Carrie you are not a failure, I know you slipped up but on the whole you have had a very positive and productive day, and as I said earlier we are proud of you, well I am anyway xxx
I only have one bottle of wine yes, but I have a litre of vodka as well and well i dnt know about the vodka, but I will be drinking the wine.
I don't even know why it bothers me, yes I was pregnant, but I wasn't being responsible was I and I didn't even know what I wanted to do, hadn't made up my mind, I mean I love kids, but me a parent - are you joking? I can handle my neice and nephews in small doses, but I doubt I could do it all the time, so why the fuk am I upset anyway.
Sorry.
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
btw, it is perfectly understandable that you would be triggered re your pregnancy and miscarriage. It always affects people and you are no different hun. It must have been a terrible experience especially as you were uncertain etc, everything must have seemed so mixed up.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
It gets better, now eastenders is going on about gambling.
I wonder why I watch tv sometimes.
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
hey guys . so im down again i had 3 days of pretending not to be.. and im out of options.
my therapist is useless
my friends dont know what to do
my personal tutor is so out of her depth
i e-mailed the uni counsellors but its just gonna be conversation nothing to help
i nearly told my mum how bad i feel tonight.
im scared im gonna die. i wanna fight i want to get better.. but it seems so impossible.
hospital seems like the only option if i wanna live...
A tyrant spell has bound me And I cannot, cannot go
-
Emily Bronte
Eastenders combined gambling and baby stuff, as well as corrie being full of dying babies - oh what a fukkin great night of tv that was, fuk sake, talk about kicking someone when they are down. Im going to watch casualty now from saturday, what delights will it bring up, oh aye more dead kids, fukkin great - why am I addicted to tv thats gonnae keep triggering me.
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
Sarah, maybe talking to your mum would help? What have you got to losem the support could be invaulable?
If your feeling that bad, is there a crisis team you could phone, ebven go to a/e if you need the support hunni.
I'm online for a bit anyway, god knows how much use I am but I am here anyway okay xxx
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
tv programmes seem to do that they all play similar story lines just to make it harder.. i vote for watching the secret diary of a call girl.
there probably is a crisis team .. but i havent got a clue how to get hold of them. if i can sleep tonight i'll be fine.. i havent really got enough meds to od on - sucessfully - anyway . but i might try calling my useless therapist tomorrow and ask about the crisis team
A tyrant spell has bound me And I cannot, cannot go
-
Emily Bronte
Thats a good idea Sarah. Problem here is the crisis team operate between 9am and 11pm, outwith this time you are meant to phone breathign space or nhs 24. Pyschs in hosp asked me why I didnt do this alst week, I was like it was after 2 when I needed to talk to someone, when crisis team and breathing space are finished and she was like what about the samartians, and im like I phoned them once and never will again - so what about nhs 24, I said last time I phoned them they tried to get an ambulance out to the house, so again no....
My CPN better be about tomoz, I think I will crack if I cant speak to her tomoz, even if its just on the phone for 5 mins, surely I can get that much, considering she was ill when I was meant to see her last Tuesday, I feel so pathetic but I really need her right now, my pysch doesnt care, all he does is see me every 3 months and talk to me about football, hosp oyschs did that too, she was like asking me about footy, only think I talk postively about and even that is ***** at the moment, even though we are in a cup final in a few weeks, first proper cup final since I was 1, so itss so important to me, I sooo hope we win but you know, I am so exicted about that as an individual event but i couldn't care less about anything else.......
I've just cut annd it has made me feel a bit better temporarily,I dont have nothing to patch the cut up with besides plasters which wont do any good, but i really dont care anymore to be honest
Why spend all day fukking writing an essay, and when I am done I dont care no fukkin more, I dnt dukkin care you know and fuk fuk fuk it, my cpn whats she going to say, nothing she can say - but i need her.
Sorry. I have just fukkin had it now.
