Triggering - The Tales Of a Broken Heart.

[Delirium.]

Let me start this off by telling you, this is just my story, nothing more and nothing less.It's not very long, but i hope you find it worth your while.


We start backwards, that is the lights flickering above my head as we're moved down the hallway. You are shouting something into my head, but i blocked you out long ago. We get so close to wearing thin. You're beginning to wear me thin keeping you in here. Everything is quiet, breezy and we're floating in a dream-like manner. You're whispering come back, but it's so nice here.

I awaken quite suddenly pain ripping through every pore, and then the chills start. Adrenaline. I am suddenly where you just were looking down at the heartless glare etched upon your face. A tiny screen that i can see, but no-one can see me..Where am i?

The clock tells me it's half past three, i snap awake from yet another nightmare. It seems they always end the same. Climb from my bed gripping the wall close drifting down into the darkness. It swallows me whole in one big bite.

You tell me this is what you want, I'm wrapped so tightly on your finger. A pool beneath my feet and I'm under drowning in your memory again.
Funny i would think of you.

"Del." *sighs* "Delirium...Del...Earth to.." I look at you and you swallow your words. I'm afraid I've frightened you again. I practice a smile and i look at the ground. "why don't you talk anymore?" you ask, so scared and confused.You tilt your head, i can only tell because of your shadow.
I wish i could tell you, tell anyone. But my throat kills the words long before they ever made it out. Then i realize your still talking, you tell me i'm getting to look like a zombie. That i need to talk so i can come back home. But maybe i like it here, for now.

Never thought I'd say that. Living on the inside isn't so bad, they give you decent meals, good classes, mostly nice people other then the stupid drama people. It keeps my mind at ease, because i know if i go home it'll never be the same.

Now i've probably lost you so i'll explain. I spent most of my life owned by the state. Locked in a treatment facility all because my best friend died.

They wouldn't let me go to the funeral thought I'd run. They were so wrong. So i was mute. The person i am talking to, is my twin sister. Her name is Ash, and I'm Del.

I should have started at the beginning. I am 20 years old, i have pale skin,dark eyes and black hair. I'm short, and a silly goth kid. I also hate labels, and I'm obviously hypocritical. Over-analytical. My sister is also 20, except she has blond hair, blue eyes, pale skin and shes taller then me and she loves to compete with me. She was also born 4 hours before me,and I'll never live it down.

We grew up separated, but we got together to hang out a lot. These days i never see her, she can no longer stand beside my bed. I understand, it must hurt a lot. To watch someone you love wither away.

Which brings me back, to the worst day of my life.

I had a lover when i was younger, i called her kay. I remember it like yesterday, she called me at 3AM she was upset. Told me she needed me,so i ran to her. I found her lying on the edge of the field where we always met, a sharp glint shining against the moonlight making the situation unreal. My vision swam for a moment,and i was on the outside looking in. She was pale, pale as death,with a crimson coat to take her from me. I lifted her in my arms and ran to the hospital. The doctors saw her right away. They came to me and said she wasn't going to make it, but i hardly heard over the static,and the pain. I sat beside her and wiped her brow. She tried to tell me I'm sorry. I told her it would be ok. That i loved her. And she went away.

Left nothing but a beep. The alarm disturbing my slumber. I look at the sunlight filtering in and wonder how many days it has been.The calendar is old and unused. I want to gather enough strength to sit, but I'm still half asleep.

On my 18th birthday i was diagnosed with a terminal heart condition, which frankly has made my life no fun at all. Most days the only thing i find myself doing is remembering. Where is my present? All i know is that i do not want to leave alone. Will I be alone after?

There is a white blinding pain shooting through my body,and i realize I've missed, my cigarette i throw into the ashtray and stare at the blister on my arm as it begins to form. Soon to add to the poetic scribblings of a teenager who couldn't feel anything. Little purple,pink and pearl scars dance across the surface just behind my minds eye, so faded and lost. It was good to see them go.

