Support For Dave (bleedingdragon)

[bleedingdragon]

Nathan ,
Thank you for replying to my thread i appreciate all your words, i will reply to you as soon as my heads straight .

I will post an update as soon as i can to

Dave

[airwolf282]

Dave,

I hope you're doing ok.......I believe in you and I know you can beat S/H and rebuild your self esteem that your ex took away. You will be stronger, I know you will........you must have been really strong anyway to go through what you have been through. I know I wouldn't have made it out alive so you're much stronger than I am. Please take care and if you feel like venting/yelling about your frustrations or just talking about anything you can just email me and I will always listen. You have been there for me and offered me support even when you weren't well so I'm always willing to return the favour. Keep fighting Dave and stay safe!

Nathan

[bleedingdragon]

I hope you are doing ok Nathan and things are getting easier for you,


Im not doin ok just now im screwed up, really screwed up and tired but im surviving Nathan, saw my Dr on Wednesday she was supportive and concerned at the way my psych treated me and what he said to me . She gave me some hope by saying “ well theres more than one psychiatrist working in the comm Mental health team . Shes even said she will write to the PCT which is the top the Primary Care Trust on my behalf , god im holding onto that but I seriously doubt I will get anywhere.

I don’t know how many more times I can keep doing this .

My Dr has told me that because my psychiatrist ended my support and dropped me from psychological therapies services . I have now been cut out of the support system and im alone AGAIN ive been put right back to the beginning AGAIN.

Screams

Cries……its taken me 8 months of hell to get to the place I was at with seeing a psychiatrist and beginning to actually get therapy , now because of my psych
Refusing to give me any further therapy and Telling me I will never see a psychiatrist again especially not him its messed my head up . Hes pushed me right back to bottom of the waiting list , and it’s a hell of a long waiting list it might be more than 8 months I dred to find out .

Im gona be right at the bloody beginning. My Dr cant get me a therapist or the treatments I need directly she has to refer me to the community mental health team . I feel like such a bad person they will have knowledge of me not getting on with members of the community mental health team I will be treated like a trouble maker and a bad person especially if they find out what my psych has assessed me with the Borderline Personality Disorder L .

Im sick and tired of being treated like a bad person a troublemaker all im doing is asking for what I believe I deserve . I feel like my psychiatrist is distancing himself from me because of his assessment of my Borderline Personality Disorder …..i could scream .

Once the CMHT get in touch with me and HELL knows when that will be
They will do an assessment Arhhhh ive already had a bloody assessment if they stick me with a community mental health nurse to go round and round in circles again . Im gona really give up soon im so bloody tired of this and sick of being messed about I don’t know how much longer I can do this ……………

What im scared of is its up to the CMHT to assess if I need a psych or psychologist or not im scared they will not let me see a psych and get the CBT or DBT treatments I need.


Thanks Nathan for replying to my thread, and for believing in me because I don’t believe in myself im more screwed up than I realise but it means a lot that you believe in me. And especially that you believe I can beat my self harm L and get back my self esteem I just feel dead inside . Thanks for saying how strong ive been I cant believe myself how strong ive been I never wanted to be that strong my stuff will torment me for a long time to come. I hear you about you saying you wouldn’t have survived it I know you are strong too mate .

I just don’t know what the hell to do right now im supposed to be writing a letter of complaint to the NHS that will take me long enough my hearts just not in it right now L , the advocacy group said they will look over the letter and help me with it before I send it. Nothing seems important right now everything is blurred . I don’t believe the letter of complaint will get anywhere but I have to try. Why is everything so bloody hard ……………

Im trying to stay safe mate im still self harming trying not to let it get really bad, im holding on to seing my dr in 2 weeks from now. If I need to see her urgently inbetween I can .

Dave

[crazykat]

Hi Dave,
Sorry things are so difficult for you at the moment. I know you said you screwed up but I can also see you really trying and that counts for something. We all have times when we screw up, so don't beat yourself up over it. As long as you keep getting up after you fall, you are doing good.

