Triggering (SI) - telling people...too many people know!
i had to tell my husband about my cutting...i knew he was going to see/feel the cuts so i thought it would better to tell him before that happened and explain. and i confided in a friend. for a long time that was it. they let me deal in my own way. but then i freaked hubby out and started going to counceling.
i don't know if it was because i was feeling better, or wanting to feel better i started reaching out....i confessed to my women's group and to another very good friend or two. and part of me is glad that i did....i've gotten prayers that i've needed and a few of them are very supportive, i feel i can go to them whenever i'm having a bad day or urges. but it's almost like i tell someone and feel better, then i never mention it to that person again (and they never bring it up either)....and so i move on to someone else to tell.
for some reason i'm all paniced that too many people know (13!!!) . now i feel like some weird attention seeker. i'm trying to figure out why i'm still holding onto the SI and i'm all paranoid that maybe i really am doing this for attention? maybe i'm just a horrible needy person. ugh. part of me is scared that if i get better then no one will talk to me or care about me anymore, part of me wants to get worse they they will care more. i'm so insecure....i know that my friends and family care about me, but....i'm just so confused.
does ANYONE else feel this way or understand what i'm babbling about!?
I think I understand you, something similar happened to me recently as well, my head of year found out so had to tell all my teachers, then at the same time a lot of my friends found out, so in a matter of days it went from one good friend knowing to over 20 people and it really freaked me out. I thought they would think I was seeking attention as well, i'd always have people asking how I was feeling and I didn't know how to reply, it was exactly like you said I didn't want people to stop caring.
However you are not a horrible, needy person in any way. We all, in some form, need to feel loved, appreciated and cared for it helps you feel secure.
Try and see having all these people know not as a bad thing, you now have a huge support network, and there are many people you can turn to for help and support, and as you said if you are having a bad day there are people you can talk to.
I understand you a hell of a lot, when I first started telling people it would trigger me so much, I would think the exact same about myself as you do, that I'm a needy attention seeker etc...
I can relate to what is going through your head, what you are trying to get across, because I know the feelings when you feel like you've lost the control in a way? Is that how you feel? That now people know it's almost like you've given a secret part of you away and you just don't know how to feel about it?
(Sorry if it's nothing like that)
I don't really have any advice except that it does get a little easier overtime, and that you aren't an attention seeker or anything like that. You are a person who is finding things difficult.
Sorry this is no use, just know you certainly aren't alone. *Nods*
Take care of yourself. =]
~Beauty without intellence, is a materpiece painted on a napkin.~
I wouldn't feel too bad about it. Most people who know me also know i cut. I have been a cutter for over half my life and you reach a point where you just get tired of hiding it. I don't see it as attentionseeking at all but more as a means to come to terms with who you are and what you're stuggling with. I also believe that the more open you are about it, the eaiser it will be to eventually quit the self harm someday.
It's not attentionseeking to need support. It's draining to keep a secret for so long and at some point you're bound to want to get out of the closet. So to speak.
I understand completely. I am horrible at hiding it, so I feel like an attention seeker becuase a lot of people around me know. I mean, I told my boyfriend, and then hew told her sister, now the whole school knows.. Everyone says I did that on purpose...
thanks everyone for the encouragment and for letting me know that what i'm feeling isn't crazy. i've been thinking more about it and what i've come up with is that i'm looking for something....i tell someone my 'secret' in hopes that it will magically help me in some way, and i do feel better at first but then when things go back to feeling the same and i'm not getting what i thought would 'fix it' i look to someone else, hopeing that maybe the next person will have all the answers. i don't know. that's what i think i might be doing.
thanks everyone for the encouragment and for letting me know that what i'm feeling isn't crazy. i've been thinking more about it and what i've come up with is that i'm looking for something....i tell someone my 'secret' in hopes that it will magically help me in some way, and i do feel better at first but then when things go back to feeling the same and i'm not getting what i thought would 'fix it' i look to someone else, hopeing that maybe the next person will have all the answers. i don't know. that's what i think i might be doing.
i so wish there was an off button to this.
<3
I can empathise with that. I feel exactly the same, and I think I do the same thing too. = / *hugs* You're not alone, and you're definitely not doing it for the attention. If you were, you wouldn't even stop to question it.
oh non-believer, please believe me.
is there honestly nothing in this world
that keeps you living & breathing?
you're a ghost in your own
goddamn city.
Sweetie, please don't feel like an attention seeker, you're not. You've just reached out for support and help, which is a really brave thing to do! *hugs* I'm here if you need anything. <3