{{To Be continued...Possibly.}}

[Sage]

I'm speechless and at a loss for words. Your writing, is simply amazing. Thanks so much for sharing,

Sage

[DestroyMe]

"will I be alone after?"
no, no you won't I have the exact same fear as you Angel, dying cold and alone in a room where no one can hear me, but I can promise that YOU won't have to die alone.
and reading that, now I know why you don't talk about her much :(
I'd say I'm sorry, but I know that doesn't do any good when you've lost someone you loved dearly, as of course I simi-know how you feel.
this is rather good to tell the truth, you one-uped me again :p
I love you ^_^

[Delirium.]

{continued.}}

My days are long, and repetitive. It's truly enough to make even the sanest among us mad. Tonight I'm watching from my window, dark streaks of escape artists bolting deep into the trees. Car doors slam and radios echo in the falling footsteps. Dogs barking, three doors away someone is crying. Roommate is sound asleep, listening to some kind of pop music. Lights flashing and torn residents are returned to their rooms after an ambulance takes a few. But no-one will know, they tell us he fell. Whatever he says doesn't matter because he's schizophrenic, and the state owns you.

Morning again i decide a walk to ease my mind. I walk down the road to the trail that runs with the river. It's quiet about 5am. If you don't mind police with flashlights looking for avid drug users. I listen to the water crash over the dam. The canal's gentle whirlpool bubbling 25 feet below.

We were much younger then. When she first came to me. The girl no-one else could see. We swam in the current and jumped off the catwalk. 68 feet into the rocky waters beneath. I wonder if we all just got lucky. We watched the police pull a boy from the riptide last year.
Reasons why you should know your water. Poor kid drowned, only just a few yards from where we sit now. I look down the edge just a straight drop to the deep.

But you aren't plaguing me now, as i stand by the river on this early summer's day. They tell me walking is good for me. I take the dog for a run and return to the house. Return to chaos and silence.

When your sleeping no-one can hurt you. Because you don't feel a thing.

I spend most of my days dreaming. Laying alone in a tiny room with a million eyes staring at me. The young, tragic, timeless,and talented. A million eyes keeping me safe as i dream. The flickers of the TV and a random cartoon slip easily through as i lay my head back and stare.

Everything becomes unfocused and we think of something new. And we are somewhere new. Walking down a road skating in the streets, streetlights flashing by the moon brightening even the darkest shadows.Cars blaring horns and people's late night ramblings. Drunks pour out of lazy bars in a haze, tripping merrily away, all of their pain forgotten. Sitting in the park just watching the trees sigh in the wind.

When suddenly a bright light shines in my eyes. An officer asking me if i was high. I blink and ask the time. He lets me free and i go home. And get ready to sleep and dream again.

{to be continued, again.}

[DestroyMe]

I always have to stop and think, when I read these
I'm half expecting a "my life now" type of story (like the point in mine where I'm at)
so it confuses me a bit til I read farther, but none the less it's good ^_^

[Delirium.]

I spent most of my young life searching for something to prove to myself that i was real, that anything was real.
Searching for a meaning.
My heart ached in it's loneliness and i have recently filled my void.
My heart is now stitched and taped back together,crazy glue and rainbow paint and all is just as good as new. I wake up in the morning and she is the first to cross my mind.
Every afternoon i wait and know she'll soon be mine.

My favorite, eloquent doll. My dear sweet Sun[ni] you are my light.



{{Well see now we are at my life now. :p}}

I after many years of fighting myself, finally gave in.

I found something great there, kindness and love, compassion and hope. Things i had thought i lost long ago. I smile to myself whenever i think of being a shell, after all the shell has to have something inside it.

Nowadays i spend my time just trying to make people happy, of course not in a crazy literal I'll be your slave type happy but if i can make at least one person's day better my life is worthwhile.

I love to see people smile, and laugh. Even if they are laughing at me, at least they seem happy.

