Triggering (Suicide) - The Point?

[jim27]

What's the point in living???
Im 27 with no job or grades from school to get a job, i was brought up in a crazy family, my dad who is a heroin addict used to beat my mum all the time when i was young, but she'd never go to the police about it, instead she'd get drunk every day down local pubs/bars and when dad came home from work to find her not there and me babysitting my brother and 2 sisters when i was 12 used to make things a lot worse. I grew up a depressed kid dropping out of school for a job at 15 coz family had no money with their addictions. I ended up doing drugs myself (not heroin but alot of others) which used to break me out of reality and give my life meaning, drugs which ruins peoples lives had reverse effects on me keeping me going for years without killing myself, anyway things have changed now, i dont do drugs so much any more, after years of abuse iv got really bad teeth and cant smile around friends or family, my mum, uncle and even 1 of my sisters are also now heroin addicts, iv got no job, self esteem, motivation, or any reason to live anymore, i dont fit into society and feel im just wasting resources staying alive, i dont want to upset my family but dont want to live!!! Mabe dying will make my family think about their lives also and clean themselves up, everyone dies at some point, am i selfish in doing it early? i cant help myself or my family anymore i just cant cope, even if i figured out to fix 1 problem what about the rest?????

[jim27]

mods have i labelled the triggering correct? knowing my luck i'd probly get banned

[makedamnsure]

Sounds like you are quite bitter about your childhood?
Not that I don't think it was hard for you, of course it was. But maybe you need to let go of the past and figure out what you want out of the future.

Not all jobs need grades, you could start by volunteering somewhere, or even go to college and do a vocational course. Taking active steps to get involved with something can really improve your self esteem in the long run and give you something to get up in the morning for.

Your family need to helop themselves, there is very little you can do. But you can always make your own future worthwhile. Perhaps showing them that you can be a success would be more effective in making them think about their lives and get clean than dying?

[bleedingdragon]

First of all jim27 well done for finding the courage to post here and talk about your life thats a positive step forward .

Keep talking to us here as much as you need to

I hear you about being 27 with no job or grades from school its a scary and frustrating place to be in but your still young enough to get the grades you need by going to colleage when your ready to. I can understand how you feel im now 44 and i was in a 10 year abusive relationship/marriage . Where i was being abused by my wife im now divorced i have no job im Ill Health Retired already so im having to try and heal myself and build a life for myself which is going to be hard for me at my age, your still young and you can get your life back in time.

Im sorry that you had a crazy family life and your dad turned to drugs and your mum drank and suffered domestic violence from your dad. I suffered domestic violence from my now ex wife and she drank and it was hell. Living in that enviroment must have been a living hell for you . Baby sitting your brother and two sisters through out this was a wonderfull thing you did but must have been very demanding at 12 years of age.

Its really understandable that through out all this you were a depressed teenager you were in the middle of all the chaos without the love and support of your parents .That was very brave of you to then drop out of school at 15 to get a job to try and support your family.

Im sorry to that you got into taking drugs to try and manage what youd been through im sure drugs helped you up to a point and stopped you from killing yourself. You should be very proud of yourself for reducing your drug intake i hope you can work towards coming off drugs altogether, again with professional support you can do it .

You havent talked about wether youve had any professional support, have you been to your dr, seen a psychiatrist, counsellor or therapist, cpn its really worth reaching out to them and ask for help. Dealing with this all on your own is hard. Im sorry 1 of your sisters has now turned to drugs, you and your brother and two sisters deserve to receive help and professional support .

Im with you when you say youve got no job, self esteem, motivation, or any reason to live. I understand how that feels im still battling low self esteem, low motivation, and very few reasons to live. All of this will be such a burden for you on your own. You need professional support have you had any, because it will help to reduce the burden you have they can help you have a care plan to help you deal with all of your issues.

Your not wasting resources by staying alive you deserve to be alive, you deserve to be supported, you deserve to be happy and you deserve the chance to heal yourself . Of course you dont want to upset your family no one does. But at some point in our lives we will make choices in our lives that our parents dont agree with but who you are and what you do are important you have to make a life for yourself and at some point in your life you will move out and begin to make a life for yourself.

