Triggering (SI/OD) - Um...yeah...ok

[Shambles]

I'm longing for my destruction. I want it back.
When I had that, I had something, I had the burning inside me. I had a passion.

As strange as it sounds, it gave me a reason to do things. It fuelled my inspiration.

Now I'm just nothing. I'm middle-of-the-road. And I don't want to be that.

The OD's before bed, the adrenaline from the injuries. The dizziness from non existent meals. I want it all.

I want it all so much I could cry.

I can't believe after all this time....I'm back here needing support...

[Snow White.]

This might seem like an obvious question; but why? What is your life lacking now that you feel you need to fill it with these emotions? And furthermore, is there anything else that works for you to give you that rush and that passion, even something basic like really loud music, or dareisay, sex?

And as much as you long for these things back, what about all the negative sides of self harm? You can do serious damage to your liver/skin/body, end up in hospital, have to take time off from work & uni, waste money on care equipment and those sort of things. Of course, there will be more personal negatives for you, maybe they're worth thinking about?

Please Soph, don't give in to these urges - you can overcome them.
xxxxxxx

[Stellata]

It sounds like maybe the wires around creativity and destructiveness have got somehow crossed in you. Getting through this and shifting things can be like 're-wiring', an untangling.

[Shambles]

I don't know what's lacking. But it's like theres a gaping hole that needs filling. I felt...alive back then. Now I just feel like a horse on a merry-go-round.

Right now, the thought of my boyfriend finding out is the only thing stopping me. The medical stuff, although serious, doesn't upset me too much. I mean, i've already done the damage in the past. What's the point in avoiding more?

Thank you both.
Despite everything, I am trying to fight, but my hearts just not in it...