I am constantly thinking, my mind races and i spend most of my time just trying to learn something new so i can think of newer things. Repetition makes me fall back into my own world, so i like new things.

I am a slightly cracked,broken and injured ball of clumsiness. Truly not one of my better traits. But i am also hopelessly in love with life, and love and happiness.

At least on the outside. My insides are a rather turbulent place.Everything crashes around like tidal waves blown in from the sea.Locked tightly away where even i cannot see.

I realized these days that i have absolutely no social skills, and also that people live in bubbles. If i walked up to any random person, say at the mall and sat down and said hello, the chances of them responding are minimal. The chances of them responding rudely are relatively high, and the chances of them looking at me like i have a million heads and just climbed from the grave are nearly 100% accurate.

But I don't understand. It's the same with the ways people act nowadays. It is no longer kindness and love,passion or romance anyone looks for in reference to the dating scene.

Even i know the world has gone to **** and that's saying something.
People actually look for people who are hurtful, aggressive, abusive and dishonest. This does not make sense to me at all, first why a person would want to treat another so badly, and second why the person would want to put themselves intentionally into that situation. I suppose it's different for a masochist.

But anyways. I spent all the mistakes, and lost time growing and deciding who i wanted to be.

Now i am nothing more and nothing less then me.

I am 20 years old, i still have dark hair, dark eyes, i'm still short, and i'm sill a crazy goth kid.

But mostly
I'm happy.

[DestroyMe]

aw, made me blush ^_^
and it's taken me 19 and a half years of my life to figure out where I am, where I've been and where I want to go too, so don't feel bad.
we all learn from our mistakes though don't we :)
and social skills, don't worry I have none either, I can't hardly talk around people I haven't spent half my life with or talked to prior.
and I can't answer the love-less abusive relationship question, I have yet to figure that out myself and I've been in more then my fair share of bad relationships. :|
you are gunna write more, right??
this is too good to just stop here :p

[Delirium.]

The morning echoes a drifter's footsteps as they pass in the halls.
My arms encased in bandages as i leave the hospital again.

The days became hot, and everyone walks with exaggerated slowness.Sweat pouring off those who have been out too long and the sun baking us like cookies upon the jet black asphalt beneath my feet.

Cars whizz by and the passengers stare at us as we walk, of course it would appear that I am walking alone.This is not true however. You walk beside me an invisible tormentor following me as silent as my shadow, at least for now.

We arrive home and rest on the porch as i pick at the old scabs poking out from beneath the edge of my t-shirt. My brothers playing in the streets in front of the house and taking a break to consume their favourite kind of mind numbing Dr-g.

A fine cloud surrounds them and they disappear and i am back on the river watching the water drift beneath. My brother Alexander's face is on the waves today. I throw a rock and it splatters red bringing me back to the days when England was home.

I enter and Jayde and Alexander rise to greet me, they smile and we all walk to the main living quarters, a small barren room with three large chairs and a table. The walls covered in shelves of books, our library we called it. Though we had read everything there was to read.

It was only days after kendra's departure and i was still feeling weak, their sympathetic eyes rested on me as i stared at the familiar spines down the wall. Jayde pulls an old album down and sets it in my lap. I look up at her and see ash's face reflected back at mine, nearly perfectly minus a scar just above her left eye. I open the binder and Kendra's smile flashes back at me, i drop the book to the floor and rest my head in my hands. Hands, so like my own touch my cheek and i raise my head to see Alexander's perfect green eyes looking down at me he smiles and says "you're pain runs so deep little sister could you not even weep upon my shoulder?" I pull him down to me and wrap my arms about him and he cradles my head. "your pain is my pain and there isn't much room left to breathe." I look at his arms, stronger then my own but covered in the same patterns of faded crossed scars. He follows my gaze ad runs his fingertips along my own matching ones and he stops at one he doesn't recognize. "what's this then Del?" he puts his palm against it, one of the deep. I look weakly up at him, and jayde scoffs "you guys are weird" then she laughs and walks upstairs to hang with ash, who didn't come down when she heard me arrive.