I am glad that at least your doctor is supportive of you, it sounds like that pysch was a bit of an arse. I really hope that your doctor is able to get somewhere and get you the support that you truly deserve.

I know its hard to keep going but you can do this. You are stronger than I think you realise, I believe in you. Don't let anyone stop you from getting the help you deserve. Good luck with writing the letter and seeing your doctor.

Here if I can ever do anything, just let me know. Take care
Kat xxxx

[bleedingdragon]

could be " Triggering self harm depression "
















I dont know why i bother life is just becoming unbarable ......

In order for my Dr to move forward and try and help me she wants to see a report or assesment from my psychiatrist .... its been 3 weeks since i saw my psych and nothing no report, he doeesnt care . So i rang them up and asked the question will i get a report or not, the psychiatrist and his secretary are on holiday till tuesday 18th aug the secretary should get in touch with me to say yes i will get a report or no i wont.

If my Dr gets this report she can try and move forward although i dont have much hope,all she can do is refer me back to the CMHT and i hope tell them i need further therapy like CBT, DBT to help me move on . Iif she doesnt get my psychs report she could use the art therapists final report instead.

Im sick of this round and round in circles crap, my Dr said what is it that you want from me dave . I said well ive still got issues that i cant resolve on my own, no one seems to want to help me anymore ,that my antidepressants havent resolved my issues but theyve helped stabalize me more ,or my art therapy has helped but not resolved my abusive past . Both the art therapist and my psych know i need more than the standard 20 sessions but wont give me any further therapy CBT, DBT because its simply not available on the NHS.

I understand that some people would rather run screaming the other way than actually try and comprehend or face up to what its like for me they dont want to accept the psychological damage ive got because it scares them they dont want to aknowledge what would they do in my place, that they also would be screwed up and trapped.

arhh well your damn lucky youve never been thru a traumatic experience like me i didnt ask to be screwed up i didnt ask to be repeatedly traumatised and emotionally , mentally scarred and still be depressed.


Just been speaking to my mum wish i hadnt.............
just tried to tell her how my progress is going,
shes here till the end of the month, well dont worry mum i will never speak of it again not even to just update you on my progress anymore.
I know that parents are ment to understand , but often they dont well my parents Dont , Wont understand me or my issues.

Why is there such a big divide between us, those of us who struggle with depression, anxiety, past abuse and those who have never been thru what we have such as our parents, friends and the damn professionals.

Im already feeling like an outsider, a leper, in limbo and my mum has again just re inforced those feelings of its all my fault im to blame for the way i still feel. " i must be behaving badly, why else have i had these disagreements with the professionals. my psych says ive symptoms of borderline , but ive done nothing other than stand up for myself , and got no where.

my mum says Why cant you be happy for a while dave?.

Er dont you think im trying i am still depressed you know and i have issues that still havent been resolved. You dont really understand do you mum what ive been through a living hell, no sooner do i say this than she goes defensive " i cant talk about this dave " .

I know you cant you dont want to face it do you? well how do you think i feel mum i have to face it i have to confront it, live with it day in day out . Can you imagine what its like mum living through HELL in an abusive relationship im damaged inside by the things she did to herself and to me.

Normal treatments arnt enough to help me , my Dr agreed with me that meds like antidepressants only work so far they lower your anxiety and ballance out your emotions to make you more stable. Well they have done that with me but im still depressed and my Dr says she agrees i need more therapies to help my abusive past . And was discusted at the way my psych treated me.

All im looking for is a therapy like CBT, DBT why the hell cant i get it just because ive been treated badly by 2 CMHT Nurses and two psychiatrists im being blamed for not getting on with them and being a bad person.

