The past few weeks for me have been awful to say the least. I went a month without...But shortly after one month, I gave in. I have harmed myself several times since.
I can't get rid of the temptation.
I had an awful day 2 days ago. I've lost trust in just about everyone, and I told my ex and Best friend never to talk to me again and wasn't talking to another of my best mates- I was an awful friend all day...and although they granted me their forgiveness I still felt very guilty so punished myself for it...I didn't punish myslef enough (I thought) and despite my friends saying It was all ok...I slipped up once again...
The past few weeks...I've had many thoughts of suicide. :/
I would say that things'll get better but if you're anything like me you wouldn't believe me
All I can say really is that even though you slipped up, you don't need to feel guilty or anything
I know from experience that that's hard
At least they've forgiven you for it and that
If you want to talk, you can PM me if you want, I'll be on pretty much all night
:)
I May Be Going Broke But I'm Never Broken Down
Less Than Jake <3
16.06.10 - The Day He Saved My Life
Love You Baban
<3
Temptation is a nasty bitch. It tries to prey on people...
You shouldn't punish yourself, but I'm sure you already know that. If your friends forgive you, they seem to be understanding people. Maybe you can talk to them about how you feel, and the thoughts about suicide? It's not healthy to carry those kind of thoughts on your own.
I see you write that you've lost trust in people, and that is something I can relate to. But if your friends are forgiving - maybe they are good listeners and understanding too?
"You monkeys grinning behind your bars — I’m more at home with the winds and the stars."-A.C.
:/ Yep...I don't believe it will get better... :/
I don't trust anyone anymore...I really don't...
I do feel guilty...I can't stop feeling guilty...no matter how much people say I don't need to...
They have forgiven me...But...I still hurt them... :(
Endymion: :/. i know its not healthy to carry those thoughts... but...I can't stop them....some people know I have them...but they can't do anything.
I've never trusted people really...Even if they prove trust...I know I'll lose them or be betrayed sooner or later.. x
Endymion: :/. i know its not healthy to carry those thoughts... but...I can't stop them....some people know I have them...but they can't do anything.
I've never trusted people really...Even if they prove trust...I know I'll lose them or be betrayed sooner or later.. x
I know very much how it is not to trust people. I'm not saying that I understand your situation, that would be wrong of me, but I do understand the feeling of alienating yourself from people because of distrust and other feelings.
But still, thoughts of suicide are very serious. Even though you "know" with yourself that you will not proceed with these thoughts, they will eat you up from the inside. You need to vent them, and words is the best and least harmful way.
You say there are some people who know about them. That is a good sign. Even though they can't make the thoughts go away, maybe they can listen? Or maybe they can just share your company, to make you think of other things? Sometimes silence helps to, when it's shared with the right people.
I know it's hard to trust people, and I'm not really the right guy to say that you should either - since I'm very distrusting myself. But you have to see them for what they are - they are humans with limitations. If you can manage their limitations, they can be of some use to you. :)
"You monkeys grinning behind your bars — I’m more at home with the winds and the stars."-A.C.
:/...
I don't like silence....when silent...I think bad thoughts. I have 2 nights a week from 3:35- 5:30 where I stay with my best mate and we cheer each other up talking stuff through, flirting and buying energy drinks...He makes me feel happy....which helps me a huge amount at times. But...When not talking to him...I feel so low...Like I have no one... :/. I can't rely on him forever...seen as I'm leaving soon and going to a different college...I really can't bear the thought of leaving him behind...as I know I'll go way off track. I tell him a fair bit...But still...I can't trust even him fully...as I fear he doesn't like me as much as he lets on...I love him...and he apparently really likes me too... I would be so much happier if we were together...but, I would have the fear of losing him and ruining such a strong and close friendship...and also...I think he has commitment problems. I don't think he knows I'd be happier if i was with him. He see's my cuts, he see's me low...and when I'm with him, he knows I'm happy.. but...he doesn't understand.
Its hurting me to be so close to him when I know i'll never have him. It also hurts to be friends with my ex as it is a constant reminder of all i lost.
:/ i just...see people happier without me a lot of the time. They don't notice when I walk away when I'm low... x
I'm so sorry to hear that. I am. =/
But. Try to prepare yourself for a new start when you start the new college. It might sound stupid, but try to program your mind into thinking that this is a new start. Maybe it won't be, but it's better to try and fail than to not try at all. And sometimes changes in life really can work out for the better.
People are often egocentrical and shallow, and rarely understand even that which is right infront of them. It's sad, but in many cases it's true. But if you're lucky, and if you give it a shot, maybe you'll meet some new and good people in the new college..? :)
"You monkeys grinning behind your bars — I’m more at home with the winds and the stars."-A.C.
:/
I really fear going to a new college. It was bad enough on the taster day...I was so scared of being around all these new people. I don't like social situations- I avoid them when I can. I hate being in crowded rooms...It makes me want to scream. I'm bad enough when i'm in assemblys with the rest of my year group- and I've known them all for 5 years. I just...get paranoid and anxious...and start clawing at myself...I count down the hours till i can get out of the room.
:/ true...He apparently also really fancies me...but...He is a bit scared of commitment... And...I don't blame his fears..because I doubt any relationship is easy with me. Everyone thinks were always flirt and basically thinks we are already together when were not. as me and my friend said when I was still with my ex "you know...we might as well be going out.."
I'm not comfortable in social situations myself, so I can definitely relate to what you say here. But it's hell when you're starting at a new school, if you get of at the wrong foot... If you avoid the humans from the beginning, you'll end up finding yourself in that pattern for some time to come. My advice is to just "jump into it" (this is really easy to say, I didn't even take my own advice last time I started school). But if you do it in small steps, just an extra smile or a hollow conversation. It can mean a lot just to break the ice. :)
I don't know what to say about your relationship to him, really. Would it be easier for you if you had more definite limits? Having things the way you describe might make it more difficult for you -although I am not qualified to say anything about that - but maybe it would be better is you either had "all or nothing"?
Don't blame yourself, anyway. Even if a relationship to you might seem hard, it's hard no matter what issues a person has. And everybody has SOMETHING. It's when you find that special someone who is willing to work on it with you and have patience, it really pays off... :)
"You monkeys grinning behind your bars — I’m more at home with the winds and the stars."-A.C.
:/ it isn't easy...thats why my option was not to talk to him or be close to him anymore...but truthfully, I think he needs me as much as I need him. I have NEVER seen him angry and upset before...but when I told him I didn't want to talk and have anything to do with him- for once, he looked incredibly annoyed and upset and didn't agree with me at all :/...I missed him too..and realised I needed him...so told him I was incredibly sorry and hugged him after about 3 hours of not talking.... :/. I don't care about myself, and don't care how much the situation is hurting me...so long as he can be happy...and I can still be as close to him...i can put up with the pain... x
Good! Even if you try and fail, it's a lot better than to never have tried. And of course you can be unlucky with some of the people you meet, but still... Each person is different. Even though they all have their weaknesses, they also have some strong sides. The hard job is to figure out which good sides that belongs o which person. :)
Awww. I'm sorry. Relationships can be so hard, and things like that is just pain. I'm afraid I don't have anything wise to say about this... Have you talked to him about your feelings? Don't just tell him you're sorry, like you said, but tell him everything. It will be scary as Hell... Maybe send an e-mail or through a social-networking site if you're both on the same (like Facebook)? At least maybe something will stand clearer if you get a response..? I don't really know, I'm just rambling. But that's all I can do. :P
"You monkeys grinning behind your bars — I’m more at home with the winds and the stars."-A.C.