The worry in his eyes frightens me, and he pulls my hoodie off of me to get a better look. Running his hands the length of my arms, from shoulders to wrists he pokes each one that doesn't match as he passes then he kneels by my feet and looks at every one. "Are these for kendra?" I nod and look back to her picture on the floor beside me, he stands and paces a moment then turns with a grin "lets burn the pain away then shall we?" He picks up he album full of old letters and pictures and he makes a pile in the floor. He beckons for me to sit and hands me a match "burn away the pain little one" I smile one last time at her face and light the pile ablaze. "She goes forever now?" i ask looking upon his upturned face "yes she goes now." I fiddle with the ring on my hand "this one i keep?" Alexander nods and we watch kendra's memories turn to ash. We stand and Alexander put s anecklace on me, an old silver ankh. "keep this for me always?" I smile and nod happily and we walk away from the ashes outside and through the trees.

I watch the river now, the ripples stretching across a ways. And i return on the night's cool path back to the porch to watch the streetlights come on for the eve.

[Delirium.]

"Alexander"i whisper his name as we lie in our beds, he peers at me his face perfectly mirroring my own and he smiles "what is it little one?" I gaze into his solid green eyes and then away to the window "Do you ever think there might be more out there for us?" Jayde turns in her bed and grumps sounding annoyed, Alexander chuckles under his breath and his eyes alight as he takes another look at my face "Yes of course Del, as long as you believe there is." I take in his words and he turns to rest "Del?" I glance at his back "Yes,Alex?" he shuffles a little bit "Do me a favor?" -"what's that?" i ask quietly "Don't ever cry for me ok?Promise me." I want to ask why but i don't "I promise brother." And we both rest peacefully.

I awaken alone, The bed next to me made and the room empty.I raise and make my bed carefully before descending the steps. I find Alexander in the kitchen reading an old journal with a magnifying glass he looks up to meet my gaze then back to the book."you shouldn't write so small i need a magnifying glass for this chicken scratch!" I dive over the table attempting to get my journal back and he puts his hand on my head and holds the book out of reach "Oh no no little one i'm not finished yet" He chuckles and i sit down next to him to watch "where are you in it?" i ask him. He glances at the book and looks reflective for a moment "I'm at the part where you first truly gave yourself to Kendra,mind body and soul." I felt my heart drop to my knees he looked at me "Del..hey don't leave" But he could see as well as i could that i was gone, somewhere deep beneath.

When i am inside there is nothing out there, i feel nothing, i see nothing, i hear nothing. Everything becomes an expanse of minutes that could be days,months, even years.

I Slowly rise to the surface, reality parting like liquid, the curtains are drawn and i am laying on my bed. Alexander must have carried me. The book lay open on the bed beside me, Nothing but a simple paragraph highlighted. I focus my energy from my mind to my arms and make them move and i pick up the book and hold it near my eyes.

"July 28th 2003"
"I thought to have waken in a dream,she lay beside me and our hearts beat as one.Breathing steady she opened her eyes clear and amber they sparkled back to reflect my face distorted.A single tear ran down her cheek and i wrapped her into my embrace to feel the whole of her. Small and frail she wound herself around my frame and spoke whispering so low only my ears could receive her message I love you, now and forever my dark angel my heart beats for you and you alone. I shed only a tear, and my heart,my soul and my body were hers to keep,Until the end of time."

I dropped the book unto the floor and tried to rise. Weak my knees gave out, and Alexander caught me mid fall. "whoa sparky you've been gone for days you know better then to move so fast." He set me back on the bed and ran out of the room and returned only moments later with a drink "Take this in, you need it." I drain it and i come instantly to tears he rests beside me on the bed and i run out of tears to cry. He holds my journal in one hand and closes it gently "This is yours to do as you will young one" I take the book and hide it somewhere where not even i may gaze upon it again.