Im not making this up why cant i get the treatments ? the NHS is underfunded and probably doesnt have the therapies available to give people, they could be short staffed. Well yes but if thats so why the hell are the professionals like psychiatrists accepting patients like me, reviewing me and suggesting treatments like art therapy, mens group therapy or CBT and then slapping me in the face by saying your not gona get any further therapy, or ever see the psychological therapies service again if you get refurred back or see me ever again. If he knew he hadnt got the treatments he shouldnt be assessing people and giving them false hope.
Infact i dont know why hes doing his job ............................


Thats what they want me to do anyway give up, walk away get out of their hair one more problem that they dont have to deal with. I mean if im behaving badly then ok but i honestly dont think ive behaved badly, or agressivly ive got angry but never ubusive .

i feel such a bloody troublemaker, such a bad person for still being depressed yer its my fault ....................................

I give up................................................ .......

i wish to god you professionals would just take my place for half an hour , one day and live in my shoes with this crap .....then youd bloody understand.........then youd be crying out for support and help with therapy. Why cant you understand what its like living with this, living through this.

I just want to scream............and scream................and scream
forever.

I give up

[earthbound_misfit]

please dont give up...
I dont know what else to say, apart from I totally understand and have been thru the same crap from the MH people. Especially being made to feel like a troublemaker, when all you want is help... and theyd never treat someone with a physical illness the same way.
What county do you live in? Is it worth making a fuss to ur local MP? I know you probably dont feel you've got the strength atm, but some places in britain do treat our problems, its just so unfair that some dont... (I was in same position but was lucky enough to be in one of the 11 pilot places for pd treatment)
hugs hunny, you are worth more than their crappyness
beth x

[bleedingdragon]

Beth,
Sorry about the late reply ,

Its very supportive of you, im trying not to give up i keep holding onto the hope my Dr can get me therapy, or the hope PALS ( Patient Advice and Liaison Services ) can help me get therapy.

What you have said to me means alot , and i know you understand, your right they would never treat someone with a physical illnesss the same way ive been treated.

I live in Lancashire in a seaside town apparently covered by the Lancashire Care NHS Trust, Hmm i dont know maybe its worth a go with the local MP its wether i have the strength to do that as i can see this NHS complaint being dragged out , im gona really try and keep going. I just get lost and find things too hard and start running in my mind again.

Your right there are places in britain that treat our problems why so few its crippling to ask for therapy when youve been told you need it to then be refused. Going private i dont think i could afford that .

Thanks for your support and caring and your Hugs

Dave
x

[~JellyBaby~]

Hello Dave,
I'm really sorry I haven't been around lately, it's been really hard for me to be around RYL, but finally I'm through it and free, and now I've come back to check up on lovely RYL friends.

I've read your recen posts and despite everything I hope you're still hanging in there, still fighting on, you can beat this, you've always been such a strong person and I know you can come through this, you can beat your demons, and your memories, and the failing mental health support system, you can beat it all, just keep fighting on.

Have you or your doctor received any report from the psychiatrist yet? I ask it as a question but if the answer were anything other than yes I'd be thoroughly appalled at the practice of said psychiatrist. I really hope you've now received a report, or you're at least able to use your art therapist's final report and you're moving forward through the system.

It's obvious to us all that you want and need further help with resolving the issues in your past and present, and that the flaws in the health system are preventing you getting the treatment you need. Having dealt with the roundabout ways of the NHS with my health for years now, I understand how incredibly frustrating and upsetting it is to not be able to access the help that you need. Thankfully, my health is now on the up, because I finally got through to the parts of the system I needed, and I hope that soon the same will happen for you. If I can offer one piece of advice, it's "don't stop". Keep going back to the doctors again and again and again, nag constantly, call anyone you can think of, and keep doing it, until they take notice. I don't know if it will work for you, but it worked for me.

