Triggering (SI) - I just lost my best friend....forever
WARNING: This thread has 1 or 2 cuss words in it...
People say that they'll be your friend forever, but then they find out forever is a really long time and they get sick of you. I met my best friend in high school, we bumped into each other and I told her to "watch where she was going" and she called me a bitch, so i called her one back and we giggled. We were inseperable for 9 years, until a few months ago...
I had gotten in a really bad car accident with her in the backseat, I flipped a car at 120mph, and thankfully she wasn't hurt; but I was. I had some severe injuries and head trauma. Doctors said I might change a bit, of course I don't think I have. There's a lot of background information on this subject and I'm sure no one wants to read it all at once so I'll shorten it a bit.
I call her MJ, we got engaged around the same time, we were getting married a month apart, the first hurt was when she told me I wasn't her maid of honor <friends for 8 years>, the second hit was harder when she told me if I had pink highlights I couldn't be in the wedding at all. Well I told her I wasn't dying my hair for one day bc my wedding was fast approaching and she wanted my hair red <doesn't look good on me at all> So we stopped speaking...then we made up before the wedding.
A few weeks ago, she told me that she couldnt' stand it anymore, she told me all the things I've always been afraid of. She told me I was pathetic and worthless, useless, a bad friend, a horrible person and a liar. I was shocked and asked her why she would say such things about me, and she told me that all her other friends congratulated her for "taking out the trash".
I used to cut a lot and it was bad, I've passed out from blood loss a few times; but when I met MJ we shared the addiction and broke its hold over us...now that she's gone I don't knwo what to do. She keps telling me to move on and make new friends, how do you make a new best friend? I've tried reaching out to a girl called Amber but she never responds and she lives far away, my other friend is rarely around and isn't supportive at all. Even my husband is sick of hearing about this from me...Someone help please, I don't want to hurt myself anymore, but I can't stand the pain.
not to sure what to say i hope your ok. have ya spoke to your friend since your falling out. i know what its like to lose a good friend one of my old best mates moved away when he met his girlfriend havnt seen him since.
life moves forward not allways in the direction we want it to im sure you will meet others you will become close to and things will pick up.
if ya need me pm me
It sounds as though you are having a really **** time of it at the moment. Your right, 8 years is a very long time and naturally its going to be hard to find your feet and move on and find a new best friend but I promise you will get there eventually. There are 1000's of lovely people out there, some of whom would do anything for a best friend like you. You obviously cared for this girl one hell of a lot and ultimately she was the one that was being pathetic and she did let you down.
Feel free to PM me anytime that you like.
xxx
It is true that you may fool all of the people some of the time; you may even fool some of the people all of the time; but you cant fool all of the people all of the time - Abraham Lincoln
Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think - La Bruyere
Happiness depends more on the inward disposition of mind then on outward circumstances - Benjamin Franklin
have since spoken to her on facebook and she was very mean to me, I am afraid when I meet a new person and I'm unsure of what to say and how to stand, even sometimes how to laugh at a joke and I end up beating myself up over stupid stuff like "did I laugh too loud" or " will she call me back" "did she think I'm a moron" and it drives me so crazy I don't want to talk to anyone but I'm starving for someone to love and appreciate me for just being me. I'm a diverse person with a wide variety of hobbies and I think someone would like that. I'm ramblling and I know it...
Overall, I'm fine if my husbands around or if I'm with my family but when they have to go to work I get urges so strong I have to do something like a compulsive something to get my mind off of them and I'm running out of ideas very fast.
She told me that "her life is quiet now and she's sorry if I don't likenit but I'll have to deal" this isnt fIr everyone else I know has a best friend with cute pics all over their facebook and I'm kinda jealous.
If you need to talk drop me a message and ill give u my msn.
I lost my mate recently, a week today infact, slightly different, mine was in a crash and died, but ya know, i know how it feels to lose a mate so im happy to chat :)
x
I broke down last night and indulged myself in my timeless addiction, I feel weak and pathetic and I miss the friend that I lost and miss the way things used to be. I want her back in my life to hug me and smile at me and laugh at stupid jokes and let me cry on her shoulder when things are tough. Someone to talk about my intimate innermost feelings and share my thoughts with, I have been talking to her on Facebook for awhile. I'll upload my full story in my journal if anyone cares to read it, I feel so worthless and I can't believe that I slipped up after 3 years. All those days for nothing...
