My eating disorder is starting to feel like a distant memory. A struggle I had long ago in my past (even though it wasn’t that long ago). I barely remember what it was like to be so ill, to feel so weak, to struggle with every bit of food, to spend my days trapped among thoughts of weight and calories and my body.
I’m very glad I’m not my eating disorder anymore. I’m very glad I feel healthier, can eat freely and am able to focus on much more important things…like dealing with the real issues, like my future, my goals, my dreams, my friends…I’m most grateful that I will see my sisters grow up…and I’m also happy I’m beginning on a journey that means I can use my experiences in a positive way.
I am no longer anorexia, nor am I the person that came before anorexia because she wasn’t me either but the damaged girl who was susceptible to anorexia among other damaging mental health illness.
I am becoming Kel. Name change included… but I’m finding it hard. I’m almost 24 and I havnt yet gone through finding myself in the way most teens do… I’m trying to figure out which parts of me are really me, which parts of me I still need to work on, which parts of me I want to allow to develop. How I find the parts of me that didn’t get a chance to develop.
Most of all at the moment I’m finding it difficult to see myself in the ways others do. My therapist says many nice things to me, as do the few friends that remain… but of course they would…
Who am I really?
How do I find myself?
“Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles.”
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I can relate in so many ways to what you've said. I'm 25 going on 26 and still figuring out who I am after going through some pretty tough stuff. And unfortunately, I don't have any solid answers. The only thing I've realized is that I will probably always keep learning and changing various aspects of myself. Let your strengths continue to grow stronger, and go with that. Sometimes it's worthwhile improving upon your weaknesses, but other times it's more helpful to surround yourself with people who make up for those weaknesses. When you find activities that you truly enjoy, get more involved, whether it's music, art, sports, etc.
I think a lot of 20somethings have a hard time with figuring out who they are... whether they've dealt with eating issues or not. So you're definitely not alone.
Who can attest that when they're at their best
Oh their worst is still crouching close behind
It's coming to peace with the darkness in me
That allows the true light to shine inside "Ups and Downs" ~ Kendall Payne
I'd love to know how you find yourself,,
I'm sick of searching.
I think for some people it just takes much longer,,
It's so lovely to hear you speak about your eating disorder in the past tense.
xxx
Well content loves the silence, It thrives in the dark, With fine winding tendrils,That strangle the heart,
They say that promises sweeten the blow, But I don't need them, No, I don't need them...
^I agree, to be able to speak about it like that is fantastic.
You sound a bit lost, Kel. I can relate, except I haven't recovered yet (I don't really know how to define recovery for me yet but I'm not there) and I am younger. I do feel though like I have lost myself throughout all the things I've been through and how much that took over me. It's hard, really hard.
I can't remember where I was reading but I read somewhere about how everyone tries to find 'their passion' these days, like they are on a journey to find a particular 'thing' that is them and if they don't have one then they just haven't found it yet and to 'keep searching' for an answer that isn't magic. Could that be similar, I don't know. And that the answer be that there is no one thing that you are.. that you are a million and one things. And that you are fluid, if that makes sense? You change, you ebb and flow, just like the rest of us. And it's hard to pin down a person like that.
I think lots of people struggle with this, healthy and ill, maybe Sophie is indeed right that no one knows, but it can hurt very deep to not really know fully who you are. It's like having a central part of the jigsaw missing.
I think a lot of it is relaxing in who you are, in situations and in life. You said about parts of yourself you want to develop. Do you know which parts you are talking about? If you can be specific about things you want to change, or even think about, it's easier I find.
One thing you said
Quote:
I am no longer anorexia, nor am I the person that came before anorexia because she wasn’t me either but the damaged girl who was susceptible to anorexia among other damaging mental health illness.
struck me as being about the strength you feel in yourself and maybe talk this damaged feeling over with your therapist?
I only know you over the tinternet but I would say good things to you too from knowing you and you have to sometimes let go and trust that they may well see what you can't right now. I find it so weird looking at myself from an outside perspective (and quite difficult) even though I do it all the time.