You're right to understand this situation from everyone elses side Dave, as well as your own, it shows the good person that you are, but your side must take priority, you are the one needing help. Despite the fact that these people are suppost to be professionals, I suppose it could be uncomfortable for them, but that should not matter, you're asking for help, and they should be giving it, it's their job. Like you said, it's not your fault you have these problems, and they should know that and ge on with giving you the help and treament you need.

It must be hard when your parents don't understand what you're going through, I really feel for you. You must understand that you are in no way to blame for feeling like this and your parents should try to understand that it's not like a switch you can turn on and off, that you need help to stop feeling this way, that you can't just "be happy for a while". We know you'd dearly love to feel happy for a while, and that you're doing all you can to help yourself get to that point.

You've been dealt a really rough hand with your health professional, and I'm terribly sorry to hear that the only people who have listened, your doctor and your art therapist, don't seem to be able to get anywhere with better treatment for you. Unfortunately availability of treatment is a bit of a postcode lottery, and it really shouldn't be, but at the moment, with a lack of funding that's the way things are. I know it's a drastic step, but if you get to the point where you can't wait any longer, could you consider moving and renting somewhere in an area known for it's mental health facilities? I wouldn't think of such a change if you didn't sound so sick of it all, but you really do sound at the end of you tether.

You musn't feel like a troublemaker hun, nobody gets anywhere with the NHS unless they keep going back repeatedly, as long as you aren't abusive, (which I can never imagine you being) there's nothing wrong with being persistent.

Please Dave, don't give up, so many people love you, and you can beat this, you are strong enough, keep battling on, I'm sure things will look up soon.

Much love,
xxxx

[bleedingdragon]

Amy,
Thank you for your post and everything youve said, please no need to appologise for not being around RYL. I really do understand and so do many others that youve had to take a break from RYL . Im so happy for you for finally getting through and becoming self harm free you give hope to others that they too can overcome their obstacles. Its great that you are able to return to check up on your friends.

Thank you amy for taking the time to read my recent posts, and for now i am still hanging in there its been dificult standing up for myself so many times and complaining to the NHS. Thank you for saying ive allways been a strong person and for allways beliving in me, hm i certainly have plenty of demons to battle im struggling abit right now being a strong person is often a two edged sword .

Yes finally my dr got the report from my psychiatrist after some chasing by me , i have to say my recent dr has been so supportive, caring and patient with me . I couldnt have got to where i am right now if it wasnt for her and some amazing people from here . I cant believe that i have seen 4 psychiatrists so far and i will be seing a 5th one in january 2010 .


Again thank you for being so supportive and saying its clear to you and many others here that i want and need further help from the NHS. I am scared that i wont resolve all my past and present issues they overpower me at times and scare me but now that i have some more hope who knows.

There are many flaws in the NHS alot of them ive experienced myself because ive been through the system like yourself amy a few times now. One serious issue is most if not all NHS authoraties have been told that they have only two choices one being only treat 100 patients in a year and give each patient only 20 sessions and then end their treatment which is ridiculous . This choice to treat 100 people with only 20 sessions is the one they are told to do . The second choice is to treat only around 20 patients in the year and give them more than the 20 sessions these patients being those with more serious mental health issues than the average person.

Ive been repeatedly dropped by them like a large group of patients who need more than the 20 sessions we have been repeatedly refused long term treatment which is soul destroying .

Since putting my complaint in to the NHS about my bad treatment by my recent psychiatrist and also being told i need more than 20 sessions and i could have further therapy to then be refused it . The NHS have now said they will be changing the way they deal with us and more people should could receive the ammount of sessions they deserve. I was put back into the que to see the CMHT again thank god.

I was assessed as having symptoms of borderline personality disorder which has messed me up alot its so hard to cope , i am struggling but ive also been put forward for therapy its called " mentalisation " . The trouble is i have to go for another assessment to see if i fit their bloddy criteria for mentalisation therapy.

I had my appointment yesterday it was bloody hard im getting tired of going through all this and being assessed so much i wont know until after christmas if i fit their criteria im really scared right now if i will get it, scared that i wont get through it. Having an assessment of borderline personality disorder is really hard for me ive had a few people ignore me since that assessment.

