|
Triggering (Suicide) - sigh. tired. of. everything.
it's getting bad again and i don't know what to do. i can't afford anything. i can't be happy. i've tried, all day now. i've tried changing my attitude for weeks - you know, optimistic, proactive, and everything just piles up MORE when i do that. i have no energy. they've upped my medicine, and i just have to wait for that to work now. i've spent 50 dollars on fruit, trying to eat healthy. it's just exhausting. i can't afford any of this. literally, i can't afford all this fruit (all the fruit you need to eat in a day to be healthy). they just upped my meds and i'm not adjusting well to the fact that i'm a slave to medication or i'll try to kill myself for the rest of my life.
and i feel like a useless guinea pig and my life just has to suck until they finally get the medication right -which it feels like they never will.
my body keeps growing. even though i'm doing everything i can (save not eating anything at all) to try and make it stop. the test for cushing's syndrome came back negative. i want to get more tests but i don't want to spend hundreds of dollars. and my parents, if they knew my last doctor told me to go on a diet (i've been dieting since i was 10) would probably just be like 'go on a diet!' and i'm so. tired. of. being. on. diets. i want to eat, for once. my body's too big. (no, medically, it's too big. way. too. big. always has been, and just keeepppps growing.)
even in my 'overeating' phase, i didn't seem to be eating anything different than others around me.
another prospective date cancelled on me. i haven't kissed anyone, much less anything else, since april. i haven't been extensively hugged either. i feel like i'm not worthy to be touched. or hugged. or loved. or...something. i mean, come the hell on! i'm 22, and still.....nothing.
a lot of crushes, a lot of almost-dates, even got raped once, and two hookups.
but still.
....
nothing.
22. will i have to wait until i'm 30?
if my overly disgusting (No....it is) body is what it is, well, i seem to be screwed. doing all i can, and all it does is go up!
i'm tired of this. i'm tired of the world. i'm tired of people, of human relationships being so fragile.
my parents are suffocating me. they're here, all the time. if they're not in denver, they're.....here...constantly...all the time....never leaving. when i moved back in my mom promised they'd be in denver half the time but now...they're in denver maybe 1-2 days out of 2 weeks? i mean, come on. i don't like my mom. years and years of emotional abuse and....i'm finally ready to say that i wait for the day she dies and i won't miss her a bit. (sorry. i just won't). so i really need a break from her. a long one. but i can't afford one.
i can't afford to leave. but i need a break.
i also can't afford to harm myself, because i don't have insurance.
i'm trying to get the reference letters together (3) that i need for the job i want. it's like herding sheep without a sheepdog. i'm wondering how many more months i'll be stuck at a fast food job which i seem incompetent in. not exactly a self-esteem booster.
i get like this, and it doesn't seem to be in my control, and all seems hopeless for hours at a time.
then i remember that i had a few writing projects to do. but for a day or so, it all seems hopeless. and it comes back, eventually. it gets better.
i'm so tired of trying. i'm tired of eventually. screw borderline personality disorder. i need a medication that actually WORKS but my psychiatrist seems impossible.
lamictal, lamictal...
it's not doing crap.
i'm tired. of life.
i have been for years now but especially now.
22 years. TOO LONG TO WAIT TO GET SOMEONE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU!
to lose weight. i've been dieting and being a good little girl and eating all the right foods since i was ten. seen several nutritionists and dieticians, all who were gung-ho dieters and severely limited my food intake anyway. i haven't been able to eat what i wanted since i was ten.
i've also been working out 1 hour per day.
for a while there, several (3 to 8) hours at a time without ANY calorie intake.
really? nothing? nothing's working?!?!!?
i'm tired of trying. so tired. can i just go away for a while?
|
