I messed up on something I knew my husband would freak out on. I forgot to do something important. Something VERY important. He called me at my second job to inform me he knew. He was mad but didn’t want to mess up our daughter’s birthday. He wasn’t mad. He was LIVID. He raised his voice on the phone to me and asked what have I been doing to the finances? Have I been robbing my family? Have I not been paying bills again?? WHAT THE *BLEEP* HAVE I BEEN DOING TO SCREW THINGS UP??
*BREATHE*
I took a breath. I told him I was busy (cause I was at work DUH) I would look into when I got home. I panicked. I panicked and picked up the box blade that I was working with ( I was opening up boxes to put merchandise out). I pressed it to my skin and realized…
I would not only break my skin but break MY heart. Doing this act would not help the situation. I would have broken a month of strength. I would have broken my kid’s hearts. I would have stepped back a million paces of a progressive movement of a million steps.
I did not cut. I did not burn. I did not punch.
I went home to see how I missed it. I just missed it. I explained to him that I was human and that I just missed it. I just overlooked it. The finances are still there. I didn’t screw up that. I just missed it.
So today I look at myself in another light.
Last night I confirmed my inner beliefs of strength. I am stronger than I thought I was or think I am. I am finally believing in me.
*smile*
Reading this for proof just gave me a warm fuzzy feeling. Am I really overcoming?
Im smiling for you!
you really are an inspiration!
you should feel immensley proud of yourself!
Well done for keeping your cool and your resolve.
k x
Doubt yourself and you doubt everything you see. Judge yourself and you see judges everywhere. But if you listen to the sound of your own voice, you can rise above doubt and judgment. And you can see forever.
Really thinking out of control today.
All is good, just fast and furious thinking.
Past and future.
Fears and accomplishments.
Swirling swirling in control.
FRainy, re-read the nest to last post you made...x
Reading this for proof just gave me a warm fuzzy feeling. Am I really overcoming?
*smile*
*nods*
I think I am.
^^nvrmd, there it is...
You ARE overcoming.
BECAUSE YOU FOUGHT SO HARD TO DO SO!
It was a MINOR mistake...you are right..anyone could have made it!
Do NOT let this rob you of how good you are doing.
Like you ssaid, you were strong enough NPOT to harm..that is freaking amazing.
*sends up cheer for FRainmy*
luv ya
xx
I am doing well, and am saddened that I am. I am begining to realize feelings I have long forgotten. I am fearing the holidays, but have uped my hours again. To stay busy is to forget life.
Life has treated me well this last month. I have behaved myself on self injury and most ridiculing self talk. It was like living in a fantasy world. Watching this creature form from the inside out. I made it a month.
I read others pain. I recognize myself and where I have forced myself from.
It is forced.
It is a struggle.
It is painful to forget.
I want to sabottage this high I am in. I fear.
The holidays are bugging me.
I am unusually happy to have them here, waiting for the moment to be alone.
I wont do anything.
I am scared to do anything.
I have a lot to look at. I just hope I havent taken on too much. Put to much faith in the future.
Maybe a blah moment of security of the blade.
I have no blades.
I have no burning mechanisms.
I cant seem to get courage or strength to hit self to leave a mark.
I *think* it may be the start of overcoming..it still feels 'slightly wrong' to feel 'well'.
To still doubt you deserve it.
To be scared of it and wanting to return to what you know.
It is worth it, FRainy...and soon I think you will be able to embrace it more and more...once the starngeness of it all begins to fade.
You have come far.
You have fought so well
*still cheering*
xx
Really struggling today.
Really in reality check mode.
Really crying.
Really suffering.
Really needing help.
Waiting for the call back.
Really dark right now.
Really wanting to feel the words in my posts above.
Really wanting the darkness to fade.
so sorry that you are struggling so much today.
Here if you need anything.maybe read back through all of your posts so that you can feel the warmth and shelter that we all send you, and so that you don't lose sight of how welll you have been doing, and how proud you should be of yourself.
K x
Doubt yourself and you doubt everything you see. Judge yourself and you see judges everywhere. But if you listen to the sound of your own voice, you can rise above doubt and judgment. And you can see forever.
she called. i promised not to do anything last night. it was hard not too after my argument with him.
A dear friend emailed me valuable words yesterday. Those words echoed all day. I want to believe I am not to blame.
I must look pathetic today. People telling me I am quiet. People asking me if I am ok.
I want to yell NO.
tools are with me now.
They will be with me tonight. SHe wanted me to drop them at her office. I cant do that. I have that vision. the urge is strong. almost as if i do it it would save me from going all the way.
*hits self*
Tell me one cut would be ok. Just to feel the warmth of something flowing. It is just a small blade. I have it all here. Ready. Set. Draw.
I am anticipating the release.
I vision it.
I feel it.
Now just got to get alone to do it.
I am in a bad place Romp.
A very bad palce with no where to go.
Rain
Last edited by Rain Keeper : 11-12-2009 at 06:14 PM.
That's why we are all here...to keep you out of that dark place.
You CAN do this babes, I know you can.
But, you have to let us (here and your T) help you.
Which is so very hard when you feel the anticipation.
BUT..you know te flipside to that....the guilt, the needing care, the hiding, the shame, the feeling 'weak' for giving in...
I know it's hard to see past the intial desire, to see the pain, and harm it will do.
But, NO, not even one babes.
If that makes you more in danger, then you must go.
Pls.
Call her, tell her the truth. I know you do not lie to her. That isvery brave FRainy, very.
What do you worry about in reards to goin gin?
Maybe if you (we) can elimintae the negatives/fears of it, you could accet it?
*cuddles*
Love you FRainy.
Rain, think about how great a chrismtas present it will be to your family if you can make it all th4e way to christmas!
I have faith in you, I know you can do this!
Doubt yourself and you doubt everything you see. Judge yourself and you see judges everywhere. But if you listen to the sound of your own voice, you can rise above doubt and judgment. And you can see forever.
FRainy, you have absolutely NOTHING to say sorry for!
Like a good friend told me today; you didn't intend to get ill.
You didnt choose this, FRainy.
I'm glad you are keeping ctc with your T and she will be talking to the psych as well.
You're doing it, FRainy.
love ya
Candy Tetris
Mahjong
Othello
Mumu
