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It's been a while
God it really has as well. A fair few months and now, relapse. Im slipping back into old habits and too quickly. Its all too easy, yet as hard as ever. It makes you feel so much better yet so **** all at the same times and those contradicting thoughts do nothing to ease the mindset and general feelings or rubbishness which are constantly going through my brain.
I think what upsets me the most is that i know exactly what im doing yet i do feel powerless to stop it, ok, not powerless, atm i dont want to stop it, and i dont like thinking that way. I know that probably sounds ridiculous 'i dont want to stop doing it, but im upset that im doing it again.' clearly i should just stop. But we all know its never that easy.
I had one person recently who i could probably have talked to about it and now im ****ed because for various reasons i cant talk to them, at least for now. And i really dont have anyone anymore that i can speak to, its ****ing hard sometimes, no, its beyond hard. I dont know why i do it to myself, and i say that because like i mentioned, i know exactly what im doing. Ive done it for so many years now how could i not be aware.
So many aspects of this whole 'problem' upsets me but during the times when i do turn to it, it is the only thing that helps. And when im not doing it, when ive been able to escape the overpowering clutches that drag you down i never feel right if i havent done it and im upset or angry or something. I never quite feel....satisfied, i spose is the best word. I hate that, i really do. I wish i could find something so less destructive to vent with but again, its never that easy.
I havent been on this site in forever, i do actually find it triggering sometimes and when im in a safe zone i try not to actively make things harder for myself, but then i do feel a bit cut off and should come back, be careful and try and offer advice. Id be rubbish atm with that tho, all my thoughts are so self consuming, i feel selfish but then, i should really try and sort me out before trying to help others, wheres that going to get anyone.
I just had to turn to something, to say a few things to someone or something somewhere, i felt i was drowning a bit. Im not really expecting replies i spose and i dont even know if i should have put this here but i needed to put something somewhere and this was the first thing i thought of.
Gone on, will stop
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