In less than 12 hours I'll be at work - not a place I like on the best of days. It will be worse than usual though because of Easter and because a friend of mine is encouraging me to tell my crush that I like him, and he just happens to work there too. This is the first time I've liked a guy, prior to this it's always been girls I fell for. Plus I'm terrified of sex and anything to do with it. I'm 19 and have barely kissed anyone. I've never done the "I like you" talk to anyone's face. I told one girl via text and another on my calculator in maths class (go scientific calculators! They have the alphabet programmed in).
So I'm really nervous and dreading work. Plus a few hours ago I was cleaning out my room and I found some medication, with an expiry date of "??/04/2010" The ?? is because a sticker is over the day and so I can't read it, but for all I know it could be the first or second which would mean they are now expired. In any case they are really close. I didn't throw them out. I want them. I have non-expired ones too, although of a different brand (but similar in nature). I have a low tolerance for this particular drug anyways, thanks to a prior misadventure with it, even one tablet of the smallest dosage makes me feel like crap. Combine this with the fact that I'm on other drugs (prescription) atm and taking them is probably not a good idea. Let alone taking them all, which would definitely count as an overdose even if they were the lowest strength (which they're not).
So I know it's a bad idea. Yet why do I really wanna take them? Why do I keep looking over to where I hid them? I'm quite scared - I tend to be very impulsive and my self-control regarding self-harm can be....incredibly limited.
Any advise for how NOT to take them?
I'm sorry you're finding it hard at the minute.
My advice would be to get rid of them if you can bring yourself to do it.
Don't worry about having a crush on your workmate, you don't have to tell him if you don't want to, or you could always talk to him when you're feeling a little better.
x
Where were you when my walls came falling down?
You tried to hide, you stood close by and didn't make a sound. Say something.
I didn't tell him, but I have reverted back to carrying something with me at all times incase I need to self-harm. I haven't carried something for like three weeks, but I feel safer with it there. That's weird, if you think about it. Feeling safe because you have something you can hurt yourself with. But its true, if I get panicky or stressed or upset I can touch it, or use it, and things get better.
I can't throw out the pills. I might need them.
I would definitely not recommend telling your coworker, based on what you've said here. I can't imagine much good coming from it, and it doesn't seem like you want to either, actually it sounds stressful.
Can you get rid of the pills before you are in a situation where you might take them? You know that it's a bad idea, and you know that it won't make you feel better, or really solve any problems at all. If you can find the strength to get rid of them now you will be doing a huge favor to yourself on day when you are feeling more impulsive/less safe.
If you can't get rid of them yourself could you maybe give them to someone else so you can't get at the them right now? Or have some else dispose of them? Even just putting them in a place that is harder to get to would be a good idea, as it would give you more time to change your mind about taking them, which is really a bad idea. You could also put a post-it on the bottle or something, saying 'THINK' or write a list of reasons why not to take them, and keep that with the pills, so you would have to see it before you take them.
Obviously getting rid of them would be the best thing, but it's understandable if you can't do that right now. I think a note to yourself, or putting them farther out of reach could make the difference if you're ever really on the edge one day.
Nine - that's a great idea about putting a note with the pills. I know I can't get rid of them, I'm not that strong and I really might need them.
You know that feeling you get where you know you could really easily lose control if something happened, but right now you're still in control? I have that. I'm so tired from constantly trying not to lose control. I have to stay in control, at least for a while. If I can make it till Tuesday then it'll be ok...I hope. I hate Tuesdays, but there's someone I can talk to on Tuesday and maybe she can help.
I know exactly the feeling you are talking about, and that is what I was basing my advice off of. If you can do something now while you are "in control" then you might be able to protect yourself if you happen to lose it.
And I'm glad you can talk to someone on Tuesday, hopefully he or she can help you out with everything.
Right now I feel dull, depressed and invisible. Which, I suppose, is better than angry, frustrated and invisible. I don't even hjave the will to write more than this.
