I wish anorexia would take over my body again, give me the strength to lose all of this hideous, ugly, FAT blubber on my body. it suffocates me. In the bath early I was just so aware of how all of my body felt. How grotesquely heavy my breasts felt on my chest, the rolls of fat around my belly, the way my arms seemed to spread like lard against my sides and the way I could push my fingers into my thighs and STILL not feel bone underneath.I feel hideous. Grotesque. A MONSTER. An ugly, fat, monstrous being. I just want to lose weight. Why does it have to be so ****ing hard? I can't lose it "healthily" and that's why I want my ED to take me over again, make me feel safe and in control, make me lsoe the weight I've re-gained since last time, just a few pounds, maybe a few more. I just want to feel pretty, if I was thinner things would be better. I could be happier, I KNOW I could be. The way I look is one of the main things that makes me feel so shitty about myself. I'm ****ing weak, WHY CAN'T I STOP EATING?! I hate myself right now. I feel like a fat bloated pig. I want my stomach to shrink back down to the size of a pea like it was last month, I want a few grapes and some water to fill me up like it did then. I want to see my stomach slowly getting flatter again and for my measurements to go down tiny bit by tiny bit. I want the sense of achievement that comes from successfully hiding my eating habits/hiding food. I want it back. i want it to consume me. i want to feel clean and pure again, not dirtied with this filth I've stuffed inside my body.
Sorry for the rant.
Last edited by squirrelspit : 14-03-2010 at 11:25 PM.
Reason: swapping a rule breaking term for a none rule breaking term. :)
I don't know any words of advice but I know EXACTLY how you feel.
I want to kiss the bottom of the ocean before I burst through its surface into the sunlight, otherwise I will always be wondering about what was left unseen at the bottom
i'm tired of chasing my dreams. i'm just gonna ask where they're going, and hook up with them later.
I wish I was alone then it would mean no one else would feel like this as it is so horrible and hard to fight.
But knowing I'm not alone it also nice, but I just wish it wasn't so.
Have you any idea what your gonna do? I feel totally lost I have no idea of how to tackle it.
Do you have any help? I have just a SW to tries to understand but I don't think she does at all.
I want to kiss the bottom of the ocean before I burst through its surface into the sunlight, otherwise I will always be wondering about what was left unseen at the bottom
i'm tired of chasing my dreams. i'm just gonna ask where they're going, and hook up with them later.
I wish "ana" would take over my body again, give me the strength to lose all of this hideous, ugly, FAT blubber on my body. it suffocates me. In the bath early I was just so aware of how all of my body felt. How grotesquely heavy my breasts felt on my chest, the rolls of fat around my belly, the way my arms seemed to spread like lard against my sides and the way I could push my fingers into my thighs and STILL not feel bone underneath.I feel hideous. Grotesque. A MONSTER. An ugly, fat, monstrous being. I just want to lose weight. Why does it have to be so ****ing hard? I can't lose it "healthily" and that's why I want my ED to take me over again, make me feel safe and in control, make me lsoe the weight I've re-gained since last time, just a few pounds, maybe a few more. I just want to feel pretty, if I was thinner things would be better. I could be happier, I KNOW I could be. The way I look is one of the main things that makes me feel so shitty about myself. I'm ****ing weak, WHY CAN'T I STOP EATING?! I hate myself right now. I feel like a fat bloated pig. I want my stomach to shrink back down to the size of a pea like it was last month, I want a few grapes and some water to fill me up like it did then. I want to see my stomach slowly getting flatter again and for my measurements to go down tiny bit by tiny bit. I want the sense of achievement that comes from successfully hiding my eating habits/hiding food. I want it back. i want it to consume me. i want to feel clean and pure again, not dirtied with this filth I've stuffed inside my body.
Sorry for the rant.
when i see you tomorrow i will give you a proper hug i promise :), and dont worry you will lose the weight it can just take some people time, hell im still trying to put it on and its taking way to long been about 2 years at least maybe 4 i think
I wish I was alone then it would mean no one else would feel like this as it is so horrible and hard to fight.
But knowing I'm not alone it also nice, but I just wish it wasn't so.
Have you any idea what your gonna do? I feel totally lost I have no idea of how to tackle it.
Do you have any help? I have just a SW to tries to understand but I don't think she does at all.
@Kelpie: I know what you mean :( it's not something I would wish on anyone. I feel like such a hypocrite for WANTING this in my life. I'm really confused atm, part of me wants it back but the other part knows that even though it would help one part of my life, it jsut complicates another, bigger, part of it. I don't know what I'm going to do, if it does come back I don't know how strong my determination is to fight it tbh. Are you in recovery yourself?
I only have a little help in the form of some friends, no professional help to speak of.
@Bourne: I know, but I tried for years to shift weight and it just wouldn't. I put on weight by the day regardless of how much I excercise :(
I'm feeling exaclty this right now. I don't really know what to say except remember that anorexia just gives false promises...you will feel worse even though you think you'll feel better. Thats all I keep thinking. Sorry to be no help :( Hope you feel better soon.