You have been an insperation to me and many others amy for everything youve had to deal with youve battled so much and shown amazing strength and will power to overcome your many obstacles.

Im so pleased that your health is now on the up , you deserve this chance to create a new and happier life for yourself i want to thank you for creating this wonderful support thread for me and allways being here for me .

Im hoping and praying i can continue to get through to the right support and treatments i deserve.

Amy its really kind of you to say how much i understand the situation from everyone elses side, and your right to say its important that i need to make my own situation a priority first before i can help others.

I will never be able to fully put into words how much it has meant to me that so many wonderful rylers here have supported me ,become my friend believed in me, and helped me in my darkest times .

Your so right amy many of them do find it uncomfortable to be around me and to know the depths of my trauma, i see it in many of their eyes when ive been with them. You can see that they dont want to be there with me they just want to run screaming in the opposite direction. Many have said they dont know how anyone could have coped . I still often wish id snapped and lost my mind and escaped , i get scared i wont be able to live with my demons . I just want to get better amy i want to be able to live again if thats ever possible . im still running from my demons hopefully i can learn to live with them. These people are ment to be the professionals ive come to believe some of them dont have enough practical experience really working with patients they seem to be knowleeagable but when it comes to actually understanding me and helping me they struggle, and there are some wonderful professionals out there aswell.

God its so hard that my parents dont, wont understand me i feel so alone , i know that they are trying to understand but i fear they will not. i rarely talk to them about my issues anymore i struggle to keep in touch with them . My brother is amazing he was with me when i was going through many of my darkest hours he has rescued me on many occations. I would be dead already if it wasnt for his patience, love understanding and support. i dont have the choice to switch my depression and trauma on and off i wish more people would understand that.

I have had too many bad experiences with health professionals i hope i dont get too many more , yes i thank my art therapist hes been important in my struggle and my recent dr.Your right they have wanted to help me further but often they couldnt get me the further support. but for now i seem to be taking a couple more steps forward because of them.

If i fail to meet the criteria for mentalisation i will give up, the only choice would be to go private and i cant afford it im living off my pension at 44 im classed as Ill Health Retired right now. Ill keep going and see where i get to. I did consider and may still think about moving to a better area for support, i would only do that if there definatly was no way forward with the NHS , i cant make that choice yet i will wait and see. One issue that made me think of moving to a better area was because of my identity issues so i could be in an area where theres support but also somewhere there is enough NHS therapy for me. Thats a massive risk and a massive step to take id have to be 100 % that there was enough NHS support and that i would get it if i did move somewhere else, i dont know i want my life to move on i have sexuality issues ontop of everything else which messes with my head its a big life change if i persue it. I better stop here before i get to negative.

Lets wait and see amy where i get to i want to thank you as well as many rylers you know who you are for being here for me .Your friendship, love and support is appreciated.

I try not to feel like a troublemaker quite a few people have made me feel like that the symptoms of borderline dont help me or the way i behave sometimes. i havent been abusive to anyone i have been angry but i have had a right to be and so far i havent overstepped the line just stuck up for myself.

Amy im crying when you say dont give up because so many people love me , than k you i will keep fighting.

xx

Much love right back at you ,
Dave

[airwolf282]

Quote:

Originally Posted by bleedingdragon

I try not to feel like a troublemaker quite a few people have made me feel like that the symptoms of borderline dont help me or the way i behave sometimes. i havent been abusive to anyone i have been angry but i have had a right to be and so far i havent overstepped the line just stuck up for myself.

Dave,

It seems like they are the ones abusing you. The NHS is using beurocracy to deny you any help, in my books that is abuse. It just amazes me how a human being can still be treated that way in the 21st century.