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
its alrite love.
i understand that whole why didnt u call such and such and samaritans and sane line both failed me so i dont trust them either.
i hope you get through to her :). and why do psych's do that... its liek their totally useless.. at least you have your cpn tho .
can u just try and keep it under control. wash it if u can that usually stems the bleeding eventually and will make it easier to plaster over .
you've done the essay now.. dont bully yourself for having done it. its really good that you did it.
.
i just told my friend iwas feeling awful and he' chosen tonight to be the one time to open up to me about his probems -which never happens - and so were talking about him and not me.. which is difficult right now when i need him... but the price i pay for offering to listen i guess... why doesnt anyone listen to me.. its just so feckin hard to keep fighting
A tyrant spell has bound me And I cannot, cannot go
-
Emily Bronte
I know, sometimes I feel I listen too much and never talk, be there for your friends, he will be there for you though - try to open up.
I don't think if I tried to speak there would be any words at the moment, so whats the point in calling anyone - not one iota.
I need my cpn now, which wont happen, im pathetic but I need her, I need her to talk to me. No point in covering up the cut, I just keep making it worse, maybe it will keep bleedin and that will be that.
Im sitting in tears, why is that? Why does my mood change so quickly?
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
maybe... i just feel like there isnt anyone there.. because well there isnt. not that understands or who can take it away.
i dont think that sounds overly sensible... making it worse will just be worse in the morning. do u rekon u can try to cover it up with something or put ur tools away or sit on your hands.. just give urself a rest hun,.. its obviously not helping
i'd like to know the answer to that as well ...
A tyrant spell has bound me And I cannot, cannot go
-
Emily Bronte
I just wanna hurt now, badly - Im sorry I aint much use to nobody the way I am atm
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
I'm a faulure at everything. I'm 24, never been able to hold down my uni degree or college, not because I am not clever as I got straight As in school, hot prospect, thats what they call you - all I ever wanted to do was write you know or be in the police. I decided when I was 17 to go to Uni and leave the polce till later. Now I am 24, bankrupt and no chance at even contemplating the police till I am at least 29, due to my fiancial situation.
I have no degree, so to my peers I look an absolute failure, this is particularly true considering I was bright at school, I could have done anything I wanted to medicine/law whatever, all I wanted to do was write, be a journalist and an author.
I am noe 24 and I have no acheivement to my name, none at all. These days I struggle with a simple 1000 word essay, that I could of done when I was 15. I am such a pathetic person now, a wreck of the person I used to be and I hate it.
I have friends I went to school with who are doctors, lawyers, teachers, vets, social workers and what the fuk am I - stuck in a bloody call handling team dealing with reactive maintenance for marks and spencers stores throughout the uk, do you think I wanna deal with **** every day and lift breakdowns. Work, I am offf work atm, I cant handle beinfg in there, and its not coz I cant do my job, I can do it with my eyes shut, its because it fukkin bores me and I know I could do so so so much more.
I am trying to right the wrongs now by doing open uni, the essay I did today was due in November, I submitted it 3 months late. It was only after some serious pleading with the OU that I had been ill n that, they let me submit it late, to still give me a chance, but I am telling you that esay was *****, I am going to fail.
I have done my best, I have but I am nothing. I always wanted to be an author like my idols: Rankin, King and even Rowling - I love books and I love reading, but more than anything I love to write, its my passion - I wanted to be a footy journo, few friends have made the grade, even females in this area - but me, I am a shadow of who I could be.
Why do I wanna hurt? I let that baby inside me die, it was my fault, I wasn't taking care of myself and ruined a babys life, because I am useless, they may be better off without me, but I feel really guilty.
I think I need stitches or steri-strips, but I content to bleed. Sorry.
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
Sorry, I'ven given up. Sorry everyone, hope your all okay xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
I hate this time of night, nobody to talk to and I need to talk to someone. Joys.
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
I'm here.
If you need it, I'm here.
(I'm Megan by the way :])
I can understand how you feel about losing a baby, I've been there too and it's probably the most painful thing I've experienced.
I hope you can feel safer soon.
x
