My OCD is killing me. It will kill me soon. I can't take much more. I feel like its taking over my life. Its in my head, and it wont let go. Its like a demon who has possessed me. I can't seem to shake it off. I can't seem to get rid. I just want to be able to live normally without feeling dirty and disgusting. I want to be able to get in the bath twice a day not ****ing 7-11 times. I want to be able to feel clean. I want to be able to not have to shave everytime I get in the bath.
I want to live my life without the horrible thoughts in my head. The thoughts, the voice telling me to be colour co-ordinated, to shave, to GET A ****ING WASH!. But I'm not clean. I have so many germs on me. I have to get them off. They are all over. ALL OVER! I need to scrub myself clean. I need to, i need to.
I'm so so tired. I'm fed up with my life at the moment. All I do is cut, to wash myself of my sins, and my dirtyness. I cut about 3 times a day, 7 days a week. I hurt myself because I deserve it. I bang my head off walls to get the voices and thoughts to stop. I want to die, I can actually say for the first time in my life, i really want to end it. Im scared. Im tired and I'm lonely.
thank you, Lily, for saving mummy's life*.
You are my one and only, you can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight, and you'll be alright.
Hey - it sounds like you're very stressed right now. Is there anything else going on in your life? I know this past week during finals I got some obsessive behaviors which I haven't had in a long time (excessive use of antibacterial gel, not able to go to the bathroom with others in there, etc etc). So I know that outside stress can make things worse.
Do you have any supports? A therapist or counselor?
In terms of wanting to kill yourself, I don't believe you really want to die - you just want to end the torment that your mind inflicts on you.
It sounds like something is triggering this though - you refer to your "dirtyness" that is a key problem I see, I really think it needs to be discussed with a professional and "investigated".
I'm sorry that you're feeling this way, I am. Please tell me if there's anything I can do.
Babe, it isn't your life, it may be a part of you, inside your brain, but it isn't your life, or you, it's just a disorder, a DISORDER, you're life is not a disorder, it is very stressful right now because of this disorder though, but that can be helped and coped with.
Can you ask your doctor what can happen for now? You sound like you need a lot of support with this... I'm worried for you.
i can relate to that so so much! my OCD is about harming myself, needing to harm myself to prevent something bad happening to others bt i can still relate A LOT to the things you have written about. my OCD takes over my life too..
take care x
