Possibly Triggering - Hello Paranoia

[xxtamsynxx]

Not really sure what this is....just a piece of writing I guess.

Oh, hello Paranoia. How kind of you to grace me with your presence, it's been a while right? Thanks for coming along right now, perfect timing, just what I need at this exact moment in time. More work for my already exhausted mind.


I guess we're going to play games like "over-think everything" driving me to the point of insanity, where I physically want to scream. Thinking over and over and over again. Analysing situations, what did happen, what didn't happen, what could have happened. Even days after the actual event until I've gone over it so many times it doesn't even seem real anymore.

Another one of your favourites "everyone hates me". That's right, what everyone says isn't what they mean. Secretly they cannot stand the sight of me, or bear being in the same room as me. They talk about me behind my back. Their snide remarks make me feel picked on and criticised. Walking into a room of people makes me feel sick, puts me on edge. Just makes me want to curl up into the tiniest ball or just disappear completely. Every situation I am faced with makes me feel uncomfortable.

Oh, and there's also the "everyone is looking at me". Rather than being self obsessed or self absorbed and wanting attention you make me crave the exact opposite I want to fade into thin air. I feel like there are a hundred pairs of eyes on me all at once. Judging me, mocking me, laughing at me. No, this isn't being full of myself, this is far from it, this is being so disgusted and ashamed with yourself you want to be able to walk along and not pass a single person, or become transparent and not have to think about what people are seeing when they pass by. Walking through town, the thought of someone I know driving past and seeing me put's me on edge, it makes me want to recoil inside myself. It brings about tension in my body and panic in my chest.

And these games last forever, you don't make me play them on their own, nor do you indulge in them now and again. It's constant, forever, always. I can feel my mind working, deconstructing everything. Taking it apart, piece by piece, ultimately afraid that I'll look stupid, weak or whatever else I try to hide so often.

You try so hard to expose me, make others realise what I really am, what I'm really feeling. This is why you make me do this, because I am hiding so much, I'm so scared of being found out. I'm constantly in a game of tug of war, except the rope is my mask, which I so desperately want and need to keep firmly placed, hiding the real me from everything. But no, you wont have that. You make me think that everyone secretly knows about me, they laugh, the talk, they judge, they think. You make me feel so small, so unconfident.

The stupid thing is, I know you are ridiculous, totally and utterly false. But your also incredibly over powering. I'm not in control of this relationship. You have me firmly under your grip, and whatever you say goes. Everyone is trying to figure me out. Plotting against me. You make hiding such a chore, not only do I have to cover everything up, I have to do it twice. Just to make sure there is no possibility in anyone finding out.

I don't know how long you'll be around, it's already been a while, but I'd quite like you to go now. I want to go back to being as normal as possible. I don't want to tear every situation, voice, sentence, event, person, remark, critique, joke anything apart into tiny pieces. It's exhausting. And to be quite honest I don't have the energy anymore. So please, just go.

Get out of my head, where my thoughts are occupied 24/7, get out of my body, where you make me physically cringe, curl up, turn away and walk with my head down. Give me back my thoughts, my confidence, my self esteem and my pride.

Your ruining me and I don't like it.

Please go.

[FakeSmiles]

You've described me :|