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Triggering (Suicide) - Hey, I'm new :) This may be triggering?
Hey,
I don't really know where to start. I'm new here, and I don't really know what I'm looking for; I just need some help I guess.
I've struggled with depression and anxiety disorders since I was eleven, and I'm 22 now. Over the last year or so it's gotten quite a bit better. Mainly because of the boyfriend I have now. He's helped me so much. Unfortunately, he was an Airborne Ranger for about five years, and he can be really sensitive about some things. Also, we think a lot differently, and sometimes he'll think that I'm lying about things just because he can't imagine that I think differently. I normally have more trouble with my depression in the spring, but this spring I've actually been doing better than the previous springs. Three springs ago I withdrew from my college with a medical withdrawal because I had been so depressed that I couldn't even get out of bed, and I was cutting myself multiple times a day everyday. The next spring I withdrew from school again, and didn't go back until last fall. The spring after that I lost my job because I kept having panic attacks. This spring I have had only one panic attack, and in general I've been doing better than before. However, I haven't been studying like I should. I'm really struggling in school this semester, and I'm afraid that I'm going to fail out. So I've been drinking and smoking a lot. It's a horrible way to deal with everything, I know. It's just that I couldn't seem to get myself to keep working and cope with everything in a better way. Lately, I had been feeling slightly better. I think it's because the weather is getting better. However, last week my boyfriend lost his job, and he's been stressed out about some other things as well. Last Saturday, we started fighting, and he almost left me. He did leave for about five minutes, and during that five minutes I made one small cut on my hip. I've haven't cut myself for almost a year because he said he'd leave me if I ever did it again. I know it hurts him more than it would hurt some people because when he was in the army he had to hold his friends brains in their heads at times. Anyway, I've had previous boyfriends and friends who have done everything they could to get me to stop cutting, and no one succeeded until my current boyfriend. He really has helped me so much. This morning he finally realized that the cut on my thigh wasn't an accident. At first he said he'd leave me, and I begged him not to leave. Then I tried to talk my way out of it. I told him about how I've been really depressed lately, and when I cut myself it was because I felt like I wanted to kill myself. Then he decided that if he left he'd call the police as well because he didn't want me to kill myself. I've been in mental hospitals twice before in my life, and they have been the worst experiences of my life. I even vowed to kill myself rather than go back to one of them, and I truly meant it for a while. I don't feel like getting into it, but it would destroy me, they have destroyed me. That didn't help. I decided then, but did not tell him of course, that for the time being my goal was to get him to stay, and then later break up with him on my own terms if I wanted to cut myself, so that he wouldn't call the police. I know I should still trust him, but I don't really now. I guess he didn't really have a choice, he would sort of have to call the police in that situation, but I know that he would and I don't trust the police or mental hospitals. In fact, I almost think that it was stupid to ever trust him. I hadn't really trusted anyone since I was a little kid. I thought he was different, and that I should take a chance and trust him, but I will just hurt him or he'll hurt me. Anyway, since I was really trying to get him to stay, I told him I'd even take out my facial piercings because he think that I have them in lieu of cutting. I shouldn't have offered that because I DO NOT WANT TO TAKE THEM OUT! They're all I have left to show that I'm different. I can't even dye my hair bright red anymore because we don't have the money. I prefer the piercings anyway. I told him that I had to study all day today, so I'd have to go to the piercing parlor another time, and he accepted that. Then a few hours later he took a nap, and I played a video game for about an hour while he did that. When he woke up he became very angry again. He said I lied to him about not having time to go to the piercer because I had time to play a game. He said I lied to him just like I lied to him last year when I said I'd never cut myself again, and that he didn't know how he could trust me anymore. He's right, I did lie to him today in order to get out of going to the hospital, and I did lie to him when I said I'd never cut again. Of course, at the time I meant what I said, and I really tried not to cut. He had to leave shortly after that. He didn't say he wasn't going to come back, but I don't know what's going to happen. I love him, but I don't trust him. I know he hasn't done anything all that untrustworthy, but I can't bring myself to trust him. I'm afraid to tell him anything about how I feel because I'm afraid he'll call the police or leave me. On top of worrying about our relationship, I'm terrified of what's going to happen at school. Thanks for reading all of this. I really do appreciate it. Any advice would be great!
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