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Triggering (SI) - WTF is wrong with me?
All I want is to know what is wrong with me. I've been diagnosed schizophrenic, bipolar, obsessive compulsive, depressed, tourettes syndrome, ADHD and even mildly autistic. I have all the huge mood swings and impulsive behavior of bipolar, I shout things uncontrollably and have tics, I have all these crazy images floating around in my head and if they get bad enough I start hallucinating and getting delusional. I can't sleep, can't concentrate, and half the time feel like I'm possessed by satan. I have a huge fixation on sensory stimuli and seem to be socially retarded. I've been on every antipsychotic, antidepressant and general tranquilizer known to man. They've made me gain tons of weight, knocked me out, locked up my muscles and blurred my vision, and none of them have taken care of the problem. I've been in the mental hospital 13 times within a few years. My doctor is trying a new kind of biofeedback treatment that has helped a lot of people but it only makes me worse and by the end of a session, I usually end up screaming and tearing up his office. All they can do is sedate me, because nothing seems to actually help my problem. Everything could be going so great for me. I have a wonderful boyfriend and a loving family, and I'm talented and smart and creative, but I can't even attend school right now because I end up disrupting class and I get so overwhelmed by everything. My GPA is in the crapper and I don't think I'll ever puke out my BA. My bf wants to get married, but I'm so scared of having to deal with the children he so desperately wants. All I do is hurt people. Everyone who loves me freaks out every time it happens- every time I have a meltdown and think the government is after me. There's this demon in the back of my head that keeps saying cut a little deeper....cut a little deeper. Slit your wrists. Just do it. I don't want to, but the scars are piling up on my body, and its getting so hard to hide them from everyone. I wonder if myself from the future has come to possess me because I don't feel like myself. I need help and there's none there for me. I don't know what to do.
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