You have to concentrate on yourself for now get yourself better, stronger before you can deal with your family. And i hear you about not wanting to live its no wonder right now but in time with professional support you can begin to build your life back. Killing yourself would make your family think about their lives they will be devastated with losing you to suicide its final. Why not make a point to them by staying alive and getting the help you need to live your life. Your family deserve to be supported but they are the ones who take responsability for their own actions and ther own lives. You are the one who has the power to fight for your life and decide to live and get better youve got to want to heal.

Your not selfish in wanting to take your own life.Other people, family and friends often dont understand what its like to be suicidal . To you Suicide feels like the only way out for you trying to cope with all that truama is too much .

Youve tried to help your family and youve done as much as you can you cant do anymore they are the ones who need to reach out and accept any professional help thats offered to them to get better i know what its like to want to do everything possible to help someone you love my wife just wouldnt couldnt accept the help she needed i couldnt do any more for her i had to concentrate on myself. Like you need to know let go and concentrate on yourself. You need professional help and you can get it i hope and pray that you can reach out and stay strong and keep fighting.

pm me if you want i will allways get back to you when i can


Dave

[jim27]

Thank you so much for your reply's
Its true i am bitter about my past, i know i shouldn't think like this but its really hard not to. I love my family so much, it doesn't help knowing there's nothing i can do about their problems, I try to give them advice but they usually get angry , my family will brush me off anytime they're confronted with the truth that they need to clean up.

I do try to remain positive, im looking at CDL loans to pay for college courses at the moment. But i have good days and bad days, most days have been doing normal day to day tasks, pretending that im not affected in anyway at all, but inside im screaming and dying, none of my friends or family know any of this, and with my family being so fragile probably will never tell them, iv hinted towards friends about my feelings without telling them directly, speaking about suicide usually brings frowns and anger, my friends don't understand at all, I don't blame them they have never experienced being in such a state, don't think ill tell them ever either.

Most nights i cry when my family are sleeping, not sure how long i can go on like this for, it does feel better talking, and can see people actually read the whole of my post which is warm and loving thank you, just some nights its unbearable, i get myself worked up into a frenzy and i cant control it at all, i always ask myself why live? i feel iv been given this precious life but cant use it to benefit me or anyone else, a pointless existence with no future and a past that always haunts me.

I know i shouldn't talk/act this way, but knowing how i should be and actually doing it are completely different things.

bleedingdragon i hope your feeling better, just reading this forum makes me feel a little better, people who have similar problems that understand me better than friends or family could.

This forum from what iv seen is a very loving one, im very grateful for its existence and all of your loving support, im supposed to be a tough male but emotions get the better of me.

Thanks for listening Hope everyone who comes to this site feels a little better

[bleedingdragon]

sorry this is long i just wanted to share as much as i could,



Hey jim27,
your welcome for our replies, and of course your bitter about your past , you say you shouldnt think like this and its really hard not to. Well right now you have every right to feel bitter with everything that youve been through and the way you were treated its to be expected.

Non of us here whatever weve been through want to be trapped by experiences feeling bitter , angry, revengefull, hatred, towards those whove hurt us, but we all do feel those feelings and emotions . I feel like you to, i have many issues against my ex wife and my bully for what they did to me and what i was traumatised by. There are many things i need to heal from and let go, i cant escape from them i cant yet let go of them. Its a process a journey and you need to take one step at a time part of that process is working through your emotions and feelings however difficult they may be. You cant just suddenly stop feeling the way you do over night .Its important that eventually you can work through your issues and emotions and hurt and heal from them.

You dont mention if youve had any professional support if not can you see yourself reaching out and receiving some professional support. Having others around you that can be supportive and helpfull to you will make a hell of a difference. The journey to recovery and healing can take some time but its worth the effort to heal yourself enough to build yourself a life back.

And of course you love your family , knowing that truth that you cant help them solve their own problems is a tough one one that will take time for you to accept , we all want to be there for our family and we hope that our family can be there for us, often thats not how it works out though .

Ive been in the same situation as you of giving my family advice and i cant get through to them they will never understand me or my depression, self harm, suicide attempts, symp of borderline personality disorder. It breaks my heart because i want them to understand why im still struggling with so much they dont understand the psychological effects im still battling with. Ive let go of trying now and i hope you can too, put whatever energy you can find into helping yourself right now to begin the healing process and eventually get better and stronger.


Its good to hear that you try your best to remain positive, keep at it, so well done for that. Good luck with looking into CDL loans for colleage courses i hope it works out for you. Your right about you having your good days and your bad days , we all go through that, i guess its about surving the bad days the best we can and doing whatever we are able on the good days .

