back on Sunday to find I had passed both subjects and am free to move onto Stage 2. I couldn't enrol in Stage 2 on Sunday because the online Centrelink concession check is unavailable on Sundays so I put my enrolment in yesterday. Now I just have to wait for it to clear and my subjects to become available. I don't know whether they have to wait for my results from Stage 1 to be fully processed before they can allow me to enter Stage 2 however. This could take a couple of days, but I hope not.

My mother's birthday was on Sunday and we had morning tea out at my parents place. I actually did pretty well. I guess it was because I wasn't out there all that long, but I only had two cigarettes while I was out there, and didn't feel "stuck". I did catch "the first [car] back to town" however. But it was good to be with the family even if I do feel like the black sheep.

I'm going to the GP today and it could be an interesting session I have a few things that I need to discuss with him and one of them he might not believe.

Basically if anything touches my throat/windpipe area I start to choke. And when I say anything, I mean anything. From clothes to a seatbelt to a child to a physio. My old GP gave me an Exemption from Wearing a Seatbelt whilst Driving but never investigated the problem. But now it is affecting what type of clothes I can wear. *sigh*

I also have to get some bloods done . . . yay . . .

Still, one step at a time right? After all . . . a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step . . . but so does falling down a flight of stairs.

[mouse in darkness]

*Hugs you tight* kahlia
I hope it all goes well. I truly do. And I know what you speak is true as I have known and seen it. Loves ya pritty princess.

[crazykat]

Well done on passing, I'm proud of you. Glad it went okay with your mum too. Good luck with your GP, I hope it goes well.

[mouse in darkness]

Go kahlia have you gotten enrolled in stage two? I hope it goes well. Sorry the computer is giving you so much trouble.

*Hugs you tight*

[Kahlia1981]

Kat and Nicole: *big hugs* to both of you, as well as my heartfelt thanks. I really appreciate your responses.

I've managed to enrol in Stage 2 of my Diploma and have started the first subject. I've successfully completed the first assessment and am working on the second one. It's taking me a bit longer as the tasks are a bit more involved on this one - not to mention that there are quite a few of them.

I've also been spending some time trying to get my computer working properly. Windows - as with all M$ proprietry crap - is a bugger when you want thing to just run smoothly; however, I need to use it for my course, and it makes more sense to be using Vista completely than to be using a Virtual Machine with it installed.

Actually, while my housemate's computer is switched on I have to see if I can access the codecs to play .avi files through Windows Media Player. *starts repeating "Note to self" ad nauseum*

The meeting with the GP went well. I got my scripts as necessary and arranged for my blood test form. I also talked about my neck/throat choking issue. Apparantly that is caused by a damaged nerve in my neck being hypersensitive. So it flares every time there is the slightest pressure on my windpipe. My GP has agreed to give me an Exemption from Wearing a Seat Belt.

My pain meds have been increased as well. My housemate and I think he might be gearing up to put me on patches because this level is the highest he can take me to on the strongest drug available. I'm going back to see him again next week. It was quite a bit session this week . . .

I'd better go and do some more study, and then send an email to my psychiatrist. *sigh*

No rest for the wicked . . .

[mouse in darkness]

But you are far frpm wicked Kahlia you have never been wicked! I do hope that all goes well with your study. Am missing you somthing cronic. It is a bit of bad news about being only a step away from the pain patches but I do hope what you are on helps you with the pain.

*Hugs you tight but gentle so as not to hurt you*

Best wishes!

[crazykat]

All the best with the study hun. Glad it went okay with the doctor too *hugs lots*

[Kahlia1981]

Nicole (MID): I'm missing you too honey. Thank-you so much for the gentle hugs and your kind words, thoughts and wishes, they are all most appreciated. *hugs you back*

Kat: Thanks for the hugs, the well wishes and your kind words. *hugs you lots back*

Well I have successfully completed two out of three subjects in Stage 2 of my Diploma. I have completed all the study work for the third subject and just have the assessment left to do. I got the second piece of assessment back for the first subject today and the assessor actually wrote "Excellent work - I couldn't find a fault with it". I have to confess I was a bit taken aback with that.

Over the last three or so days my computer has been having issues where it will just suddenly freeze up and require a hard reboot. I basically lose control of everything. It appeared to only do it when I had either Microsoft Outlook 2007 or Windows Live Mail clients open. When I was using Mozilla Thunderbird before that it didn't have any issues, but when I switched it just would not play ball. Today I went online to access my mail and there were no crashes or freezes. Tomorrow I try again but I try my email through an email client. And we wait and see . . .

So over taking medication. Don't get me wrong, I know I need to take it. It's just that the pain meds and my "sanity" meds feel like enough to sink a ship. Then there is the asthma stuff to inhale and various other bits and pieces. Sooner or later there will probably be a pill to take so that I can take the other pills! I know that things are (and have been) much better on the meds, it's just that "sanity is a bitter pill to swallow".

I'm incredibly tired tonight. I woke up tired today. I probably could have managed to get some more sleep. My day yesterday wasn't all that brilliant.