I really hope you get somewhere Dave. Have you tried that moodgym website I told you about? It isn't anything like having real therapy but it's better than nothing. I like Beth's idea about sending a letter to your local MP to let them know what's going on. You say your brother is helpful to you, maybe he could help you out there.

Please hang in there Dave, there are so many people here who care about you. I know I do, Beth certainly does and from this post I can tell Amy and others do too. I hope you can keep safe this Christmas, maybe spend time with family or something.

Nathan

[bleedingdragon]

Nathan,
Thank you my friend for your comforting words i Will write a better reply back to you as soon as i can thank you for caring about me, i care about you to Nathan please be safe over christmas n new year

Dave

[bleedingdragon]

" could be triggering "










Im having a hell of a time just now struggling to cope i just came back from seing my 5th psychiatrist today its getting so bloody hard having to recount my issues. They should just read my notes but they are about an inch thick theres a hell of alot of stuff in my notes n i havent a clue what they are saying about me.

Yesterday was really hard i had to go back to see my previous psychiatrist the one who treated me really badly that was really hard for me i have to see him because hes the lead on the Mentalisation program im trying to get on. He was very cautious but suprisingly decent towards me , we managed to communicate about what my mentalisation therapy will be about.

My mentalisation therapy is gona involve an individual therapy session and im gona have to do a group therpay session too , im scared , Im getting really anxious just now he asked me some questions one being how do i feel about mentalisation?, do i think i should do the mentalisation ?, and would i cope with it ?. I dont have to answer him until 28th jan thank god, but i have to say im really scared and wondering if i can do the treatment.

He told me its intensive and more focused and it will last around 18 months oh my god that long i must be really screwed up in the head im really messed up inside . I am scared right now wondering if i will cope with the therapy and stay with it.

i start a link group on the 12th jan it says its not based on delivering therapy but more on education.

I was so screwed up before seing my new psychiatrist today i had to constantly try and control myself i was having a bloody panic attack in the waiting room. When he called me in he managed to put me at ease. He was very supportive and understanding thank god for that .

I found the session with him to be almost too much, not because of him he was really good, i was getting triggered a great deal and struggling to stop myself getting too traumatised . As you can imagine i had to recount my issues to him all over again and i found it almost imposible to cope . Im scared of losing my sanity to be honest , losing my mind im scared that if i do i will have a breakdown or lose my mind completly .with all the bloody trauma ive been through ive nearly snapped and gone insane on more occations than i can remember. Through talking to this psychiatrist who really listened to me i get the understanding of how screwed up in the head i am.

He mentioned that i am inbetween PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder, what you mean ive got both , he said its very hard to destinguish between PTSD and Borderline. Which didnt help me i realise im suffering both PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder. I dont know if i can really cope with this at all im scared although my new psych was supportive and helpfull. I see him again in two weeks time , i still ended up traumatised and reaaly anxious on leaving i was in tears by the time i left his office it wasnt because of him it was me just not coping , im really scared its like i know how f**cked up in the head i am and that im on the edge of losing my mind.

He has changed my meds somethin called pregabalin ? he has recommended new meds for my anxiety so lets hope they help me .

I spent alot of time trying to calm myself down .

[~Grace~]

Hugs Dave
Although scarey it does all sound really positive.
I think its really good youve got some specialised therapy...its been a long time coming
I too have BPD and complex ptsd...but you can learn to live with it and control it
Take care
Rowie xx

[Kame]

I just wanted to give you some hugs Dave. I hope you know by now that I'm only a PM away if you just need somebody to talk to.
Hold in there,
*Gentle cuddles*
Lanny xxxx

[TheHeroYouHate]

I don't know what to say, but I'm sorry you've had to go through all of this.
I'm on pregablin and it has absolutely worked wonders for my anxiety, so thats maybe something you can feel hopeful about :)

[bleedingdragon]

Dear Dear Rowie ,
Its wonderfull to talk to you,
Thank you for your hugs, (Hugs you back).

