I saw the crisis team yesterday. I was very honest. One of the ladies (she was a bit scary tbh) said to me that suicide might be the right decision for me, but that I should leave such a massive choice until I wasn't so depressed.
Thing is, I read somewhere once that the 'depressed view' of life is closer to reality than the non-depressed view: you realise the brevity and insignificance of your life and the lives of others; you realise that one day everybody will die and will die alone.
She said that I was talking about suicide very rationally yet my thoughts weren't rational.
They were.
They are.
I never thought I'd say this, but I want to die.
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
Despite feeling depressed now there is nothing to say that you cannot live life and live a happy life, that you cannot recover from this; you certainly can recover from this depression. Though things are difficult now and suicide feels rational, (I know, I've been there too) there will come a time where you are happy you didn't die. But you've got to be alive to see it, yknow?
Did the crisis team give you any strategies about getting through this? I agree you should hold off the decision to end your life until you are not depressed; only then will you know if it is truly the right now. You might as well wait until you are feeling a bit better. Please though, do not end your life. Life does get better, please hold onto that.
I hope you have some strategies to keep yourself safe, and also, can call the crisis team if you're feeling so unsafe or like acting on these thoughts.
Wishing you all the very best, please, be strong xx
I'm sorry to be critical, but I don't believe that what this women said to you was very helpful or particulary nice. I think that depressed people may be able to see the insignificance of life very clearly and its good to except that eventually everyone will die.
But having experienced both sides of the coin (i.e. happiness and unhappiness), it is entirely possible to except the inevitable and understand that its a totally natural part of life. I don't think that you necessarily have to be depressed to realise that.
Your life is about as significant as you want it to be and i'm geniunely sad for you, in that you don't believe that your life is worth living. Believe me it is. I don't really know what else to say, but if you need to talk, please do. I hope that things get better for you soon hun.
Much love xxxxx
The very fact that you're depressed means that your thought process is not rational and the 'depressed view' of life might seem to be more realistic to you right now but that's because you're feeling depressed so, of course it will! Depression creates so, so many erroneous thoughts. Your thinking style right now is fundamentally different to how you were thinking before you were depressed and so the lady from the crisis team is perfectly right: you are not in the position to make such a huge decision, like ending your life, right now.
People who are depressed very rarely acknowledge a 'grey' situation - everything is black or white, right or wrong, and there's no middle ground. You will find yourself disqualifying anything positive - everything's wrong, everyone won't work out, there's nothing good about yourself or your life. You will resort to using your emotions as proof of how things are. Suddenly, you turn into a mind reader and a fortune teller; you know everyone thinks you're awful, and you know nothing is ever going to be okay. Mentally you filter out everything good in your life, and focus entirely on the bad. And your reaction to all of these things? Well, all it's going to do is make you feel worse. A huge part of recovering from depression is recognising these thoughts and learning to counter-act them with positivity, and impose a little bit more reality upon them to put them into a little bit more perspective. This is the basis for CBT therapy.
So, you proposed a couple of things - let's have a closer look.
"You realise the brevity and insignificance of your life."
I've no idea how old you are but you aren't at an age where you can make such a huge assumption. You have the whole world at your feet and you can do anything. You have the power to change the world, to make a difference to other peoples' lives. I'm sure, every now and again, Martin Luther King woke up and felt low; I bet he wondered what impact his life would have on the world. But look what he managed to do. Look what Obama has done. But it doesn't have to be something huge - the tiniest act, the smallest word, can make the world of difference to anyone, and that in itself means that your life has significance. You are important to your family, to your friends, and that means you have made an impact. No life passes by with no significance, no one is unimportant or forgotten. You are unique. You are special. And the moment you took a breath, you made a difference to the world. In this statement, you see depression taking it's toll like I explained before -- you've become a fortune teller, you've filtered everything positive and focus only on the negative.
So, I propose that these statements are not the reality all those who aren't depressed are missing but are thoughts created from a depressive, and irrational, mindset. And, in doing so, I hope I've made you think a little more about your own ability to perceive what is true and what is reality whilst you're depressed. You are not in a position to make a decision as to whether to end your life or not because you are depressed.
So, let's talk about why you're feeling depressed, what's brought you to this point and what is making you feel so strongly that your life isn't worth living. You may feel like you want to die, but you have to remember that this feeling is based on erroneous thoughts and in tackling those thoughts, and being able to shine a new perspective upon them, we can hopefully begin overcome those suicidal feelings.
Hey Mikey,
Im glad you saw the crisis team and managed to be very honest i know how hard that is, so well done . Hm some of the crisis team can be a little scary and appear pushy at times keep speaking up for yourself until you get the support or care you need.
When your depressed its often hard to make the right choices you need to, you feel like theres no hope left , that nothing will get better, and no one can help you escape from the emotional and mental pain you have. And when youve decided to end your life it feels right to you, ive been in that situation more than a few times now and can understand your thinking. People can be suicidal when they arnt depressed and you can be suicidal when your depressed . Admitedly you can normally rationalise more when you arnt depressed .
having a depressed view of life often makes us feel alone and empty and insignificant and meaningless and that there is no purpose in life .