My housemate and I borrowed his father's ute to do two dump runs. That meant quite a bit of carrying, and it also meant that we had to kill a spider. We're both severely arachnaphobic so it was really a lucky thing that we didn't scream at the top of our lungs and run for the hills. It took us both a bit to calm down and work out how to attack the spider (which was a fairly decent sized one) without getting too close to it or risk having it jump onto us. We managed it, and we managed to get all the unwanted articles away from our unit and it's garage and storage area. The two dump trips only cost us $8, but only because we had a Free Dump Voucher.

Twice over the last couple of days I've had an experience again of seeing my childhood abuser in a place where there was no way they could be. Both times it freaked me quite badly. I think my housemate might be getting concerned that I am going to start having difficulties with feeling safe in the unit soon.

My mood is a little rocky at the moment. To be perfectly honest I keep getting very strong urges towards self harm and suicide, but I also get random urges to do things like jump out of my bedroom window. At the moment I think that I am pretty much still in control, but I cannot guarantee that for one reason . . . my DID is not in control and I don't know what to do to get it into control. I really don't know. When I "change", for want of a better word, and I blackout, when I come back again all I know is that things went black. I can make an educated guess about what is most likely to have happened but . . .

I don't know. And I don't know how to find out what to do.

[crazykat]

Well done on your work, it's sounds like your doing well. Urgh I hope your computer sorts itself out, they can be a pain sometimes hey? I know what you mean with the meds I feel the same too sometimes. Have you tried any grounding techniques for the flashbacks of the abuser? Hold on there hun. Here if you need anything. Take care
Kat xxx

[Kahlia1981]

Kat: Thank-you, you've given me something to think about. I actually hadn't tried grounding techniques with the flashbacks. If and/or when it happens again that will give me something extra in the arsenal. Thank-you so much for that. I hadn't even considered it. *big hugs*

So far so good with the computer. It's been on since about 6:30 am and the Windows Live Mail client has been running and there have been no crashes or freezes. Maybe the patch that we applied has worked. *fingers crossed*

I'm going to make a start on the assessment for the third subject in Stage 2 today. I know that I have plenty of time in which to do it so I can relax and not push myself. I just hope that it all goes well.

I'm feeling semi-okay so far today. I do have to go and have a chat to Centrelink tomorrow and hand in some paperwork. That's going to be a bundle of laughs, but at least it should be over fairly quickly ... depending on how many people are there. *sigh*

My head still isn't playing very nicely, but I guess you have to take the good with the bad. *shrugs*

[Pomegranate]

*hugs* Not really in a place to logically compose a reply but I have read the last three or four pages and been thinking about you x

[crazykat]

Here is some information on flashbacks and grounding you might find useful. Glad the computer is behaving itself . Good luck with the school work and centrelink. Hold on there. Here you need anything. Take care
Kat xxx

[Merc]

Hoping you are feeling somewhat safer.
Good luck with the next assignment and huge congrats on a job well done on the other one!!
Glad your comp is behaving it self now, hope it lasts.
much love
xxx

[Kahlia1981]

Emma: *big hugs* Thanks so much sweetheart.

Kat: Thank you for the link. The information was really helpful. Some of the techniques were similar to some of the stuff my housemate and I had talked about as well. *huggles*

Romp: Lol, the computer is being good. The patch appears to be working at the moment but I kept the script in case in stuffs up again. I hope you are doing okay. *hugs you if that's okay*

I dropped my study paperwork off at Centrelink yesterday. I had told them that I had started an approved course of study so had to fill in a form and provide them with information like enrolment dates and so forth. I'm not likely to get an Education Supplement out of them but I might get an Education Entry Payment which would be good. I'm not going to hold my breath however.

Actually speaking of education, I got an email last night from the Leading Vocational Teacher who has been marking all my assessments and dealing with my questions about assessment ambiguities and mistakes in coursework. He asked me to email the Diploma coordinator and tell him where I presently was up to in the course and to outline my background and then to ask if he was able to suggest any options on tailoring a study pathway for me.

I've now had all my assessments that I have submitted (4 subjects and 5 assessments) passed first go with two of them coming back with comments like "Excellent work - I couldn't find a fault with it". The first assessment of the subject with two actually said that he couldn't wait for the second assessment.

I'm working on the assessment for the third (and last) subject in Stage 2. It's fairly involved. There are four parts and I have completed the second part. My housemate is very impressed with it.

I have to go fo now . . .

[Kahlia1981]

After an interval for dinner and part of a movie . . .

My GP made a couple of requests for me to come back in and see him, preferably on Tuesday this week. The first request came in on Friday last week. The second was via a nurse at the practice on my mobile phone on Tuesday. I already had/have an appointment tomorrow that I made before I left the practice after my last appointment so I'm wondering what was so urgent. Because I got my serum levels done after the last appointment I'm wondering if it is my lithium levels. Usually they are definitely on the high side, so it could be that that is making him uneasy. Not that there is anything he can really do about it other than try to make contact with my psychiatrist. I'm going to take in a copy of previous serum levels (that I have) just in case.

