Triggering (Suicide) - need advice--suicidal thoughts?

[butterflymom]

i hope that i am not sharing too much.....so i want it to be a TRIGGER WARNING (suicide) even though i just have a question.

i've never, ever thought of myself as suicidal. i self injury, but i don't want to do die. but i HAVE thought about things, though...how i would do it if i had to...but that was when i was on birth control pills and they made my depression horribly worse (no longer on them!!). but before that and sometimes after, thoughts would just pop into my head....like if i got a headache instead of thinking i'll take two of these ibuprofin i would be like 'i could take the whole bottle'. where the heck did that come from? not even on a bad day? or i'd be driving and the train track arms would come down and i'd think 'i could just keep driving'....knowing that i'd never do it. i don't think??

has this ever happened to anyone else??? :( i have a doc. appt. tomorrow and i promised my pastor/councelor that i would tell her everything (last time i was there i downplayed my depression feelings and lied to her about the self harm). i haven't even told my pastor about these suicidal thoughts and i just don't know how to tell my doctor either. i don't ever, ever, ever want my husband to know i've thought this way.

[Ampelmann]

I think it's a good thing you are considering telling your doctor so that he/she has the whole picture and can perhaps see better how to help, or at least keep an eye on how you're getting on. If you felt you couldn't say it, maybe write it down beforehand (then you wouldn't be tempted to downplay and pretend that everything is much better than it actually is)? If it helps, i've had thoughts very similar when I've not been wanting to activly thinking about suicide, wouldn't choose to do it in the way that comes into my head anyway. I know for me though, I'm just scared I will do it one day spontaneously just agree with the thought and do it. I think its best if you tell the doctor, even if they can't do anything, just so they know.

[Hannah Montana]

Yes. You're certainly not alone. I often daydream about committing suicide, but i've never even come close. I don't want to die or anything. But it is a worry of mine. I always thought that 'normal' people didn't think like that.
You're right to go to the doctor about this, even if you don't want to go through with your thoughts. Telling someone else is important.

[Ampelmann]

How'd the appointment go? Did you manage to explain how you're feeling?

[fragile as glass]

Honesty is always the best policy.

[*Julia*]

Are you saying they're thoughts with no power behind them? I get those sometimes, though I'm not suicidal. It would probably still be a good idea to tell your doctor. Better safe than sorry, right?

[fragile as glass]

There is a total difference between our day or night dreams and reality. Unless you act on your dreams they are powerless to hurt others although they could mess you up and leave you unsafe. And if it did, thats when visiting a doctor would be a good idea (for help, reassurance, possibly medication...) But thats way down the line yet. (from how Im hearing you)

[butterflymom]

thank you everyone who responded to my post. amplemann--thank you for asking how my appt. went. i did better than i thought that i would, BUT i didn't mention the suicidal thoughts. :( i actually forgot to--even though i had everything typed out that i wanted to remember. but, my doctor was great, she made it really easy to talk to her.... she recommended keeping up with my counceling, start to exercise at least 20 minutes a day, and she put me on meds. i don't know how i feel about the meds yet. we'll see.

[Ampelmann]

Glad it went better than you thought :) Hope things start to improve for you soon.

[fragile as glass]

Likewise x