"good person"/"bad person"

[Stellata]

I'm working hard at breaking this split perception in myself. You know "I have to be perfect and sweet and nice or I'm all bad and selfish and evil". I KNOW it's not like that, not that black and white.
I'm human and I'm compassionate and understanding but, like everyone, I have a nasty side that comes out, usually when buttons are pushed.
Then there's the 'beating myself up for beating myself up' cycle, and so it goes... I REALLY want to change that.

Is anyone else working on overcoming this kind of thing? Any tips that might help me?

[-Shae-Lynn*]

I hope it's okay that I reply to this. I'm not a veteran, but I was lurking and saw your post. Sorry if it is inappropriate or anything of that nature.

I'm really bad about thinking in black and white. See, even that sentence is condemning myself to being bad. I don't only see myself in black and white, but the entire world and everyone in it. I will see people as either good or bad, no room in the middle. I see my actions as either good or bad, there is no wiggle room.

My social worker tried to get me to see the root of where these ideas were coming from. When I was little, everything was always my fault. Granted, it usually was my fault, but even when it wasn't it was automatically blamed on me. My parents. Teachers. Friends' parents. Everyone. I was always blamed. I got s used to it that I started blaming things on myself too. If anyone ever got angry or frustrated I would see it as my fault. Very quickly I saw myself as bad. Are you able to think back on an experience (or several) that would cause you to see yourself as a bad person? My social worker tried to get me to live in the gray area, or at least visit it sometimes. You take whatever thought you have and you counter it. Maybe you think you are a bad person because you didn't do the dishes. You then think "Am I really a bad person for not doing the dishes?" You find all the different reasons why you are not a bad person.
Also, you can start by saying "I am a good person who sometimes does bad things", but that is a hard place to get to and actually believe.

It's hard, but you can start to work on it. I have something in a book about it I think, I'll try to find it for you.

I'm rambling on so I'll stop. You are not a bad person though. I've seen you around RYL, someone who cares so much cannot be all bad:)


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Try going to google ( www.google.ca ) and look up black and white thinking. There are a bunch of articles about it. Maybe you can find something to help you :) Sorry if this is me pointing out the obviouse and if you've already done it!!

[ihaverabbits]

i have a lot of trouble with seeing myself in black and white. it's something i am working hard to conquer. it can be very hard at times, but keep at it. the poster above had a good idea in reminding yourself that you are a good person who sometimes makes a mistake. hang in there. if you keep trying you will eventually find a way to lessen this type of thinking and believing.

[Stellata]

Thank you both. I'll reply in more detail this evening.

ShaeLyn, I was also always blamed for everything by my father, as was my mother.

Back later.

[makedamnsure]

It is one thing to logically KNOW something. But when you FEEL something different logic suddenly seems irrelevant. We KNOW that "to err is human" and that if we are snappy with someone because we have had a difficult day it does not make us evil. But still we FEEL bad because of it.

It is easy to see where these feelings come from but the reality is that everyone can make mistakes. And actually all too often things that we would beat ourselves up over we forgive readily in other people "oh, he must be tired". So perhaps next time you find yourself beating yourself up over something stop and think how someone else would view it if they saw what you have done/not done.

[Stellata]

Thanks. :)

I'm so tired right now and can't really focus. I'll definitely come back to this tomorrow.