I hear you about throwing yourself into day to day tasks and pretending that your not affected in any way, thats a survival mechanism we all use . I struggle with doing day to day tasks i find it really hard , but im trying i keep doing stuff when i can. Keeping ourselves busy and pretending things are normal Is a way of coping , a way of surviving,which works up to a point , but being honest with ourselves about how messed up we are is also important because then we can begin to heal.

*Hugs* i understand you when you say deep inside your screaming and dying and non of your friends or family can hear you or know how you feel . If you look at any of my rants or posts somewhere in there im screaming deep inside and im dying too but no one can hear me. its a good thing that you are being so open and honest here in RYL because your taking the first steps towards healing and freedom. RYL is here for you to rant at, to talk to, to receive support and share whenever you need to. I hear you about because your family are so fragile you prob wont tell them, thats really ok. You dont have to share everything with your family ,im the same , even though i want to i cant and wont share with my family certain things that ive been through. They couldnt cope with the trauma ive been through, i can barely cope with it myself and im struggling with my sexuality struggling with the fact i could be gay is tearing me apart and i wont cant tell my parents about it . I havent sorted it out in my head yet anyway. The only person who knows is my brother and he accepts me thank god. Its good that youve tried to hint to your friends about whats really going on in your life , often though they dont understand, if your lucky 1 or 2 of your true friends may turn that around. People tend to be afraid of what they dont understand , Talking about suicide and mental health is a taboo subject for most people if its mentioned they shut down and dont know how to deal with it and run for the hills. Thats devastating for us because we hope that some of our closest frinds or family will listen and understand us accept us and support us instead of switching off. My parents switch off when i talk about suicide or depression or self harm . I fully understand you that you may never tell your friends ever, but i hope that in time 1 or 2 of your friends will come round if you droped more than hints. Its your choice and your decision what you do i guess its 1 you manage to tell a friend and they understand you and accept you or 2 you never share with them, which is difficult if your around them alot and you feel the way you do.

Im with you there on you cry most nights when your family is sleeping ive done that so much myself and i still do cry alot, my parents now live in spain and i live alone so crying isnt an issues for me then. Its soul destroying to go through what you are and its not easy your very brave and strong for coping the way you are, things can get better in time i hope you can hold onto some hope , your not alone you have RYL and i hope it brings you some comfort and support. Im glad you say it feels better talking , thats very true it does help a hell of a lot. I know what you mean when you say its good to know people have read all of your post, that means alot to us when we know someones been able to read our post. We may write short posts or long ones sometimes, its hard for people to always read and reply to long posts and find the words to reply because they struggle to concentrate. And sometimes people are only able to Hug us which is a comfort too, they do the best they can, there are times when it may be a while before we get replies on here. Its good to hear you feel warm and loving because youve been listened to and supported .

i hear you saying some nights its unbarable and you get yourself worked up into a frenzy and cant control it, Alot us also find certain times or situations unbarable and we often get ourselves worked up into a frenzy.
You must try to be gentle with yourself you will still get worked up into a frenzy at times its your bodies way of trying to cope with whatever your dealing with . Dont be hard on yourself just concentrate on slowly trying to calm yourself when you can. Getting yourself some prof help will help you with coping skills to help you lessen the chaotic emotions and feelings you have.

Thats a 64 million dollar question " Why do we live" you may find an answer good luck or you may never really find the answer, many of us wonder the same question. It may be a question without an answer. Its great to hear you say you feel youve been given this precious life for a reason thats a powerful realisation, making something of your precious life putting it into practice is often alot harder than that. Yes right now you cant put your precious life into practice but in time you can and you will.
I too ponder about life and say my life is a pointless existance with no future especially at my age its not an easy one to deal with. Finding a purpose and meaning in our lives is something everyone searches for. Maybe its about getting better and just living our lives the best we can, somehow enjoying the journey we take(i know thats a hard one) rather than concentrating on the destination. we can ponder the big questions forever and not come up with the right answer . Yes our past haunts us weve all learnt that its a hard one to live with i may be haunted by my past for the rest of my life , i bloody hope not but its about somehow coming to terms with and healing as much as we can the shit that haunts us somehow learning to live with our past. The present is the most important place for us to concentrate on when we can the here and now.

Dont be hard on yourself saying you shouldnt talk/act the way you are , it takes time to descover/learn about our experiences before we can begin to understand them and act on them change takes time.

