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surgery......soon i hope!
i was supposed to be having surgery for my back today. due to insurance issues it has to be put off, hopefully only for a month.
i have suffered with back problems for about 15 years. i have 2 herniated discs (L5 and either the one above or below that, i don't remember), arthritis, and sciatica that causes severe muscle spasms and pain in my legs. i know that there are risks with surgery, including paralysis and even death but it's worth the risk to me. i have suffered so long that i just want to do whatever i can to make it better, risks be damned.
i have not been able to work at all since april, and i had cut myself down to part time for nearly a year before that. i have applied for unemployment due to medical causes, but it has been continuously denied. i have applied for disability, i figured that if i can get it and then i get better i can drop it, but so far that has been denied as well. (even though i have diabetes, migraines, depression, anxiety, self-injury and suicidal thoughts and behaviors as well as the back problems). for now we are struggling to survive on my partner's rather small income. i am not sure how we are making it.
if i have the surgery and i recover enough to go back to work, that would be awesome, and i expect that is what will happen. if i end up paralyzed i will be able to get the disability and my family will at least have enough income to survive. if i die, at least they will have the life insurance, so they will be ok and i will be dead so i won't care. i'm not saying i want to die but if it happens at least i know they will be financially ok.
the doc says i will probably get only a 50% improvement. i think he was trying to dissuade me from having surgery by saying that, but it backfired. my reply was "great! i will be in 50% less pain and therefore be able to do 50% more!"
i just want this over with so i can get on with my life.
i love gardening, i love it so much that i have been laying on my stomach on the ground in order to plant and weed. i have also put many things in pots or buckets and have them set up or hung so i can easily reach them.
i don't want a miracle. i just want to be able to do my part financially, to be able to drive my car for more than a few miles, to be able to sit long enough to write a paper for school and to be able to garden again.
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