I'm not so sure I can do this, I've had people tell me that I'm the one that always takes care of people and helps people out, I feel like I have to be strong for everyone and I can't seem to do it anymore, I feel like I'm not allowed to break down when so many people need me, that I should just *deal* I can't deal.
I'm tired of not admitting when I need help and when I'm not feeling in the right state of mind, I push it down to help other people with their issues, because I think no one wants to listen to me.
I spent the last few days with a few of my friends, we were hanging out and most of the night was stressful, we were all going through something at some point and my bestfriend was all but losing his mind, he wouldn't talk to anyone and got very angry. I was the one that had to go and get him when he went outside, I was the one that held him as he cried on my shoulder, I was the one that had to take every single sharp object out of his kitchen so he couldn't hurt himself.
no one else knew what to do or how to handle him, so I had to.
I had flashbacks after he had passed out in his room (we were drinking), and I wanted so much to tell the others or at least someone that I wasn't good. that I needed someone to sit with me
instead I went outside and slammed my fist into the storage compartment door until I couldn't feel my hand, I sat outside for an hour hurting myself with a lighter and crying because I felt like I was not allowed to have these feelings, I am supposed to take care of my friends and make sure they're ok, they've always been there for me, and would have helped me if I asked, but I felt like I wasn't supposed to show that I was breaking down because they had delt with enough with my friend.
I feel like I can't show emotions or show what is wrong with me
I hate it, I want to be able to tell someone, anyone that I'm in pain and I don't know why and I need someone to help me.
and I can't.
I don't know what to do
sorry for the rant.
