Triggering (SI) - Boyfriend/Girlfriend's reaction to SI...

Mystified · 10-08-2007, 07:13 AM

How did your boyfriend or girlfriend take it when you told them? Have you told them? And how did your past significant others take it? How long into the relationship did you wait to tell them? Did any of them break up with you over it?

dye on the rope · 10-08-2007, 12:56 PM

I've had mixed reactions from different boyfriends/ Guys I've seen.
The first guy i said he took it fine. But then dumped me the week after, you have to realize that at the age i was probably about 14/15 anyway so for me it really wasn't that much of a big deal.

I met someone through SI which was good, it was someone to rely on and ask/give advice to, but im not saying go find yourself someone else with mental health issues because it can **** up abit.

2 of my ex's knew about my scars, saw my scars but never asked.
one was very supportive, Reece, he knew when i was down and felt shitty he'd support me and take extra care in not saying anything i might find offensive. I think he actually looked it up onto the internet. i remember when i SI'd one time thinking he wouldn't see them/find them and obviously, doing relationship things he came across them one night and he cried. I think he was more hurt than me. obviously because i constantly felt numb at the time anyway.
The other ex, he mentioned them at the start of the relationship and i said "they're nothing" like most people do. and he didn't mention them again until we had our last argument before we split. he never judged me as such but i know he spoke about me to his other mates asking if it was "normal"

i don't think that made much sense *pulls face*

x
x

-jen- · 10-08-2007, 01:19 PM

ive known my fiance all my life but he didnt know about the SI until after we got together, he was upset that i was so low to get to that point and made me promise to talk to him about it rather than let it get to the point where i wanted to do it again. but he was very supportive.
I made a concious decision to stop with the SI and he has been very supportive of that.

Angel_Girl · 10-08-2007, 01:31 PM

My bf took it horribly. He made me choose between him and SI. And I chose him. So now I'm 3 years and 10 months cut free and still have a wonderful guy. Of course, it get's hard sometimes, even more cause I quit SI under pressure, but I do not intend to start ever again.

broken_up_inside · 10-08-2007, 03:33 PM

Ive had mixed reactions. My current boyfriend is handleing it really well and is being so supportive. I told him before i met him (long story of how we met) when i was drunk, by text, deary me. I thought he was majorly freaked out but it turns out i was over reacting as always. Im really lucky, hes trying really hard to understand and knows its not an issue of just stopping

An ex of mine really didnt handle it well though, he knew of my past with SI, and knew i had started again, but as soon as he saw fresh cuts rather then just scars he freaked out and ended it. He was a prick though, lol

guttergirl · 10-08-2007, 05:40 PM

so far my SI and mental health problems have ruined every realtionship i have been in,i think alot of people, esspecaily at this age jsut cant deal with facing things so scary and such huge responsability.this time i have found a guy who i cant shake off no matter how bad i get,hes been really great.we do have times where he cracks under the pressure of trying to deal with me hjaving an episode or SI very badly.but i think really honesty has got us along way,i hide nothing from him and it seems to help.still he has alot of health problems so i gues he has alot more understanding than most...

10-08-2007, 06:34 PM

ive had two relationships since i started self harming and surprisingly bother went pretty well. the first i was best friends with for cose to a year, including over time spent inpatient after suicide attempts so he always knew of my problems and he didnt seem bothered at all.

my current boyfriend (of 2 years) and i were set up via a blind date. i was so nervous i asked my friend who set it up to tell him i self harmed before we met and see if he still wanted to meet me. luckily for me he did. it was hard in the early days because he didnt really understand it and he thought i was activley trying to kill myself. i tried to explain as much as i could and got some material off the net for him to read. two years on hes great with it. he understand why i do it and realises i have to stop in my own time. although that doesnt stop him getting upset when i do it. he doesnt seem to even notice my scars anymore, which is amazing!

HazardxToxMyselfx3 · 10-08-2007, 07:17 PM

My first real boyfriend, I don't remember how he found out, but now that we're broken up he ignores it.
It's how he deals with everything. He used to tell me that I shouldn't do it and now if I told him that he'd be like... yea... *changes subject*
My first high school boyfriend was calm about it.
His ex girlfriend was starting rumors about me and him [she told people he raped me] so I stupidly cut in school
And I showed him and we started crying, and he was really supportive about it.

Queen Crabbit · 10-08-2007, 08:09 PM

I met my boyfriend on a site like this.

So, like, he already knew.

Vampiric Addiction · 10-08-2007, 08:19 PM

When I was with my ex bf, I wasnt SIing at the time, but I was concerned I might be pulled into it again or worse than I was before [i only used to scratch or dig my nails in, never fully cut] - i confided that in him and he said he'd dump me and threatened to rub oven cleaner in the wounds if I dared to do it. :(
It made me freak out something rotton when I did do mild SI.

Recently I was somewhat involved with my ex gf, and she really worried about me but didnt flip out... her own creepy bloodlust got in the way of that a bit too though... which was crap when what i needed was support.

Alcohol Induced Altruism · 10-08-2007, 09:00 PM

My current boyfriend knew from our first date because he saw some small scars and asked about them, I just shrugged and he ended up saying he wouldn't ask. After we became closer, and he saw (obviously) more scars and in the end he asked me because some were quite knew, I eventually told him the truth.

He said that he worrys about me, and wants me to stop, but he's nice about it. He doesn't really understand at all, he knew other self harmers but from what he's said they all had bad home lives etc and so he could see a reason for them to self harm and be unhappy. I guess I look happy and I clearly have a comfortable life and he doesn't understand why I'd self injure. It makes me feel really guilty actually.