Thank you for your support, I hope you are doing ok just now, Your Right im really scared just now . It is a positive step, thank you for wishing me well and yes its been a long time coming , ive faught for such a long time .

I hear you about having BPD and complex ptsd, that sounds really hard, its comforting to hear that you can learn to live with it ,and control it. I hope i can be strong enough to do the same.

i will take care please do the same and thank you for replying to my thread.

Dave xx

[bleedingdragon]

Hi Lanny,
Thank you so much for replying to my thread and caring about me, your hugs comfort me, thank you.
(Hugs) you back
I do know and appreciate that you are here for me and that i can get in touch, thank you for that. You remember that i am here if you need someone.

I will try to hold on in there the best i can, you please do the same Lanny i hope your managing right now.

Than k you for your gentle cuddles.
*Cuddles* you back


Dave xxx

[bleedingdragon]

Thank you very much TheHeroYouHate,
Your words do help me knowing that you and others care about me really helps. Thank you for saying i shouldnt have had to go through my experiences .

Thats helpfull to me to know you were on pregabalin and it really helped you with your anxiety, i hope it helps me.

Dave

[Kame]

Hey Dave,
How are you feeling today sweetheart? I know you're here for me, so thank you too. *Big cuddles*
xxxx

[bleedingdragon]

" Warning triggering self harm suicide abuse "

















Hey Kuma,
Thanks for asking how i am and for your cuddles

im feeling sh*t right now :(

omg omg ive just finished a session of my mentalisation group therapy
boy its bloody hard to get through them its emotionally and mentally draining i dont see me getting anywhere right now.

i came out of that session dazed and emotionally knackered and decided to go for a coffee and something to eat in diggles. I go there because even for a short time i can feel safe,

sitting facing the window and the door ready to bloody run like hell out of there if i need to. Got my coffee and sandwich sat down and i looked up.......................omg omg
damn i see my ex shes walking towards diggles oh my god do i need to run she sees me as i duck behind a poster in the window hoping she didnt see me.

She saw meeeeeeeeeeeeee
screammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

she looks down and walks by

........................ well im going into meltdown here sh*t

im falling apart again i cant deal with this sh*t any more youve brought it all back im trying to hold it deep inside me but its like a volcanoe its gona blowwww scream i wish she was dead dead dead

seing her again is too much im screaming insside and running like f*ck

im shaking like a bloody leaf here and my legs are shaking too im digging into my fingers to distract me but its not working im holding myself together best i can wondering wether to run out of diggles and to my car or stay here and wait ..................

......i cant bare it i cant wait im going going back to the car head down dave keep walking........my heads swimming with so many thoughts

im sick and tired of this sh*t i want to give in let go escape
and i want to stay and keep goin to my therapy with the tiniest of hope that i will get better can i get better or am i so screwed up and emotionally damaged that i will never recover


screammmmmm
arghhhhhhhhh


i cant keep doing this im so angry with my ex i want to chase her and confront her and scream and shout at her try and get some justice

but im scared to go iout and search for her i cant ......i cant

im scared of whats inside me its too much to much i cant accept who i am
its tearing me apart peace by peace im so f*cking screwed up inside in so many ways


ha and no one can see that dave no one can see the torture inside you
they cant see the part of you thats dead and trying to kill me

arghhh

its not a good day today im trying to stop myself self harming cause i know i probably will


*update*



i did self harm i had to

theres so much sh*t inside my head ..........im struggling with so much stuff i dont think i can deal with anymore

if anyone saw the tonight program about homophobia against gay people in britain which was on inbetween emerdale about aaron being gay and not accepting it, well thats me ...................the tonight program its scared the crap out of me because our society is shown to be really homophobic towards gay people violent bullying and verbal abuse im still struggling with my sexuality and i dont think i can accept it


what sort of existance can i ever have living a life in secret is no life at all.


thanks Kuma for asking

i hope your managing

Hugs

Dave