Graphic / Triggering - Am I A Fake?

GreySkys · 07-05-2010, 02:13 PM

I haven't got a clue how to put this so it dosent cause offence so bear with me please....*sighs* Here we go...

I feel like im depressed. Example: Walking to college this morning I had a really bad urge to just walk out into a busy main road. :|. Not a normal persons thoughts.
But at the same time I can be quite, well not happy but just normal. In college I am classed as "happy". Maybe thats because I don't really have to think about stuff thats going on outside the college thats affecting me.
Ive been feeling like this for a year. I KNOW everyone is going to say "Oh well you need to go doctors/hospsidal/councelling". Im currently on the waiting list for councelling. And I have once made an appointment at the doctors but chickened out incase he thought I was an "attention seeker". I just don't know. Half the time I just want to go alseep and never wake up. Some of the time il want to take a load of pills. Other times il be "normal/happy". But having the oding thoughts and suicidal thoughts can't be right can it? What should I do?

Catharsis · 07-05-2010, 02:19 PM

Hey,
I'm sorry, i don't have any advice. But i'd like to stock you up on hugs ; *hugs*
I can really relate to what you're saying. I feel the same in alot of ways, and i think i'm a 'fake' too. Although, in response to your question. You aren't a fake. Your feelings are as real as anyone elses. And in turn you deserve to be taken as seriously as anyone else.
Take care x

bleedingdragon · 07-05-2010, 02:41 PM

Hey greyskys,

The chances are that your maybe depressed, wanting to walk out into a busy road isnt a normal behaviour, yes at some point in everyones lives.
When things fall apart we may think about doing something dangerous like walking out into a busy road if its just the once then ok but if your having lots of suicidal thinking then its serious enough for you to seek professional help.

The feeling of not being quite happy just normal is your struggle to deal with it . We all wear masks every day to hide our true self and our emotions and feelings and when we are depressed we do this to the outside world . If youve been feeling like this it is important for you to seek professional help. Im glad that you are currently on a waiting list for counselling thats a good step in the right direction.

Well done for making an appointment with your dr and i can understand why you would chicken out , your dr wouldnt, shouldnt think your an attention seeker its important to go to your dr. Normally the process is to go to your dr and then they can refer you to counselling where as in your case youve been able to get onto a waiting list for counselling which is good. Getting that counselling appointment hopefully should be fairly quick, although the waiting lists are often very long, so going and seing your dr meanwhile is real important.

Its understandable that right now you want to go to sleep and never wake up , i still feel like that alot myself. And understandable that you want to OD . Having these suicidal thoughts is a warning sign to yourself that you need to get professional help.

What should you do? well youve started already by getting yourself on a counselling waiting list, maybe the best thing is for to go to your dr and get support from them , your dr can refer you to the child and adolescent mental health team (CAMHS) or the crisis team if need be.

Keep posting here , use the ranting forum if you need to

look after yourself

Dave

Sunshine · 07-05-2010, 02:49 PM

I feel like that alot of the time and it took me a long time to realise that my thoughts and feelings were actually valid and that only really hapened when i was diagnosed with bpd (im not saying you have it)

i just try and concerentrate on the happy/normal times and try and ride through the depressed times and think that i will get happy/normal again in a while.

x

GreySkys · 07-05-2010, 02:51 PM

It is kind of all the time. Everytime I walk past a main road I want to just step out in front of it. Im just so tired. I first started self harming/feeling like this in 2007 when I joined this (I have since then changed accounts several times) so thats three years. Some people have been struggling alot longer and I reconise this. But three years of arguments, cutting, depression, drunkeness, drugs, sex is enough. I feel that if I can't get through this then I just want to give up, as im sick of struggling through life. Everything a small things goes right serveral things will go wrong and put me back to were I was to start off with and I just cannot deal with it much longer. I know life is unexepcted and stuff but I just want things to go right and STAY right.

bleedingdragon · 07-05-2010, 03:10 PM

Greyskys,
I hear you about it being all the time its mentally and emotionally exhausting to have to deal with that . Ive been suicidal alot and tried to kill myself more than a few times so i can understand abit about what your going through.

I also hear you when you say you first started self harming in 2007 and its been 3 years its a long time, i joined her in late 2006 and im still struggling with all my issues and still self harming cutting. Non of us want our issues or our self harming to drag on for years but often its part of our healing process. Everyone is different some of us will overcome our self harm in a short time and some of us may take years. I hope you can hang in there and keep moving forward even if its slowly at one step at a time.

Its an important step for you that you recognise and aknowledge that its enough and you can no longer continue to suffer arguments, cutting, depression, drunkeness, drugs and sex. Its important to that you start getting the help and support you deserve and need. You need to descover what your main issues are that have caused you to use arguments, cutting,depression, drunkeness,drugs n sex and try to heal that so you can slowly replace your self harm with safer coping methods. Getting antidepressants if you and your dr agree is a good step too please try and make an appointment with your dr.

Its normal to feel like if you cant get through this im gona give up again i struggle with the very same thoughts about giving up, its not easy. Life is about experiencing and exploring and it has its ups and downs, unfortunatly some of us seem to have more downs thanups. That includes me i have had so many traumatic experiences that it is hard to come back from them and try and get a life back ive some way to go. You can do it too but getting help is important to your recovery.

Keep posting and let us know how your getting on .

Dave

GreySkys · 07-05-2010, 07:29 PM

Thanks :). Im now kinda withdrawing from everyone. Not going out not naswering my phone. Checking it but not reading any messeges. Thinking about stuff thats happened in the past. :(

bleedingdragon · 07-05-2010, 08:34 PM

Hey Greyskys,
your welcome ,

I can understand you withdrawing from everyone we all do it at some time in our lives . I started withdrawing years ago ever since my divorce i am scared around groups of people im scared of seing my ex around or my bully they live locally. I can only manage to go out for walks if its a certain way every time i go. I can only manage to get out for my therapy sessions .

Its a natural process because of what youve been through that you have begun to withdraw from society when we are depressed we do it and depending on what we have gone through we withdraw to a safe distance/ place. Its our flight or fight survival instinct. we need to try to get to grips with it before it gets too much out of control ive still got a long way to go myself .

Im scared of my phone ringing to or answering the phone . And your now thinking about stuff thats happened in the past it can get like a constant loop or if you are triggered that brings back bad memories .

Its really important that you get in touch with your Dr to make an appointment so you can get the help you need inbetween waiting to start your counselling. Dont forget your out of hours surgery number

stay safe

Dave

[LittleMonster] · 07-05-2010, 08:56 PM

Hey

I'm glad you're gonna be getting counselling
You do sound like you're depressed, I got diagnosed with moderate depression after explaining symptoms that sound precisely like yours

Do make a Dr appointment, they are usually very understanding
Good luck

hugss

GreySkys · 09-05-2010, 12:16 PM

Thanks everyone xxx

geegee123 · 09-05-2010, 12:30 PM

I can't really give you advice, but I just thought I'd post to tell you that you aren't alone.. I have exactly the same thoughts as you and stuff, like the other day I stood at the side of a road thinking how easy it would be to just walk forwards a little. And I do the same with reading my texts but not replying and not answering my phone and stuff.. It's like you just don't wanna talk to anyone.
Sorry, I'm not quite sure what the point in this message is, I guess I'm just trying to say that you aren't the only one, you aren't alone and you can PM me if you ever need to talk. Just stay strong xx