I'm approaching a major transition, and I would appreciate some support. Turning 40 is a rite of passage if you will. Turning 30 was big, but not this big. I also wasn't very well when I was 30. I was falling into quite a severe depression that wouldn't be diagnosed and treated until several years later and has turned out to be a very protracted episode of illness, which I am starting to really come out of now.
A week and a half to go now. Hmm. Many thoughts. For so long I didn't believe that I could live past 40. And now it seems that "I will survive". That's ok. Just feels.. weird. You know, when you get an idea in your head about something, anything that contradicts it feels.. odd.
It's actually a special birthday for me. I want to make sure it's special. Special cakes for work, doing nice things for myself and everything.
Who would have thought I would live to 40 and beyond? I, who nearly died at birth, and had a 50-50 chance of surviving the first 48 hours.
My mum.. she seems to be having a hard time accepting her 'little girl' is turning 40. She's told a relative that no, I don't want a 'special birthday' card. [i.e. with 40 on it]. But what if I do? I mean, it's not worth an argument, but is my mum just trying to pretend it isn't happening. Hmm. But I'm the one who'll have the card up in my room, and she won't even see it.
40 years old. And a virgin still. Please don't laugh. I'm working on the whole relationship thing, but just haven't got to the 'romance etc' level yet. It's painful. I'll never have a child, most likely. And I've the risk of being seen as/turning into a bitter lonely middle aged woman. I'll fight against that, but people still see one that way. It's tough. I contain that kind of a woman within me, it would be impossible not to, really. But I'm also more than that.
If anyone laughs at you then I'd say screw 'em! You don't need people in your life like that. You've overcome the odds from day1 and you should be so happy and proud to have survived and made it to a monumental milestone. Good for you wanting to celebrate it as its the special day that it is. I'm only 28 (29 in may) and I too wasn't sure how long I'd be on this earth, either by my own hand or through chronic illness and disease, so each birthday is a milestone and I hope that I too will one day have your positivity about turning 40.
Do you have the type of relationship where you can say to your mum that you do indeed want to make a fuss and for goodness sakes, you'll be 40, so she needs to accept you're an adult and not a little girl, despite all that you've been through? It would be a shame to not have your mum make a fuss on your special day if that is what you'd like. Good luck!
"All battles in life serve to teach us something, even the battles we lose"
"There are moments in life when the only possible option is to lose control"
I plan to phone my parents this weekend, so hopefully I can bring up the issue with my mum then - delicately.
Today... drum roll... I had the afternoon off work, so decided to go shopping for my birthday presents in Brent Cross. It was fairly crowded, but manageable. I was feeling stable and mellow and calm [not a frequent occurrence in public for me] so I thought I'd make the most of it. I chose some things I wanted for me, using the money my parents gave me. Including a jade green coat for the spring/summer - which tones nicely with my green eyes. All the things I chose are meaningful to me, which is how it should be.
Good for you , It's good to spend money on yourself once in a while Especially when it's your birthday .and it's good that you felt so mellow and calm as well.:)
Sorry this post is 1 line ,I'm bad with words sometimes .
Last edited by Doikers : 11-03-2010 at 05:12 PM.
Reason: oops
I'm still not comfortable in my skin and the anasthetic's slowly wearing thin - Otep
Everyones lost but me! - Indiana Jones
It's okay , they know me here .
Kahlia1981 is my adopted little sister :)
''Courage doesn't always roar , sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow"
ooh shopping, I love shopping! :) But I can't cope with going out by myself or in crowds anymore, so go you for doing it and coping so well!!
Are you going to put the presents aside til your actual birthday, or can you just not wait to go out in your lovely new coat?!
"All battles in life serve to teach us something, even the battles we lose"
"There are moments in life when the only possible option is to lose control"
Thanks - I too have troubles with crowds and such, so this was indeed a real achievement for me.
I am keeping my presents for my actual birthday, yes. I want to use them now, but I'm being 'good' like always, and waiting! Plus, it's not quite warm enough for my coat. It's this one.
Happy early birthday! I always remember people's birthdays far in advance and then run out of time to send birthday wishes the day of, so I'm doing it now.
I think it's great that you're living it up on your big day!! I remember when I was little 40 was "over the hill." Now it's still a young, hip age. I say that, and I just turned 28.
Yet, for some reason, I think of 28 as much older than I did when I was 12 or even 20 now that I am 28. You would think it'd be the other way around. I think that's because I want to have a baby and I'm not sure if I'm in the right relationship or if I'll have time to meet someone new in time with how crazy my career is going to be in the next few years if I'm not in the right relationship.
28 was a HUGE birthday for me because I have this whole suicide/addiction history, so my mother was convinced I would die at 27. I actually should've died numerous times before I was 18. Anyhow, I think she held her breath the entire last year.
But back to YOU. That coat is fabulous. And if your mom is going to be a spoil sport and attempt to make the significance of this birthday anything other than a joyous milestone, then I'd say not to invite her to any celebration. Because another great thing about being 40 is that your mom does not get to make you miserable or nag you if you don't let her.
I am glad you are going to talk to your Mum about it, its a huge thing to celebrate and so many of my friends have found that life really does start at 40!
The coat is lovely! It sounds after everything you have been through that turning 40 is like a new start. and you deserve to celebrate and be happy!
Differences...are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open. GOF
Albus Dumbledore
Happy birthday, love!! *gentle celebratory hugs* I hope it's a wonderful day for you... :) And I agree with Irene, I don't see you turning into a bitter old woman... I think it's within a lot of us to be that way, but not a great deal of us turn out that way.
Hope that made sense!!
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
I hope that you had a wonderful birthday yesterday and enjoyed being able to have all your goodies. Sorry I couldn't post on the day but I was away visiting family. *huge huggles!*
"All battles in life serve to teach us something, even the battles we lose"
"There are moments in life when the only possible option is to lose control"