I cannot stop crying, or thinking about her, or talking to her on Facebook even though I know it'll just keep hurting me over and over again. I can't stop thinking about my next fix, and dreading how bad my relapse will be this time. I need help but cannot afford it so I'm here. I don't need MJ but she's all I've got as a friend goes. Someone help me please, make this all go away, let me wake up from this nightmare and have things go back to the way they were when we were in high school. Just the two of us, I'd keep my husband and everything else the same; but have our relationship untainted and perfect again.
I want to stay up for hours on end playing Killzone for PS2, and giggle at the horrific attempts at scary movies in the 80's-90's, I want to have the pictures on Facebook of the two of us going to the mall and trying on clothes that are silly, sunglasses that are too big, and funny looking hats...I want her to sit on the big oak tree that's growing out of the middle of he rmom's porch and talk while watching the sun go down.
I'll stop rambling, I'm sure by now I've lost most of you and if anyone's still reading they're probly agreeing with MJ about how stupid it is that I still love someone who hates me.
Things have only gotten worse...I msged her and asked her if we could fix this as I previously posted, and I asked for an apology. She told me all the stuff is true, i'm so torn up. I told her I was cutting again and she said I had serious problems and that if i was taking this so seriously I need more than just some website. I need more I NEED HER BACK! She helped me stop the first time, I want to stop hurting, I want to wake up and have everything be okay again.
I don't know why this hurts so bad, but i'ts driving me insane. I want to cut so I drink a glass of wine instead and then I cry to my husband who's at his wit's end and doens't know what to do for me. I WANT TO GET OUT OF THIS HELL, WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME!? IT'S NOT MY FAULT!
I'M SORRY I GOT IN THAT ACCIDENT, I'M SORRY MY MEMORY ISN'T THE SAME, I'M SORRY I HAVE SOCIAL PHOBIAS, I'M SORRY IF I HURT YOU, I'M SORRY I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT I SAID, I'M SORRY I'M HERE, I'M SORRY I WANT TO CUT, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY I'M SORRY!
Please forgive me and come back, I hate the pain of your absence and the knowing you're never coming back....
Hey Ren
Losing a friend, especially one you are really close with is so hard, I know.
It sounds like talking to her right now is hurting you more than anything, do you think?
Maybe you should leave it be for a bit, and try talking to her again in a little while, once things have settled down?
Try not to cut if you can, I know it's way easier said than done, but it won't end up helping in the end.
But good job on three years by the way, it's not for nothing at all.
You say you're alright when there's people around, maybe you could try going places, or doing things to fill up the time when they are working, so you could get your mind off her and cutting and everything that is hard.
Keeping talking, and I'm a pm away if you need someone to listen.
*hugs*
Some of us fall by the wayside
Some of us soar to the stars
Some of us sail through our troubles
And some have to live with the scars
I dont' think i'm going to talk to her again...I want to keep trying but it's useless...she's never coming back and it hurts, i wanna go back and change whatever i did wrong. i f*cked up somehow, maybe if i hadn't gotten in that wreck or gotten drunk that night...or a thousand other things. maybe is the one word that kills me.
it isn't really the same but i lost my best friend almost a year ago. She was the most important person in my life, we just understood each other. Basically she chose anorexia over me. I tried to help her but she hated talking about it, she just wanted to pretend it wasnt there when in reality she was killing herself. If i just asked how things were, a question where she could answer ok or not so good, she'd flip at me. Eventually we fell apart, i tried to save it but she wasnt the same person anymore, and i dont think she ever will be. i cried myself to sleep for such a long time. Not only had i lost her but she was getting worse and i had no right to intervene, she had noone to open up to, not that she would have any way. A few months later i found my current best friend. She quite literally saved my life. She is incredible, we actually talk about things worrying us and she is always there for me and i for her. I know nothing will be like what i had before but this is different and better for me. You will find another best friend, someone better suited for you and who won't ditch you for no good reason. You arent the one that ****ed up. these things cant last forever, nothing will be like what you and MJ had but who knows, you could find something better?
*hugs* I've had best friends leave me too, though not ones that i had known for quite as long. I think the worst part is when they won't tell you what you did! I do think you should probably avoid talking to her. If she isn't going to care about you and be clear about whatever problem there really is she's not worth it. I know it sucks though, I've tried to salvage friendships too and it's hard to let go. Maybe just try to be around other people, distract yourself, etc.
If she contacts you, make sure she knows that she needs to be clear about the problem (if there is one) without being hurtful. It sounds like for whatever reason she is mad, justified or not, and is refusing to be an adult and talk honestly about what's bothering her. So try not to beat yourself up. You're always going to find things you could've done better, but there's plenty of things she could've done better too.