Thank you for what you say about me im still struggling right now i keep going and i will feel better , im glad reading the forum helps you its good to learn that there are others out there who have been through similar experiences and who understand us and support us.

This forum and Ryl is a loving and supportive place there is allways someone here who will reply to you. Hm im sure you are a tuff male in a good way and an emotional and caring guy inside to. Its hard for many of us guys dealing with our emotions we were brought up to be a tough man silent not showing any emotion other than anger. We arent allowed to show how we feel, when we are hurt we cry too, im a very emotional person and for me its a two edged sword my emotions can drown me, but because im emotional and caring and strong my life has been enritched by the experiences ive had.


i need a long rest after writing that


Dave

[jim27]

Thanks Bleedingdragon your words mean a lot, its just even if i could forget the past and not worry about my empty present my future is still looking bleak, the government funding/training is not looking as great as I'd anticipated. Iv tried seeing my local doctor who said there's not much she can do, she could't supply me drugs as the're for people with more of a chemical imbalance, although im hurting hard she says that's normal for someone who's been through a lot, she did give me a number for a counsellor but they want money i don't have

I always cry when i think about my nephew, he has cerebral palsy and life to him is a lot worse than what mine is. I have a perfectly good working body and find it extremely unfair. He had sore feet today so i soaked them in 1 of mums saucepans, hope she doesn't find out lol. He looks like a little old man, he makes me cry but also smile a lot

Hope your ok, keeping shit bottled up isn't healthy, probly why i had a big release in the 1st post, i hear you on the sexuality thing for sure, thought i might have feelings of the same kind before, my dad would have killed me, at least i think he would, truth is you wont know till you've tried, and that would be scary, sweaty hands and butterfly's would be an understatement

Hope you and everyone else on this site are ok, hopefully the pic of my nephew will make some of you smile, it does for me

[bleedingdragon]

Hey jim,
your welcome for my words im glad they mean alot to you, i know you want to forget the past it takes time, we all struggle with it, try and give yourself time . Im still working on trying to forget alot of my past its an ongoing process . Its hard too coming to terms with your empty present you need time to begin healing some of your past and that in turn will help you begin to fill your empty present with new things and new people.

Im afraid the future may be bleak for many of us for a while until the economy settles down im guessing your in the uk? you dont say on your profile, who knows maybe this co olition government will make some better changes . Im sure right now the government funding isnt looking as good, your doing your best by looking so try not to be hard on yourself its the government that take alot of the responsability.

I hear you about trying to see your local Dr who said theres not much she can do that must have been devastating for you to hear. If your in the uk and your not happy with your Drs support you are entitled to see another Dr in the same practice. Or you have every right to move practices to see a new Dr. In order for any success with a Dr we have to be able to have a good relationship between us if we dont get on or agree then nothing will work. We are all different and sometimes we dont get on with one Dr so we try another Dr.

She has no right to say to you she can only supply drugs antidepressants to people with a chemical inballance, and you havent got a chemical inballance, how does she know she has no tests to prove it.. As a Dr she should be assessing you to see what symptoms you are showing that show you are depressed. If your depressed your entitled to try antidepressants alone or to try a talking therapy, or maybe both like me i am on antidepressants and receiving a talking therapy .

This chemical inballance thing is contraversal because its not completly proved there is some truth in people having a chemical inballance but not everyone who is depressed has a chemical inballance, and alot of the drug companies push the Drs to use their antidepressants pushing the chemical inballance thing . There are symptoms of depression and thats what a Dr should be looking for , they have no way of measuring if you have a chemical inballance or not. Ive never had a test for chemical inballance , so shes wrong to be saying to you she cant give you antidepressants Grrr they make me mad.

In the past Drs would automatically prescribe antidepressants like sweets to everyone. When they should have checked properly and assessed who really needs just the antidepressants and who really needs a talking therapy, many people actually need a talking therapy but never got one until know they are supposed to offer patients the option of a talking therapy.

As hard as it is for you please see another Dr in your practice if your not happy you can speak to the practice manager of the practice and make a complaint explaining you havent been listened to and youve been refused antidepressants. If you are as depressed as you sound you need to be on antidepressants and maybe a talking therapy its your right to receive the right treatment. I know how bloody hard it is for any of us when we are depressed we often cant stick up for ourselves and say what we need to. Ive seen 3 Drs in my journey and im glad i held out and managed to keep speaking up for myself it was my 3rd Dr who got me back into the system and to see a psychiatrist.

