Hello, I'm back and... confused by urges (x-posted to vets')
I've been gone from RYL for years now, dunno if anyone still remembers me from first time round(hello if so!), and been mostly recovered despite a few minor slip ups.
But recently I've been having major urges to cut... and I don't know why! I prepared tools yesterday night while my fiance was at work , and then started looking for other places which he wouldn't notice, but stopped myself thinking "WTF am I doing??"
I'm still getting urges and keep thinking about it... and I've got no idea why. Everything's okay... I'm currently planning my wedding in August but it's not really stressful as it's very small, my jobs' okay... I feel very anxious in general but I don't know why! Can anyone relate?
I want something else to get me through this
Semi-charmed kind of life baby baby
Well done for stopping!! thats amazing :)
I think that its normal for everyone who SH/ has SH in the past to think about it, at one point it must have been a huge part of your life, and maybe you are still in recovery if you get urges. You are doing so well to fight it.
The urges must be so hard, you said you feel anxious but your not sure why? Maybe you might be developing anxiety, or maybe there is a reason that you are feeling anxious but you cant figure it out?
Is there anyone you can talk to about this, to sort out why you are feeling so anxious, maybe then your urges will go away? Also just try lots of distractions because you dont want to get into the whole cycle again.
i think your amazing at how far you've come btw! x
♥ .I'm going to fall like I don't need saving. ♥
...My smile's just the armour I built when I was alone...
There was some part of me that hurt so badly, that I wouldn't ever be able to forget it.
It faded but the memories could bring it back any second, keeping me in the moment.
It would never fully heal. I could never really be free. I could never really be fixed. Now I just have to work out how to live whilst being broken.
I feel like I'm dying.
Congratulations on the recovery =D
Like DontLookUp said, I'm pretty sure everybody will still get the urge from time to time. The important thing is that you're still holding it off - keep doing that! You're strong enough to resist, you've shown that :)
Is there anything that could be making you anxious in the slightest?
If someone ever says to you "You need to stop thinking so much," call them ignorant in your head and keep thinking deeper. It is this mentality that breeds stupidity and sheeple. Your mind is the most important tool you have. If you stop using it, it will atrophy.
I'm not that strong and I ****ed up and made a few cuts... well hidden in a place I've not cut before so OH hasn't seen them yet... hopefully he won't because they're not deep and there aren't many so I'm rubbing them with sweet almond oil to heal them quickly, before he notices.
He's the only person I could really talk to about this and I don't want to worry him with it as it doesn't feel important enough... I'm going to try and set a time limit, if the urges are still bothering me then I'll have to talk about them but I'm hoping it won't come to that.
[ETA- my fiance has threatened that if I start cutting again, then so will he which is why I feel I can't tell him and still want to keep this from him. We all know how easy it is to get drawn into SI ionce we make that first cut and I don't want that to happen to him as well.
I rather hoped(rationalized?) that making the cuts would get the urges out my system. It hasn't though, duh. Quite the opposite, I feel unsatisfied that I didn't cut deep enough, or make enough cuts and now I feel the urge to do some more serious, more satisfying damage. I feel stupid as I should have known that was going to happen. Like I haven't been there done that before too often to remember.
Last edited by DoveInGrey : 10-04-2010 at 02:26 AM.
I want something else to get me through this
Semi-charmed kind of life baby baby
I've just noticed my old status was set to "back soon"- now there's a self-fulfilling prophecy for you! I took a break from RYL while in recovery years ago and tried staying away from reminders of SH so as not to trigger myself, I don't know how well that worked as I've had slip-ups along the way.
I've been reading threads of people I've know from here from years ago and it's making me think I've been a bad friend for having lost touch over the years when they clearly they were struggling and in need of support. I'm sorry. :(
I'm kind of lost for words and don't know what to say in situations like these or how to reply anyway. (Just another thing I'm useless at on a long list)
Last edited by DoveInGrey : 10-04-2010 at 02:19 AM.
I want something else to get me through this
Semi-charmed kind of life baby baby
Sorry for the multiple posts, I''ve got my mouse hovering over the panic button and don't want to lose what I've written so I'm doing it in small bits.
Thinking about what is making me anxious some more... my fiance's sister is due to go into labour anytime now and on some level I'm worried that meeting his first niece of nephew might trigger him to feel broody... now, I'm childfree-by-choice and he has fertility issues but was on the fence about having kids before he met me, and says it's something he wouldn't leave me over... I don't want to deprive him of anything and have him grow to resent me though... it's kind of silly but I feel that meeting his sister's baby could mark a turning point I guess.
I want something else to get me through this
Semi-charmed kind of life baby baby
hey, just wanted to say thats good that you have come back on to ryl and seeking support. If you need someone to talk to then drop me a pm, always do my best to help out my fellow buds :)
xxx
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
Of course i remember you. In fact i was thinking of you last month. I have no idea what made you think you were forgettable.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DoveInGrey
I've just noticed my old status was set to "back soon"- now there's a self-fulfilling prophecy for you! I took a break from RYL while in recovery years ago and tried staying away from reminders of SH so as not to trigger myself, I don't know how well that worked as I've had slip-ups along the way.
I've been reading threads of people I've know from here from years ago and it's making me think I've been a bad friend for having lost touch over the years when they clearly they were struggling and in need of support. I'm sorry. :(
I'm kind of lost for words and don't know what to say in situations like these or how to reply anyway. (Just another thing I'm useless at on a long list)
You're not a bad person, you're a great person. You think you've been a bad friend? I think you've been an inspiration for others to follow. I think we need people to move on from here when they stop self-harming. And you're not a useless person. You've helped so many people here and on previous sites, and gods know how many people and animals elsewhere.
Sorry for the multiple posts, I''ve got my mouse hovering over the panic button and don't want to lose what I've written so I'm doing it in small bits.
Thinking about what is making me anxious some more... my fiance's sister is due to go into labour anytime now and on some level I'm worried that meeting his first niece of nephew might trigger him to feel broody... now, I'm childfree-by-choice and he has fertility issues but was on the fence about having kids before he met me, and says it's something he wouldn't leave me over... I don't want to deprive him of anything and have him grow to resent me though... it's kind of silly but I feel that meeting his sister's baby could mark a turning point I guess.
It's not silly. The way you explain it, it sounds logical.
You've been with your fiance for quite a while now. You ought to be able to trust him to be true to his word, and not leave you. You're a catch anyway. ;)
