Wow, that's amazing Nicola! I'm so so glad that you are doing better, and I think you are so so strong and generally great for going three weeks (and counting) without SI.
Today is a whole month!! :) .....think it is the longest i have gone in a long since around last summer(im not sure). Seems to be going quite well.
Holiday is tomorow as well, weather is meant to be bad with rain or snow....typical England lol, so wont be wearing short sleaves or shorts or anything. But there is a swiming pool, hopefully that will be ok and i am going to try and go
I slipped up today and self harmed :(...so that's 5 weeks free over, I know I'm not meant to let it get me down or count in a different way, but u feel like I've ruined it now.
Having a bad day...my boyfriend was in a bad mood and being nasty to me, I'm fed up of being treated badly and like a kid, it's so easy for people to control or manipulate me....I've said this before, but I wish I wasn't so week.
I left the house and went for a long walk, things were still bad later so I ended up SHing.
Another thing has been playing on my mind. I haven't seen my dad in about 15 years or more, since I was a kid. Had nothing, no visits or birthday cards or news, and he never paid any money to the CSA towards me. I have a few family members from my dads side on facebook, one of them has a picture of him on there, and then I saw 2 more last night taken from yesterday at someones birthday. I don't know whAt to do and feel upset. I want to know what it is that is so bad or so unloveable about me?
Aw honey there is nothing bad or unloveable about you, I promise.
Another thing I can promise is that you didn't ruin anything with a slip up. Feeling shitty enough to self harm is bad enough on it's own, you definitely don't need to make it worse by feeling guilty. You still have those five weeks free, and nothing can take that achievement away from you. Every time you resisted the urge to cut you won, you made yourself stronger.
Let's assume you just had one urge to cut a day (and I am pretty sure the actually number is significantly higher) But even if you just had one urge a day, over the last five weeks you have been more than 97% successful at resisting the urge to cut. Isn't that amazing? I think that is something to be proud of.
It sounds like you have a lot to deal with right now, and I'm really sorry about that. I'm always here if you ever want to talk. ((Big hugs))
Ps. I hope I'm not being too dismissive of the fact that you cut though. I know that for me it is always really unnerving and upsetting to cut after going a significant amount of time without it, and I'm definitely not trying to ignore the fact that it can be hard. I am just trying to say that you are awesome anyway :)
Thanks, I know it's not that bad and that I can try to carry on, I'm just feeling a bit down again now
My boyfriend has contacted my cousin and is trying to help find out about my dad and see if he wants any contact.....I don't know what's going to happen :(
My boyfriend and cousin spoke, she talked to my dad and he rang he has now spoken to me on the phone a couple if times...said sorry and stuff, saud that he has thought about me and should have seen me, said it wasn't my fault, and wants to see me soon.... I guess that I'd the best thing that could have. happened. It's all just happened a bit quick and I have alot of emotions.
I don't want things to be bad...I've never done anything before because I didn't want to upset my mum, I don't want bad things to come out about my mum, or my dad, don't want people to be upset....I've always blamed myself...I still do
I am glad you got to talk to your dad, although I can see that everything happened quickly, and its understandable that you're feeling a lot right now. I really don't think you need to blame yourself, and I don't think you will make people upset. You need to watch out for yourself too, you know?
you went five weeks, though, thats brilliant!
i hate myself a lot. ive gone, about... 4 days without cutting, but only two days without other harming. unless substance abuse is harming? idk. it kinda harms me.
im really proud for you =] youre in a bad place, now, maybe, but youve proved you can give up for a while. always remember not to try and give up forever, okay? its until whenever. until you find your wristbands, until after the weekend away, whatever. its easier that way, less pressure.
(i didnt find my wristbands for 4 years, though O_o and i never really thought about it until recently, when i found them, and here i am again XD)
So if you wanna burn yourself remember that I love you
And if you wanna cut yourself remember that I love you
And if you wanna kill yourself remember that I love you
Call me up before you're dead
We can make some plans instead
Send me an IM, I'll be your friend Kimya Dawson - Loose Lips - Juno Soundtrack