Of course your bloody hurting hard grrrr and of course you are feeling as bad as you are you need support you need antidepressants you cant be expected to cope alone with this. Your Dr clearly doesnt seem to understand what being depressed is like. Well im glad your Dr gave you a number for a counsellor yes some counsellors ask for a donation or a set fee. If your in the uk the way the NHS works is that you go to your Dr because your ill they diagnose you as depressed, they talk to you about options like antidepressants alone or with a talking therapy. And then they refer you to an NHS counsellor, therapist, psychiatrist or if your lucky a psychologist. You dont have to pay for an NHS counsellor, therapist, psych, admitedly there is a long waiting list to see them unless your case is urgent then you should be b umped up the list.

Hey i can understand why youd cry when you see your nephew hes cute, thanks for sharing the picture, im sorry hes got cerebral Palsy no one deserves to suffer with that. Yes im sure his life is alot worse than yours, and i can see how you feel bad that your body is in perfect working order. life is often cruel we often dont have control over it often we just have to deal with the after shock the best we can. Rember you bring love and joy into his life whenever your around him and im sure he loves you very much for that. Aww the picture is great seing him having his feet soaked im sure he appreciated you soaking his feet for him. Im sure she wont find out :) *Hugs* im sure he often makes you cry thats because you love him so much and you care about him and want the best for him, and yes im pleased he also makes you smile a great deal .

Thanks again for caring about me im getting by, i do bottle sh*t up alot sometimes it explodes n i end up self harming and the rest is released in my sessions. I do have professionals to talk, ive seen 2 CPNs, and 5 psychiatrists so far. I still see the CMHT psychiatrist who looks after my meds, and i have a care co ordinator sheesh theres alot goin on in my life right now.

Im currently on Mentalisation group and individual therapy weekly for the next 18 months . There is a psychiatrist running the group therapy and i see a psychologist, psychotherapist for individual therapy all this is only to treat my symptoms of borderline personality disorder. I still have enough sh*t from my abusive relationship/ marriage that i need to be treated for as well but i worry that the mentalisation therapy wont treat it but hey for now i need to be greatfull for receiving the mentalisation therapy which i am.

Im really glad you were able to have a big release in your 1st post , yer the sexuality stuff is a nightmare for me, i hear you too about thinking you had feelings of the same kind, can i ask if you still have or you have managed to speak to anyone about it, you dont have to answer if you dont want to. Well i think alot of us guys believe our dads would abandon us or killed us if they knew we were Gay or bi i honestly think my dad would have a go at me if he knew i was gay. my mum has given me the impression shes not comfortable about gay people especially if its shown on tv two guys were kissing on a film and she said that shouldnt be shown on tv grrrrr.

Your right i wouldnt know unless i tried i have tried, i was scared sh*tless i had the lot sweaty palms , butterflies, and i was excited all at the same time . I have tried once i explored with a like minded guy and we both did oral to each other and we both loved it. It was wonderfull and such a turn on , he was ok with that 1st exploration but then lost it and backed out. He was exploring his sexuality like i was and i guess he got scared and ran away. He told me to f*ck off when i hadnt done anything wrong hes since applogised but our friendship has been damaged. I will never forget our exploring but im in torment because i cant accept im gay i was brought up in a society that still says you should be hetrosexual and marry and have children and its a sin if anyone is gay or bi .I feel guilty and blame myself , im scared sh*tless luckily my psychologist/psychotherapist is a specialist in identity issues/ sexuality issues so theres some hope for me im still screwed up though.

your pict of your nephew made me smile so thanks

Dave

[jim27]

Im feeling a lot better today, im getting over 4 hours worth of sleep and at normal times and my appetite is a bit better, im gonna take your advice and try to see another doctor, yes im from UK, didnt really think to fill in details the other night. Its fine to ask about my feelings, i dont have those thoughts anymore, i think i was 15 when i was questioning my sexuality so was some time ago, gave me more of an open mind towards other people though. Not sue how long this will last but gonna smile while i can! Yeah hopefully this coalition will improve work but think its going to get worse before better, only time will tell

I know i said i was 27 but really its my 27th on sat, hope im feeling good

Its hard to post now im sleeping at night, got my whole family around me during the day, its funny how they have'nt goy a clue