But yes, he's lovley. We're pretty young [15] so I was so supprised he was so... nice ... about everything.

I suppose self harm is quite common these days. I know some of my friends boyfriends have self harmed and they said they didn't think twice about finding random batches of scars/whatever because they expected it almost - either because of how they acted or because of the subculture they belonged to.

I know I find it hard to comprehend why self harm would be something to worry about in a partner though, which makes things confusing. Since I've self harmed for about 4 years now, and have a lot of self harming/depressed friends, and pretty much everyone knows and has forgotten about it and I guess I can't remember how worrying people find it.

Mystified · 10-08-2007, 11:02 PM

Yeah. My first boyfriend had self-harmed too, but I still felt awkward telling him. He actually figured it out and asked me before I even had to say anything. And then he never said anything about it again, except for some comments about me wearing long sleeves when it's really hot out.

Gizzy · 11-08-2007, 12:16 AM

My last girlfriend knew before we actually got together. Although she used to cringe at my scars, and cry if she thought I was gonna SI. Ugh.

LD50 · 12-08-2007, 12:43 AM

All the girls I have ever dated were/are SIers, but in every case I didn't find out or even suspect it until some time after I started dating them. So the usual reaction I get from a girl when I tell her about my SI is that she tells me about her SI. I don't know what that's about... Some coincidences, huh?

Comely · 12-08-2007, 03:36 AM

The onyl girl that I've been intimate with(yes,I'm a girl too....it's okay) has an ED,and has also SIed before. When I told her,she wasn't happy about it,but she wasn't angry and she understood. The first time she saw them,she just put her fingers over them and said,"oh....(my name)..." and I covered them back up. She worries,but she knows she can't force me to stop.She just lets me talk to her about it,and she talks to me when I have urges.She's good about it.

That's the only reaction I've seen. She's the only person who has actually seen them.

cutupangel09 · 12-08-2007, 04:30 AM

I have told three different boyfriends/significant other.
1. Didn't care and didn't try to stop me (that is just a little heartless in my opinion
2. Bullshitted me, cheated on me after he found out and would start yelling at me if I had cut
3. Understands and supports me. He's been with me for 7 months and has fought it will me. He knew I cut before we started dating.

black_vortex · 12-08-2007, 09:33 AM

My boyfriend was a friend beforehand, and i had told him. So he was already aware, so he fell for me knowing about all my problems. And while sure, dealing with me can be a pain (he's said as much), he supports me wonderfully. I think it has a lot to do with, i only went into this relationship becuase i was sure. I pick my friends etc very carefully, i've never made a mistake. So im very serious. But if a *close* friend or someone couldnt accept these issues i have, then screw them, they arent good enough for me. I put up with them bitching about their (frequently changing) boyfriends, they should damn well support me.

I think, honesty straight up is important. It gives them a chance to leave, because not everyone can deal with it. But if they leave,you havent lost anything. And if you feel you have to lie, or cant talk about it, whats the point in having a relationship?

While i'm clean, my urges and severe depression makes it hard on my boy. I asked him what he would change about me if he could, and he said he'd want me to feel better in general and about myself.

Every relationships has issues, whether it be issues about parents, mental health, family disagreements, medical things etc. Ours is just different, but we should treat it the same. If you cant work past it, or have to lie, its really not a happy healthy place to be.

Douglass · 12-08-2007, 09:53 AM

my first boyfriend was an SIer too. that was an interesting relationship to say the least. We knew how much the other felt like they needed to SI though at the same time also knew the emotional pain the other one was feeling to make them want to cut so hating seeing the other one with fresh cuts. It was utter chaos just trying to stay alive, grabbing razors out of each others hands and bandaging up the others cuts. Eventually he managed to stop after about a year with the odd relapse and it would annoy him when I tried and failed at stopping saying it was too hard as he said he could do it so I should be able to.

second boyfriend got annoyed by it as he always believed you should think positive and would just encourage me to talk to him about anything, so generally supportive, though did nto really understand about SI.

third boyfriend thought my scars were beautiful, he had a pain fetish so used to do small cuts to himself for pleasure, he understood and did not think I was wierd that I also have cut for pleasure. Though I never really went into much about how I cut when depressed for punishment.

The boy I am on the verge of going out with now was with me at a BBQ last night and was absent mindedly stroking my arm and I asked them if they bothered him and he said no and said we could talk abit more about it later.

Though in all fairness, I always have my arms on show anyways as I hate covering up, makes me feel ashamed. So any possible boyfriend already knows about my SI before anything happens which makes it alot easier

jessye · 12-08-2007, 01:04 PM

Umm sort of mixed but generally ok with it.
First took it in his stride. I quit while I was with him but then started burning and bruising and got really ill and had to break up with him when it all got too much.

Second understood as he had done it before but not to the extent I do. He said he didn't mind my scars. Even liked my worse one. He used to stroke it. Although he totally acted ridiculously when I cut one time. Started sulking, was really childish. He was a complete asshole anyway

Beautifully Broken · 12-08-2007, 03:28 PM

I told one of my ex's a few years ago when I started seeing him that I self harmed. He wasn't happy about the fact that I was hurting myself so made me promise that I wouldn't do it anymore. I said I would stop thinking I could do it and I was wrong. A month after I made the promise, I slipped up and told him. That was the end of our relationship.

Other ex's haven't been too bad about the fact that I self harm. They, of course, wern't happy about me doing it and believed that I was stronger than I thought, but I guess in the end it was too much for them to take because now I'm single.

Nic
xxx