I managed to find a copy of the Seatbelt Exemption on Queensland Transport's website so I printed that and I'll take that with me as well. That means I won't have to do weird things so that I can keep breathing due to my damned nerve in my neck being so hypersensitive. *sigh*

I didn't sleep at all the night before last. I went to do "just one thing" one my computer at 8 pm, and then looked at the computer and it was after midnight!! I quickly shut everything down and turned everything off and went to bed but I was lying there thinking about the piece of assessment I had been working on. So I got up and tried to watch an episode of the US version of "Whose Line Is It, Anyway?". After that I watched another episode and had a non-alcoholic drink and then tried the bed thing again. Then got up and so forth. At about 2:45 am I realised that I might as well not even bother trying to sleep, because even if I did manage to get to sleep I had to be up and about at 6 am. That meant that it would be easier for me to spend the night awake then to have a little bit of sleep, and I would probably also cope with it better.

True to form, I did cope with it brilliantly. Until today that is.

I slept like a champion last night. In bed at 9:30 pm out of bed at 7:35 am today. But I've had seriously strong urges towards both self harm and suicide all day. After one action I did today - which wasn't dangerous with the object I used - my housemate straight out told me "I never want to see you do that again". I don't blame him either. I walked into a store and had to force myself to walk out without tools. I'm hoping that this is going to fade. Otherwise . . . No. I don't want to go back there and I will NOT go back there.

I can get through this. I just don't know how.

[mouse in darkness]

*Tight but gentle squishies* Kahlia.

I know you are troubles atpit, but I know you have the ability and will power to do it. You are my inspiration. You always have been if it were not for you I would still be well you can guess. I am and always have been greatful of your kind heart and beautiful nature. Sorry I have been absent as of late. I do hope you break the feeling away.*I send you hugs, hope, love, friendship, and a future of your desire* Hugs you always MID

[Kahlia1981]

MID: *huggles* Thanks sweetheart.

The GP was concerned about the lithium levels. They were 1.2 mmol/L. The normal range is below 1.0 but during adjustments and so forth they can get up to 1.5 without too much issue. I think the reason he was worried was that they actually had labelled it "POSSIBLE LITHIUM TOXICITY". I gave him the copy of my previous results and he calmed down about it, especially when I said that we just had to keep an eye on it and see that it didn't go up, and that there were no signs of toxicity.

I got the results from the HQCC and they were better than I was expecting. I need to read them through a few times and really digest the information because it was originally delivered over the phone and my ears couldn't believe what they were hearing. The independent clinicial has basically stated that the treatment I have received through the hospital has not been appropriate for my condition. And said that even though they are unable to change my diagnosis according to the hospital there are ways of making that happen, which should then bring the two into line.

I should be getting my new computer desk today, which will end the instability of my computer monitor and also the uneasiness whenever children are around. Our neighbour is going to help me to pick it up from the shop because it is going to be way too heavy for me to carry back, and then it will get assessmbled and, hopefully, last for many years to come.

My head is spinning. . . The findings of the HQCC have really surprised me.

[Kahlia1981]

Yesterday and today my housemate has been struggling to put up a new clothesline for us. He manged to get two holes drilled into the besser-brick yesterday but it got too dark. Today he got the other six done, plus put in the eight plugs and hooks. Later on we hooked up the line itself and now some of my washing is sitting pretty on it.

I got my new computer desk today. Assembly took quite a long time. I asked our neighbour if he would come up to the store to get it with me because I knew I wouldn't be able to walk it home, but I could never have guessed how heavy it was. The combined weight on the cartons was 90kg! We got it upstairs by unpacking it and taking it piecemeal. The instructions were no good either. The "creator" had absolutely no sense of direction. You would see three pieces in one positioning, and then in the next picture they would be sitting completely differently. It gave you no idea how they really would sit in situ.

There was also a lot of fun to be had in putting the computer back together again afterwards just because of my stupid shoulder and the location of the desk. But I managed it and everything started up. So far, so good.

I really need to crash out and get some sleep. *sigh*

[Kahlia1981]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jewel-Who will save your soul

Some are walking, some are talking, some are stalking their kill
You got social security, but that doesn't pay your bills
There are addictions to feed and there are mouths to pay
So you bargain with the Devil, say you're OK for today

Why the heck is that song ringing through my head at the moment? I don't know. I really don't. Maybe I just feel trapped in a world I can't control. I can't get away from the urges any more. There with me every waking moment. I'm starting to freak myself out with them. I can see myself doing them.

Maybe I should just embrace the reality and give in. *shrugs* We all have our destiny, and maybe this is mine. I don't really have a place in this society. I don't fit in anywhere. The places where I though I had fitted I can see that I don't. People who I thought had cared have shown me that they don't. Sometimes I guess you just have to know when to walk away. Or maybe when to run.

Maybe that time is now.