Take care lovely. x
The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.
Wind in the Willows.
For me, I began finding myself during recovery (from self harm, mindyou) by doing different things, defining myself different ways, by what I enjoyed, what I wanted, and what made me "me". Even simple things like when I had red hair, that helped me define myself in a much more accessible way and build on defining the deeper, inner self.
I think knowing who you are is going to come through in your experiences, as each one chips away more at what you really like, really don't, and really want in your life. And I hear your fear and that you find this continued journey daunting... but life is about the journey, not the destination, and maybe you don't need to know exactly everything about who you are. It's good to know you're no longer defined by your illness, but what defines you now? You, your life, you.
Try focusing on each moment in your life as they happen. These are the pieces that will make up your bigger part of your life and then make up you. Adjusting to your new self will take time, but you'll get there.
I'm very proud of you, and the statements you have made above.
I think the reason i'm so lost, and thats a good word to explain it Miranda, is because i'm without my disorder but at the same time havnt yet moved on yet.
Like, i've been ill lately so my contract at work wasnt renewed and i had to take a year out from uni so for most of the time i'm sat at home like... "what do i do with myself..." - and i dont really know becauseall i've ever know was my faling apart childhood or living with disorder.
I know i do want to go back to uni when i can in september.. but i dont know what else is 'Kel'... i feel like im wasting so much life sat in the house!
Thanks Aimee. I do know your right that its always a journey... i guess my issue is that i'm at a stop gap..a place where i have to make choices about what i do now and i've never had the 'luxury' of that before...
“Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles.”
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Like Aimee says, maybe you need to work on, I'll use the word 'creating'... more experiences and more life and more you that you have perhaps missed out on. Maybe think wild. What do you want to do you have never done? Etc, etc.
x
The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.
Wind in the Willows.
Miranda's right. After I started recovering I actually had the year off uni, so I went on trips to places visiting toy shops, parks, lolly shops, beaches, people, I started making things (like sock puppets) and keep searching for lots of different ways to spend my time like that. Then I journalled all about them to remember how it went. And the wilder the better!
I even went to the place I lived as a child and for that day "was" a child, went around the schools and played on playgrounds... let your imagination guide you.
What do you think you've missed out on - maybe you could experience it now? Better late than never! xx
You keep finding yourself your whole life. There is no discrete searching about and then "aha there I am". Don't torment yourself about not having "found yourself" like other teens because most of them never found out either - and many of the ones that thought they had get a big psychic kick in the chops at some point when things go wrong.
The lifelong process of discovering yourself is actually more a matter of unlearning and realising - not analyzing. Analyzing yourself is confusing and limiting because you will only be able to analyse what is known and discovering yourself means finding/realisng the unknown. "Wondering" is a better mindset because that is like asking the universe a question and then leaving you mind open for the answers. These often come at odd times such as doing chores, sitting on a bus etc.
Sincere yearning is also mandatory. If you really want to know who you are (and in your case I am sure you do) it means looking at the negatives as well as the positives - and not getting hung up about either and struggling egotistically.
Most peoples flaws are acquired and not organic to them. An excuse for a flaw is worse then the flaw itself. Seeing the flaw and owning it without resentment is the first step to eradication. Just like the sun dries up manure and allows flowers to grow. Just becoming aware of flaws and noticing them gently with a mild remorse separates your true inner self from the distortions and false identity that got inside from reacting to things outside you.
A main way of finding inner roots is dissolving the negative emotions that keep the true inner person fixated to past events and conditionings. Letting go of resentments toward others (and self) reverses the externalisation locked identity to outside influences. A persons roots are way deeper than they realise. Suppressed emotions and compulsive circular thinking/analysis
keep the mind linked to a false, conditioned identity (often a trauma identity).
As emotional blocks are allowed to dissolve in the light of awareness (there is no need to "work at things" with struggle) new realisations will emerge and old ways will break down. It's kind of like a flower blooming - there is no need to force the petals.