I hear you about wanting to die i often feel the same way its really hard when you feel that life is to too painful and meaningless . Especially if you believe that nothing will change and only get worse and that no one can help you get better, Its a horrible and scary place to be .
Your thoughts and feelings are important and should be validated by them sometimes professionals dont really listen close enough to us its real important you keep telling them how you really feel. If you dont get on with someone in the crisis team or they arnt listening to you please ask to see another member of the crisis team we are all different and it takes time to find the right people who can listen to us and accept us. if we dont have or feel a connection with the professional person then it will lower our chances of success. Ive seen 2 CPNs 3 drs and 5 psychiatrists and 1 psychologist on my journey and for now i have a glimer of hope .
I hope and pray with all my heart that you mikey can find what you need to keep fighting and that you find the right help. Life is important you are important and you deserve to be happy in this life.
keep talking to us keep posting
Dave
" Use only that which Works, and take it from any place you find it" Im Honoured My RYL Sons are :)Atlantica, ,Saint of Misery, Stevevaijr
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Thanks so much for these replies. I am actually a little in awe. Even if I can change somebody's life, their life too is insignificant. Heh. Nihilistic, any?
Thing is, support is not enough anymore. I have talked and talked about why I feel like this, but it is NOT ENOUGH.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : triggering - suicide
This afternoon I sat at the top of the stairs and came close to actual death. Within 5 seconds I was dizzy and my breaths were hoarse rasping noises like those of an animal. Then I don't remember anything. I came round at the bottom of the stairs in a little pile of sick. It was completely painless and it was fast. I'm not scared anymore because it didn't hurt.
I don't think you need to be 100% sure that this is the right decision. I am not. If I was, I wouldn't be here anymore and I wouldn't be honest. But you don't need to be 100% sure to do it.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : triggering - self-harm
Then i opened myself up in the shower. I hit an arteriole and it spurted out for a while, and I felt nothing. No fear, no panic. Calm.
I want this to be over. I cannot face it.
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
I think if you have to be 100% sure about anything in your entire life, then whether you want to kill yourself or not is a good place to start. I mean, surely it's the one decision that you can't change your mind about, one mistake you will never rectify and, as that is most definitely the case, I think you need to be 100% sure before you go ahead with it. And you're right: if you were 100% sure, you wouldn't be here. So, whether you've 50% sure, or 90% sure, we need to capitalise on that other 50% or 10% and focus on the things that are making you wonder. What's stopping you from being 100% sure?
At the end of the day, most people consider suicide because they have too much pain in their lives that they don't feel that they can cope with. They see suicide, or death, as a release from that pain. But, if you're dead, how do you feel that relief? How do you ever feel that peace you so crave? The only way you will ever do that is by living, and by overcoming the things in your life that cause you pain. You think your pain will end with death, but you won't be alive to appreciate that. And, consider this, instead of your pain finishing with your suicide, that pain gets passed on, and tenfold, to every single person you have touched in your life that will mourn your death. That's a pretty huge burden to pass on when you're not 100% sure it's the right decision, so give yourself a fighting chance.
You say you've done so much talking - and I believe you - but you obviously haven't been saying what you need to say. Every problem in your life can be resolved. Sometimes it's hard to identify those resolutions when our thoughts are so clouded with depression, and that's why talking helps. Talking about our problems helps us to get other ideas on how to deal with them, on how to cope, and that's going to be really beneficial to you right now. I'm not saying that talking will make everything okay - far from it. But getting things off your chest will relieve some of that tension bubbling under your skin, and you never know -- we might come up with some ideas that will help! At the end of the day, you hold within yourself the power to change your life, to make everything okay, to be happy, but you need to stop convincing yourself that suicide is a viable option and, instead, put your energy into trying to make this situation better.
I agree that with such a decision you need to be 100% about it. It will change 100% of your life (and, probably 150% of the people who care about you). Does anyone know you're struggling like this at the moment? Do the crisis team know how close you came and how you are feeling, what you've done to yourself?
For me a big part of being suicidal was although I wasn't 100% on the decision to die, I wasn't 100% on the decision to live, either. Sure things "could get better", but would they? But then with life you always have the choice and then you're eventually going to die, anyway, but you have some time in between to live and experience things. With death there's no going back, at all.
Please don't give in to these thoughts, and be honest with the crisis team about how serious it is for you right now. I am worried about you, please be honest with them. I really hope you get through this.
I'm sorry. I hear what you are all saying but I can't feel it.
I am 95% sure I don't want to live, and 95% sure I want to die. That is enough for me.
I'm going to try to print off what I wrote and give it to my CPN this afternoon.
I am desperate. If she doesn't help me then that's it.
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
What is that last 5% about? Do you know?
I really hope you tell your CPN all of this, I think printing it off is an excellent idea, well done :) Be strong xx
