Triggering (Suicide) - .....

[GreySkys]

Im going to try and start from the beggining because I need help right now. I need support. Im going to try and tell you why im in this stupid state that im in now without it sounding pathetic and attention seeking. Im sorry if it does.

Im adopted. When I first found this out I thought I was special. Having two mums and dads. But then then sumone spread a rumor about how I was born in a bin because of being adopted. Thats when I realised it wasnt special.
One day i was grounded for dying my hair black and I was rummuging through my baby album. I found a picture of my birth mum. I had never seen this picture before in my life. When my mum found out I had it everything changed. She said I was a selfish cow and that she was my real mum not the women in the picture. My dad said I was selfish and I should have never got that picture. My mum started hating me after that.

Me and my mum started arguing constanlty. My mum and dad were very over protective. I was 14 but never allowed out fatre school and was only allowed at till 7 even in the summer. They hated my friends. No matter who I hanged round with they hated them. The arguments started between me and my dad and he started to hit me again. Thats when I started cutting. My mum used to say stuff like how she wished I would just runaway and never come back. She wished she had a better daughter than me. She told me she hated me. It really upset me because things upset me eaisly.

My best friend at the time Laura started getting bullied by this girl called Tasha. She told me 5 months after it had started. I was so upset that she couldnt tell me before that time. It was a month after this I realised how bad things were when her best friend Lauren died because this girl Tasha had cheated on her babys dad. She killed herself with a overdose of drugs. Then Laura got suicidal. I started cutting more and more. No-one knew.

The bullying got sorted out. Laura was okayish but we were starting to drift apart because I had started smoking and hanging round with my old school friend Charlotte and her best mate Amie. One day when me and Laura were going the pictures she seen my cuts. She cried telling me I could have told her I could have told her. I couldnt. Then my mum and dad found out and took me the hospidal. The only thing my mum would say was "DONT YOU DARE BLAME THIS ON ME!" I started family councelling session which my mum refused to go to.

Things got slightly better and I got a new boyfriend in 2009. His name was danny. Id liked him for ages before that so I fell in love with him pretty quick. We were together 4 months. I found out of his best friend Jay that we wernt together and hed got with one of my mates Tanya. I was broken hearted. In september me and danny had a one night stand. Then I found out I was pregnant. I was in denial about it. I was three months gone when I found out and a week later drank myself into a really bad state. I lost the baby. To this day it kills me to think it was my fault the baby died. I eventually told Danny a couple of weeks ago. We were drinking at the time. He said I wouldnt have been a fit enough mother anyway as I couldnt even take care of myself. We had a fight and he hit me. At the time I was in the middle of running away. That night I also found out my best friend Amie had slept witth Danny and could be pregnant by him.

Im back at home now. My family life hasnt got any better my mum still says things like "Go and slit your wrists" and my dad still hits me. I feel suicidal most of the time. I tried to make a doctors appoinment but freaked out and never went. Ive put on weight and its making me seriously unhappy. Its not a massive amount but im paranoid about it. My best friend Amie is only intrested in her bf Mick and Danny. Im still cutting. I didnt stop. The most ive stopped for is 3 months. My arms are covered in scars. I also took and OD a two weeks ago. Didnt do nothing but made me go on hype. I just can't take it anymore. Ive had enough, I want out.
I really just wanna be dead.

[-Pandora-]

I am so sorry that all this has happened to you. You didn't deserve any of that and I am so sorry that you have had to deal with so much bad stuff and bad people.
You are not better off dead. You deserve a happy life and you can have that if you work towards it.
Have you considered councelling for your SH and OD problems? I have recently started getting councelling myself for SH and abuse within the home, and as much as it may sound scary or there have been rumours that it doesn't work, everyone is different and it could work for you if you give it a try?

How is everything now?
Hope your okay, stay safe :)
PM me anytime :)
xx

[Katiee]

I'm sorry so much has happened hun, must be really awful - you really need to tell someone who can help. I really think you should prehaps talk to Childline/Samaritans and they can get you help, such as childline will be able to do something for you, please try and contact them (if you can't ring you can always e-mail - PM me if you want more information on that). When you feel like cutting try and use distractions or something hun, cutting won't help. Please stay safe and I'm always here if you want to talk. Take care. <33

[GreySkys]

I just feel like the world would be better of without me tbh. But im to cowardly to do anything about it.

[borntobleed]

hey,.... i can relate to the adoption situation a bit as i am in a childrens home, so if theres anything you ever want to get off your chest about it then i am more than willing to listen.

you are strong because you have been able to tell us about whats going on in your life. the suicidal feelings will pass, i feel like it alot and i know you wont belive it will pass because i dont when people tell me.

i can relate to the whole "go slit your wrists" as im sure most people on here are, but i know its harder when its your carers that say it. but maybe your mum dosent understand what is going on, and is hurting because she dosent know how to approach the subject... but it still dosent excuse the way she has said things to you.

you had more right than anyone to find that picture and i hope you took comfort in seeing your birth mum.

you really dont deserve any of the hard stuff that is going on. and i am sure you are not a selfish cow. im sorry for going on but i just wanted you to know i can relate.

if you EVER need to talk i am only a p.m away, ok.
take care of yourself, just know im thinking of you xxx