Last edited by squirrelspit : 15-03-2010 at 12:25 AM.
Reason: removed terms that are against the rules.
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain
I'm feeling exaclty this right now. I don't really know what to say except remember that anorexia just gives false promises...you will feel worse even though you think you'll feel better. Thats all I keep thinking. Sorry to be no help :( Hope you feel better soon.
*hugs* thanks for replying anyway hun. I know, it's just so hard at times like these :(
Look after yourself xxx
Last edited by squirrelspit : 15-03-2010 at 12:26 AM.
Reason: editing quoted post that has also been edited
I dont know what advice to give you but your not alone in feeling like this. Ive now developed EDNOS and I swear it is worse than my anorexia was and im huge! ergh. I think this is partly due to being forced into recovery by my parents and feeling how you do now... Now I live day to day not knowing whats coming and its horrible! I wish I had the dicipline back to control what goes into mouth. sorry. Hugs hun, I hope your ok.
I'm not in any sort of active recovery. I'm kinda just plodding along not knowing what I'm doing.
Wanting to be 'normal' is but wanting to be thinner. Despite the concerns raised by people around me about losing more I just want that so much.
I feel like I could embrace the whole AN but deep in me I don't want that.
I want it but I don't. And this confuses me.
I want to kiss the bottom of the ocean before I burst through its surface into the sunlight, otherwise I will always be wondering about what was left unseen at the bottom
i'm tired of chasing my dreams. i'm just gonna ask where they're going, and hook up with them later.
Gosh how I wish I could give you a hug & make all these plaguing thoughts & feelings go away. I'm just sorry that your ED is doing this to you, messing with your thought processes & making you think the way it wants you to & please don't be sorry for ranting.
x Hilda. x
wowowow.
that was intense.
well done on posting, always post here for support.
in the back of your mind you know these thoughts are unhealthy and are not ok, or else i don't think you really would have posted it.
what is going on? has something happened in your life recently or not so recently to cause you such emotional stress? what has triggered you to rip yourself apart so much, i feel like you're picking yourself away. i hope you're doing ok today. are you speaking/getting help at all in real life for any of this? <3 *hugs* xx
I replied to this yesterday :( dammit. Sorry for the late reply everyone, my internet must have spacked out :/
@Olivia: Thankyou for showing your support :) don't worry about not having advice for me, tbh atm I just need a bit of support and understanding :) I understand what you mean about being forced into recovery. One of my really close friends knows about my problem and when he notices it coming back he doesn't eat if I don't, which forces me to eat because he knows I won't let him starve, especially because of me. But that just makes me feel pressured into eating and for me recovery doesn't just mean eating the "right" amount of food :( thanks for taking the time to reply, it really does mean a lot *hugs* take care of yourself xxx
@Kelpie: I know what you mean, I feel like I could quite happily welcome the whole thing into my life as it's already a part of my brain, but deep down I know I shouldn't actively encourage it to take over again. It's so confusing trying to figure out what to do isn't it :( I hope you're feeling better about things *hugs* I'm always here if you need to talk xxx
@Hilda: Thankyou so much for your support :) I know I said this before to Olivia, but yours, and everyone elses, support on here really does mean a lot and makes things somewhat easier to cope with knowing I'm not the only one feeling like this. Take care of yourself xxx
@finallylivinglifex: I'm sorry if it was a little too on the graphic side and TOO intense :( I really hope I haven't triggered anyone with this post. It's just that it really helps me to be able to vent my feelings and write down exactly whats in my head. Nothing has ever really happened to make me think like this tbh, I had a very happy childhood, nothing negative there, I was never bullied or anything. But ever since I was about 6/7 I've had issues with my body and thought I was fat. No idea why :( I'm never gotten any help for any of my mental issues, I don't feel like this ones worthwhile to trouble anyone with (especially medically) as it isn't a constant thing, just on and off :/
hey it's ok, it's GOOD that you're venting, you haven't triggered me really, it's alright, it's good to write down exactly whats in your head.
just because you don't feel your issues have been consistent and you didn't have a soap opera child hood, doesn't excuse you from having an eating disorder. I really really urge you to open up to someone, a psychologist, social worker, anyone. just to even speak about what's on your mind. like you do with writing down and venting and writing exactly what's in your head and writing your feelings down. but instead speaking them, and getting help sifting through them, identify the true meanings behind them, and so you don't feel quite so burdened full of all this emotion and confusion. and help you figure out what is going on with you. to get help coming to your own conclusions and realizations. and so on and so forth. hope your day has been good! <3 *hugs* xx
I'm another one who really doesn't know what to say as like with many posts on this forum I feel exactly the same, I hope things work out for you, I and everyone else going through this. x
"Some days, the whole world seems upside down.
And then somehow, when you least expect it.
The world rights itself again."
"Some wars end in victory. Some wars end with a peace offering.
Some wars end in hope... But these wars are nothing.