"Remember little one you're destiny is to be great, do not follow your sorrow to the graves go and be everything you ever dreamed of and be everything our family could never be."-Alexander's last words to me.

Two weeks later Alexander ended his life staring down the barrel of a 9mm pistol with only one bullet. Forever leaving a rip in my soul. I only wish he could have listened to his own wise words.

I rouse from my memories and look about the room, the same million eyes of the young,the strong the intelligent and the talented still remain to watch me. I look into the mirror and Alexander's eyes stare back at me and i take him to rest. Eternally bound within me.

[Delirium.]

I think after Alexander left is about the time i broke. Truly let everything go. I let the world go.

When my sister Ash and i finally went to the states i was a train-wreck with no survivors. We were adopted into separate families and continued our stretch for a new life.

I spent most of my time locked away in my 'bat cave' so aptly named by my new mum. Where i spent alot of time reading ad studying all forms of religion, her least favourite being satanism.
I also spent most of my time memorizing every single song i heard,and collecting band gear, such as drum sticks and other suck random objects. Posters began to fill my space, and i painted my room a deep navy blue, not that you could tell with the blackout curtains. I remember one night being bored and running out of things to do so i decided to throw bright pink paintballs at the walls and watch them splatter leaving excellent effects behind.

With each day i grew more detached,and spent more time completly alone,for years and years.
And for many years the scars began to grow one by one. or hundreds at a time.Just to feel anything at all. But numbness was my shield and i gripped it well. I remember the first time anyone saw them. Went to take my blood pressure and exposed over 300 spanning from shoulder to wrist. I don't think i've ever seen one person look so scared. She instantly picked up the phone and they had me attend immediate counseling. My mum's cure for everything was "quit being stupid" and that's all she ever said about them. It seemed there was never a counselor who wanted me, i remember thinking it strange that i had to bounce around so much, from face to face. it made me hate change, and hate people all the more.

To this day i would choose to be alone locked in a room by myself, mostly because it was time i got to spend to think, though now i have a most amazing person in my life who i wouldn't mind if she came to sit beside me.

They told my mother i was autistic, and then schizophrenic after spending years in an asylum and never uttering a single word. At least not a word to anyone living, or anyone they could see.

At that point i decided that everyone i love dies, and so i chose to love no-one and nothing. Perhaps that is why i am still alive today.

[DestroyMe]

O_O
we had the same way of dealing with things...
wow
I like it <3

[Delirium.]

I notice i've opened my soul more, much more then i had originally anticipated. My walls nearly down, but i know to keep them up, but they wear so heavily on my mind sometimes, when my chest opens and my heart is taken my mind doesn't want to hide.

My memories close an empty book again, i've realized i can't let my ghosts take me away again.

And i think of you, and what its going to feel like when your in my arms at last...

[Delirium.]

"I love you" To dollie.

I want to hold her in my arms and feel complete,
i want to feel her hearts steady beat against my chest,
this loneliness inside of me is killing me so elegantly
i miss her so much that i can't sleep,
and when i do dream i know she's there with me,
and when the sun shines through my window and i roll out of bed,
i know I'm think of her and she's thinking of me,
and i hope everyday i can wake to her voice calling.

She means the world and more to me,
my heart weeps in happiness and I've never felt so free.
The ropes that caged me down no longer binding,
and i see that she is just the girl I've been waiting my whole life,
and to be just a single memory in hers,
and i know I'll be happy.

I can't wait for the morning when i press my lips to hers,
and we become one instead of two human beings,
and everywhere we turn will be a new path,
and by my side i know she'll stand,
It will make every breath easier.
I live for her,
And i wonder would she live for me?

The patterns of old hurt may we scatter to the sea,
and every time i think of her i see where I'm meant to be.
This must be reality,
or I've created my best dream yet.
Because girl you're everything to me.
Your my world and more, and my heart is yours
from now until i cease to breathe.

