Triggering (SI/Suicide) - Tomorrow is the date I've been counting down to
I had plans for tomorrow. It was a coping strategy a couple months ago. I wanted to die THEN. I couldn't stand another second, but I told myself that I would wait, give it time to get better. I picked a date. I survived by telling myself there were only x number of days left. That date happens to be tomorrow. I'm so so scared. I've been having panic attacks about this. I hate panic attacks, I frequently can't slow my breathing down until I pass out. Stupid. Stupid Nin. What are you scared of? Yourself? That's pathetic. You know you're not brave enough to actually do it anyway. Grow up. You're fine, stop being dramatic.
I hate you Nin. I'm gonna tear you down. I'm gonna hurt you in any way possible.
I'm so so sorry for taking up space on this board when there are so many people who deserve help much more than I do. I'm really sorry I'm saying this at all.
Sweetheart, don't be sorry for asking for support, I'm proud of you, its a very brave thing to do & I really hope we can help you, no one wants to lose you!
Whether you beleive it or not, you aren't stupid, pathetic or anything like it - You're actually stronger than you think.
Are you scared because you don't want to die? I think you need to get someone around you for tomorrow, to keep you safe, a friend?
You'll be alright sweetie , I used to plan to kill myself on certain days all the time. I did that because I wanted to die and I couldn't actually go through with it. I used to say I'm going to kill myself on "this" day and I'd never do it. Keep battling on you'll feel better one day (soon I hope). I used to have no hope but it's all eventually started working for me and I'm sure it will for you in time =)
it's good that you're scared (not the panic attack bit of course) because it should keep you with us. that these feelings haven't gone away with time is a sign that it'd be a really good idea to tell someone in real life how much you are struggling. you don't have to get through this alone and you don't have to go through with your plans. please reach out for help.
Everyone knows about this. A friend saw a journal entry I wrote about this a couple months ago, and told the wellness department at my old school as well as all my other friends. It became a rumor among my classmates. My school expelled because they decided I was unsafe and told my parents and my therapist my plans for today. My doctors all found out through the school or my parents.
My parents left me home alone today, and I don't really know who I could reach out to at this point.
I guess everyone was right not to worry about me, since I don't think I will do anything today. I know I was stupid to post this when I'm too scared to actually follow through. But it's a really scary place to be.
Dont feel stupid for posting, if you have things that are worried about and need help, then that is what this place is for.
Im not sure what to say though :/ but i guess you dont want to die because you said you have been panicing about today and are too scared. Thats good, it shows you want to be here. I think your scared of braking something that you told yourself you would do, you are also feeling like no body else has faith in you and its what is expected of you?? And also that people dont believe how you are feeling?? Please dont listen to the bad things, no body wants you to die, and i am sure people care about you.
It is hard for people who arent feeling the same way to understand just how bad we feel sometimes and how the thoughts we have are serious.
Are you feeling any better since you made the plan?? so that you feel like you cant go through with it...(which is a good thing)
I hope you dont hurt yourself x
Try to get someone to talk to like your therapist or any friends, if you are feeling really bad and need help. And of course the people on here.
Dont be ashamed of yourself for people not taking you seriously or helping you right now. Be proud of yourself, for not wanting to do it and for trying to reach out on here :) just be proud of you and look after you! Dont let what other people think get you down, think of how good it would fight it and get through it and prove them wrong maybe??
You should be proud of yourself, instead of saying, "Oh it's okay I've only got until X of X before I can kill myself" you can say, "It's been X amount of time since I decided I didn't want to kill myself" So everything is stil bad,and you still wish that sometimes you weren't around anymore. But you should be celebrating that suicide is just a fantasy as opposed to a possibility. This means that you've got a fighting chance of getting through whatever it is that you're struggling with because if you can't commit suicide, there's obviously something here that you want to stay alive for.
Thanks guys. I'm okay today because I don't feel that bad all the time. I'm bipolar and I got lucky with where my moods are this week. But it's still really hard, and I have no idea what I'm going to do tomorrow because tomorrow wasn't supposed to happen.
Oh, and I don't have a doctor/therapist at the moment. My mom got angry after they all told her I was bipolar, which she thinks is ridiculous. My Dad always thought psychology was a scam, but now both my parents do. I've asked over and over again to at least be allowed to talk to a therapist, but they won't let me & I don't know what to do about that. Also anyone I talk to just says EVERYTHING to my parents, and my parents are unhelpful to the point of hurting me with the information they get, so I hate that.
