Okay well I just wanted to post some stuff that you all need and deserve to know, and I aint going to pretend that I aint fukked up in the head, I aint going to pretend that I am actually a human being, what am I, just an empty shell who is a compulsive liar, who isn't right in the head and who doesn't deserve a second thought from anyone on here.
Everyone on here are really good people and yeah I love the bones of you all, and this is so hard for me to write but your all good people and deserve the truth from me and not from anyone else. I may be a compulsive liar and messed up in the head, but know this, each and every one of you, the support and feelings I have for you all is genuine, and I care genuinely for you all and I see you all as people who I can really trust, and therefore I am so, so sorry that I have let you all down, and you are all within your rights never to want to speak to me again.
The accident, my mum and dad – none of it is true, its all lies. Initially, I don't know why and seriously I can't even begin to justify my actions, then everything got away from me and I made it worse and you dig a hole and I just kept on digging and digging and I should have stopped, but I didn't and I am sorry, I made a huge hole for me and I didn't at that point know how to climb back out.
The last week or so when people have been caring and asked me how I am, I have tried to skirt round talking about it, because I felt guilty, people cared about me and they did care and you all did and you are all amazing people, but every word was making me feel sick inside as I knew everything was wrong and a lie and it was all in my head, it wasn't real and I had created all these lies and it was just wrong, and to have lied to you all, when I care about you all so much, is just well I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am. Especially coz I know it has happened to some people and I can't imagine how you feel, I'm so sorry.
I know I need help, and I've asked for it. I have told people that I am compulsive liar and I can't help myself, the lies go away with me and before I know it, I am up another gum-tree and trying to work out how I get out of it. I have been doing that since I was sixteen. Every friend that I have ever been close too, I have lied too and in the end they see sense and don't want to have anything to do with me, being a compulsive liar meant lying became you know an everyday normality for me, and I know its wrong, I do and when I try to stress to say my CPN or Pysch how bad the lying is and how fukked up my head has become, all I get is well we will refer you to pyhscotherapy, what good will that do, what they need is a room, a lock and no key for me.
The truth is, my reality is this: I am 24, female, have bpd, having a loving family I don't deserve, I have a job, but am off on the sick at the moment, and who knows if it will still be there waiting for me when I am ready, I have a gambling addiction, I probably drink too much as well, I am too impulsive in every way and I can't control what I do sometimes, but I know that is no excuse. I know my mind is warped, I wanna control it.
I am sitting here at the moment, crying but its tears I deserve, I have abused everyones trust and I cannot take that back in any way, all I can say is truly, I really am sorry and well, you all do deserve better but know whatever happens, you all mean the absolute world to me, thats 100% true and the friendships and support I have had from people on Ryl and on this thread in particular, mean the absolute world to me. I am just so sorry that I betrayed you all and lied to you, you all deserve so so much better than that.
I could go on all day but you know, I truly am sorry and I know I can't be trusted but I hope you do believe that, I feel so guilty towards my family too and my brother found this thread and has read everything practically that I have ever written on here, and has relayed it too my family, so they all kind of know what is happening as well and well, they are being nice about it and well you know, I don't deserve nice. I deserve people to be angry and upset at me for the lies I have told, I don't deserve people to be so understanding and I certainly don't blame the bpd, yeah its part of who I am but at the end of the day, I am also my own person and I have made some very, very bad decisions.
I'm so sorry, know that I mean that truly and if you don't want to talk to me again, I understand but I am sorry and well know that everyone on here I do care about so much.
I am going to my GP this morning, and I am going to be brutally upfront with them, and we will see how it goes.
Hope everyone is okay and well I might not be around for a bit, at the moment I do not kno how things will lie tomorrow, if my gp will want me to go into hospital, which I probably do need or if I will be left to get on with things, and if I am well then I may be around, and I hope you will find it in you hearts to forgive me sometime, take care, love you all so, so much.
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
sorry holly can i just ask why you decided to tell the truth ? is it because you got caught out? would you still be going along with the "death of your mum" if you had not been caught out?? and what about other things, have you lied about anything else...? for example when you were pregnant?
<3 <3 <3 Love you with all my heart baby girl. I miss you so much 21/11/11 RIP beautiful
No its not because of that, I have known for days what I have needed to do, just haven't had the courage to go through with it, my brother has told me to, my own head has and I was just waiting for the right time, and I knew it was going to present its self very soon, so yeah I did what I had to do but I would have done it, I just as I say was waiting for the right time, and I am glad that is now.
I have lied about other things yeah, but not on here and not about being pregnant when I was several months ago. I did think I was maybe pregnant just now, but nature answered that question for me just last weekend, thankfully - as I am in no state to be pregnant right now, even though I may want to be.
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
Im not going to say anything until tomroow because its late and im tired and drugged. Me and sam knew when we called the hospital and there was no record, the rest of the week i tried to get you to own up on your own but you didnt, and after a bit more digging sam confronted you on it. You knew i knew, but still. I cant put my emotions into words right now, and i feel this is going to turn into mollycoddling you over it and prentending like everythings ok.