But only because I've run out of words,
You've left me speechless,
my heart skips a beat,
yours fills in where mine forgets,
because to be simple You Complete Me.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A new chapter to begin in my story soon. We will make it a happy ending, i swear this.

[crazykat]

Wow this is amazing

[DestroyMe]

I went to say "awww" but my throat closed on it so it made some sort of weird squeaky noise
I love you, you're beautifully amazing
<3
I don't have any words to express how I feel atm
you've rendered me speechless again

[risenfromperdition]

awwww you two are adorable ^_^

[Delirium.]

{{July 29th 2003}}
The sound of waves, quiet at first,
then louder and my head pulsates with the blinding white light as the waves crash harder and harder into the rocks. the foam spray leaves mist around my knees and it freezes me to the core.

I wake screaming with a mouthful of water.Just a bath i tell myself as i watch the water pour into the tub. I lean my head back against the wall and feel it wash away all the sickness from me.

I get dressed and call my friend, he's only a block down the street and i head out at door at half past three on what seems a normal enough evening.
The darkest hill has always scared me, i'd avoid it but i'm expected so i continue the walk in the darkness watching for the next streetlight at the bottom of the bend.

Someone jumps out at me, a face i recognize, a fist closes around my temple and my vision swims in and out of focus.Awakened with a sick crack as my back nails a tree. Heavy breathing and raw sweat smells fill my lungs as i choke past the blood and bile rising in my mouth 'don't hurt me' familiar laugh and he grabs tight onto my wrist and squeezes pulls away his hand to see it darkened from ripping open a newer cut, backhands me into another swirl 'you got blood on my hand bitch' a tone so unlike the one i'm used to. my arms tied to the tree, when did this happen but then i realize what's going on. I move and another fist lashes out at me i feel myself go limp barely uttering the words 'no..please..'
A zip and my stomach churns a hit to the stomach and i lost all i had to eat my wrists aching at the rope's grip my shirt torn and jeans missing I retch again only to receive the hardest of all the punches and the last thing i see is darkness, and a ripping pain from below.

When i come to,he is gone. my arms free but the rope remains im laying in the leaves and my best friend is calling my name.i want to yell for him but when i raise my head my vision swims my arm breaks a twig and i hear quick footfalls towards me.

I awaken fully dressed in his bed,his worried eyes scare me at first 'zack..what happened' he turns his eyes away and he begins to cry quietly "i should have come to meet you sooner" he says and i look into the mirror to see myself bleeding and battered my arms wrapped in new bandages "your wrists were rope burnt and i couldn't find your shirt" i look down to see one of his favourites placed lightly against me ad thats when i remembered the smells and the noises zack picks me up and brings me to the bathroom where i retch ntil there is nothing left inside of me. 'did he?' zack nods gravely and i dry heave again...

But zack and i never said anything.

When i finally came forward, they said i didn't have enough evidence to convict him. And because i was not the only one, and because the other victims and i were all friends they assumed conspiracy, even though the guy was already in for doing it to someone else in another town.

I missed the bus home one week, my friend did not. She got off and he was standing there he pinned her against the side holding a butterfly, he said he was looking for me.

He went back to prison for this stunt, and i thought for awhile i was free.

I went to my favourite hang out, like every friday just last summer. i looked over by the door and he was there waiting for me. "what'sup homie?" he said to me.
I froze on spot and just stared at him. Then turned and left and never went back.I left town ran away to somewhere i thought he'd never find me. Until today. He's coming for me.
{{march 28th,2010}}
I'm scared he will find me when everyone is working or at school and i'm here alone. If he doesn't come he still knows where i am and i'm ready to leave. So i might skip state.

But that's only..only if he doesn't kill me first, he said he was going to..he said so many things.

[crazykat]

Wow really good update

[risenfromperdition]

*squishes tight*

[DestroyMe]

I'm gunna PM you
because 95% of what I want to say about this things I want to do to that guy that did taht to you, are not very nice