I don't know what to do.
I'm drowning in my own thoughts with no one to turn to.
I can't stop thinking of suicide. I have a plan, well almost complete plan. I just need the materials and the final details. I have breif seconds of respite, but between the emptiness and the tears there is no hope. It doesn't feel like life will ever get better.
You hit 18 and it's all downhill from there.
I hate uni. I hate my summer job. I hate 'recovery'. I hate my goddamn disgusting body and the fucking weight I've gained isn't helping.
There is no one I can tell how I feel. No one.
Can't tell my mum. She thinks people who are suicidal and people who kill themselves are stupid. I was crying one morning and all she could talk about, all she cared about, was getting me to go into work. Whenever I try to tell her how down I feel she tells me to just be more optimistic. I have tried, I really have, but there's no hope. None.
Can't tell my boyfriend, he'll only worry and blame himself. Which will make me feel worse. Bad idea. He'd be happier without me.
Can't tell my GP, won't believe me. I've been told before, just hormones, just the pill. Because we all known 19 year old girls cannot be depressed at all. It's just a case of hormones, we get over it. Unless we kill ourselves first.
Can't tell my therapist. I lied to him last time about being okay, that I'd keep trying. Plus I'm scared he'd lock me up or tell my mum, that's what they do when you're a danger to yourself right? I mean being away from everything would be nice, but I hate hospitals and I know it wouldn't work for me.
So i'm alone.
I don't even know why I'm writing this.
I don't know what to do.
Last edited by Psiren : 10-06-2010 at 02:37 PM.
Reason: Update.
I think you're writing this because your trying to reach out for help in your desperation. Maybe deep down you know that suicide isn't a good answer, but because you feel so overwhelmed you don't know what to do...
I just want you to know you are not alone. I've felt this overwhelmed too. It sucks, it really does... just don't do anything permanent when you are feeling this way. If you can just hang in there - it will get better eventually, I promise you.
I'm glad you came here...I'm glad you wrote out this frustration and desperation. If you can't talk to anyone, at least keep writing here.
And, I don't want to sound like your Mother here... but try, if you can, to think about the good things you have to look forward to. Try not to stay focused on the bad stuff. I know it's hard, but for your own sanity, please try.
i think its important that you speak to someone about how you are feeling - even if you can only manage to post here for now. depression effects people of all ages. dont let anyone put you down by sayn its just hormones. try open up to your therapist. they are there to help. hiding how you really feel wont get you the support that you need
I can't find anything good. :( The good things are all tainted.
My degree makes me feel useless and stupid and I don't enjoy that or the city. My home is suffocating but I can't move out. Work, my experience of it so far, is horrible. I hate being sat in an office all day, I can't think of any work I'd enjoy but I'd have to do it and the thought of 40+ years of my life doing something I don't like... ew. I've lost all my friends. I've lost all enjoyment in anything I used to like.
My boyfriend is the only good thing in my life right now and I'm just ruining his life.
The world would be a better place without me. I'm just a fat. ugly, useless pice of shit.
Oh honey I'm so sorry.I really am.There are so many people that care about you.If not hang on for you,maybe for us?I don't want to sound selfish,but I wouldn't like if something happened to you.
I'm sure that you don't make your boyfriend's life worse,he would break up with you if it was true.
I don't have many words,but I want you to know we're here for you, we care about you and it will be ok in the end.Maybe try some distractions,I know that for me tv shows (especially comedies) help alot.It just takes my mind off of the racing thoughts.
<3<3<3 Hang on and take care of you.
You can buy me with a coffee,I'm so cheap. Got bitten fingernails&a head full of past;Got a broken heart&your name on my cast.
&&I wanted her to tell me that she will never wake me.
It's almost like I'm reading my own thoughts. Please try and hold on; if things get really bad would you be able to get yourself to hospital? It all seems overwhelming but there's always something to live for. You just gotta try and hold on. Is there anything you can do to help you feel a little better?
I don't know. I'm trying to watch TV but I can't concentrate for long and the thoughts get in the way. Sometimes drinking helps but it's hit and miss and I could do without the extra calories and the effects tomorrow. My boyfriend helps sometimes, but he just got a new ps3 and he's having a nice break between ending school and starting work. Plus he has his sister to look after and that's stressful enough for him.
Idk. I need to shower, but I don't want to have to look at myself naked.
I've gained so much weight.
Maybe a nice hot shower would relax you. (hang a towel over the mirror if you need to) Can you listen to some relaxing or upbeat music while you shower? Or use a nice fragrant soap that smells and feels soothing?
I know the thoughts can be intrusive, but I can see that you're trying. You deserve to be kind to you. Sometimes it's the little things, like a shower, or a favorite song, that can help. Even if it only distracts for a few seconds, it's still setting off positive brain chemistry, just keep trying to relax and allow yourself the good feelings. You deserve it!
I tried the shower. I just want to hurt myself now, my body looks so horrible. I didn't look in the mirror but I looked down :(.
My boyfriend isn't replying to my fb message, I think his phone is on the fritz so he doesn't know he has it. My sister just went out and it's just reminding me I have no one.
You're not alone, we're all here for you.
Sorry you feel so down, hun. Could you find a doctor who will believe you?
You deserve to get better and lead a good life.
I'm here if you ever need someone. x
I wish I could get hold of my boyfriend, but I have no phone and I don't know his number off by heart :(
I need to go to bed soon. But I need to make lunch for tomorrow and there's no room in the kitchen.
If I go to sleep I want to wish I don't wake up.
What is th point?
I am dreading therapy Friday.
The only question left is should I end it before or after therapy. Do I really want to have to go that hell?
Of course we would miss you,Katie.
Oh honey I'm so sorry you can't see yourself the way I see you.
You can buy me with a coffee,I'm so cheap. Got bitten fingernails&a head full of past;Got a broken heart&your name on my cast.
&&I wanted her to tell me that she will never wake me.
I think you are the only one :(
I spent all afternoon eating and puking. My mum won't listen when I tell her I'm sad.
I wish I could just get myself locked away on a psych unit. But they wouldn't listen. No one ever listens.
I have an appointment with my T tomorrow at 11:30, do I tell him how I feel or not?
I risk being told I'm being stupid/there's nothing they can do t help. :(
Tell him how you feel - print these posts out if you don't feel like you can say it. You clearly need help at the moment, it sounds like you're struggling a lot and no one deserves to be so unhappy, there's so much more to life than that.
It's very, very unlikely that they will tell you there's nothing they can do when you're feeling this bad, so try not to worry about that. And if they do, ask if you can see someone else (in writing if you can't ask in person).
Please be honest with your therapist! You are struggling a lot right now and obviously need help from someone prefessional. Be as honest as you can and if you think you can't manage to say it out loud write it down for them.
Good luck.
See I cannot feel this, not matter how you try and in the real world, there's no goodbyes.