Im hurt, thats all i can say right now.
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
I am going to bed now and well as I said will be speaking to my gp in the morn, so I don't know how things will go there.
I am sorry though and everyone on this thread means so much to me, and I am so sorry for hurting everyone on here, coz I have and nothing I say or do can change that now.
Anyone I can say it till I am blue in the face, but what is done is done and I can't change it now, just hope everyone can accept my apology, in time.
Love you all x
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
You cant change it, but people are still going to have opionons and want to talk about it, so its not something you can brush under the carpet im afraid. This isnt a little lie we are talking about, its massive and not something that should be lied about - im not trying to make you feel worser, but people are going to want to talk about it and express how the feel im afraid, i will tomrrow when ive slept.
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
I'm not really sure what to say, so I'm just going to ramble. I mean you know it was wrong, but it would have been so much better to tell us yourselves without being pushed to do it. Would have made things so much better for you.
I want to know why Hollz. Why did you feel the need to make up something so awful? You obviously can't comprehend how terrible it is to feel that you are losing your mum.
I'm not going to be horrible to you or anything, but at the same time I'm also not going to say that everything is ok, because as you know, it's not ok. I also don't think pretending that everything is ok will be of any benefit to you. I think you really need to understand what you have done, take responsibility and seek help. I think this is a good opportunity for you to explain to your psych your problem with lying.
Hollz, I so wanted to believe you, even when all the evidence was pointing you having lied. I really wanted to believe that you wouldn't make something so horrible. Part of me is glad that you have admitted to us and yourself that you are a compulsive liar, because it means that it will be easier for you to get better. You know, with the whole the first step to recovery is admitting it kinda thing. I think it's also good that you have admitted having a problem with alcohol as well.
I'm not really sure what else to say to be honest, because I do feel compassion towards you, but also to the people that you have hurt. I really hope you can get yourself sorted out.
And you're my obsession, I love you to the bones...
Erm yeh sorry for double post. I just wanted to put something bout me.
I'm really annoyed, cos the exam i screwed up cos of the itching thing I'm not gonna get any help with it. My exam was on a saturday, and it finished at 5, but apparently because i didn't go the drs on the day or around the day they can't write me a letter, even though they know its an ongoing problem. Anyways, they then said that they could write a letter saying that I had this ongoing problem and that it could have affected my exams. So I though ok, better than nothing, emailed my tutor with this, cos there are forms to fill out and stuff and they need to be passed to different people, and I was worried that it would take too long.
I did all this yesterday, and she said that the dealine for submitting these forms and letters was yesterday at midday. She said I could maybe still do it and see if they will accept late submissions, but I don't see much point now, cos by the time it's all sorted and gone through the relevant people they will probably be publishing results.
I'm just angry, cos I couldn't go and see her before cos of other exams, and my dr is really hard to get hold of. I dunno I'm just pissssed off.
Anyways sorry about the rant.
I hope everyone is ok, I have to go watch a rugby match today and then its sports awards later, so dunno if I'll be around much.
love and hugs to all
xxxx
And you're my obsession, I love you to the bones...
u shud still apply for it chick. even if u dont get it then least u havent got that doubt in ur head. have fun at the rugby whos playing. and ur sports awards ours was so much fun xx
Holly, is it that you're so desperate for affection and support and contact that you use the compulsive lying [unconsciously, because I get that it's not a conscious thing of which you have much control as yet - which is why therapy might help...] as one of the means of protecting you from the abandonment and rejection that you are terrified of?
hollz, i suspected anyway tbh which is why i replied to little about it.
ellie hope you can get things sorted out u red hot momma
wheres my rowster?
right been kind of shopping with dad, banging headache again, i thought it was due to the anemia but still cant shake it, buggering thing, oh well we march on heyb :)
Sorry ellie, its not your fault hun, sometimes you just dont know the procedures so it really wasnt your fault. My uni has a stupid rule that if you dont feel you can do the exam dont turn up at all then claim you cant do it, but erm what if they turn you down then? its all silly.
Maybe you should lie down in a dork room? i think thats the adivce they say lol.
Im ok, not been up long, was up late and was wanting to try and maybe get out today but my alarm went off and i was just like ugh no and went back to sleep heh.
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
Hugs to everyone who's feeling (understandably) more than a bit shaken up by events on this thread.
I'm powering on through today, some bad things and some not-so-awful things going on. Need to find some strength or confidence from somewhere to get through the next few weeks, and and going to try not to get it from SH.
Good luck to those with exams, and Ellie, I feel your pain with the whole forms etc thing. I think (think! will find out friday) that I finally got all of mine sorted, but who knows.
Whatever Happened to our Inner Glow?
<3 Sarah, My brilliant, beautiful, RAWR little sis
<3 <3 <3 Love you with all my heart baby girl. I miss you so much 21/11/11 RIP beautiful
