Triggering (SI) - I snapped and I feel awful. I need help :(

midnightstar · 02-11-2009, 09:46 PM

Me and a friend are both trying to 'give up' SI together. Today was day 28...I snapped and am now back down to day 0. I feel ridiculous, I was doing so well, we had almost reached our next target of 30 days. My friend hasn't done it, thank god she is still going on and I am trying to support her as much as I possibly can, but she is struggling alot at the moment and I am really worried about her. What makes this worse is I live in England and she lives in Wales, so I can't talk to her as easily as I want to, we have been texting each other all day at school and I felt so awful when I told her what I had done, I feel like I have let her down, I'm so angry at myself

I need help, badly. I can't talk to my parents, can't even talk to my Head of year anymore. I feel totally alone. I haven't felt this bad for ages

When I found the blade and put it in my pocket at school I felt so weird, I was shaking all over and hyperventilating but I couldn't bring myself to get rid of it, I was almost in tears because I felt like I needed it so badly but I knew what I was going to do if I kept it. I almost got it in the bin but couldn't do it. Then I cut in a lesson and started crying (thankfully teacher didn't notice) after that I had to get rid of it and it is now in the bin at school. I had to get rid of it before someone saw me with it..I have almost been in serious trouble for having a 'dangerous weapon' at school before :(

sorry it's abit pointless

amy_ · 02-11-2009, 10:00 PM

nothing is every pointless it is great that u made it that for slip up are a part of getting better everyone slips up its hard to stop something that have helped for so long i now how it is to have a freind so far away my freind moved and i cant see her or talk that much and its hard when the school finds out but just hang in there and im proud that u got rid of the blade it takes alot of courage to do try to not be so hard on urself ok

in another life · 03-11-2009, 12:48 AM

Well done for going so long without SH, that's a great achievement! Try not to be so hard on yourself for slipping up, that happens, as frustrating as it may be. Maybe you could talk to a counsellor at your school or a trusted teacher or someone else to talk about your feelings? Also well done for getting rid of your blade, that must of been really hard for you but you did it and that's great!
Best wishes and I hope you find the support you need! *hugs*

midnightstar · 03-11-2009, 06:39 PM

Thanks :)
I do talk to a counciller at school but it's not really helping :( There are some teachers I have/want to talk to but I'm too nervous to go up to them to ask for help. I'm a very quiet and shy person and hardly ever talk to teachers.

03-11-2009, 08:02 PM

You can say, ask or admit anything here, none of us will judge you as we've all been there *hug*

I spoke to my teacher the other day because it caused problems with some school trip accomodation arrangements, and she was great about it. She even asks me how I am when I get to class, nobody else does that to me. Try and grip that courage, it'll be worth it mate! :)

Liam, x

midnightstar · 03-11-2009, 10:41 PM

There are 2 teachers at school I talk to (one is my head of year). I just think it'd be kind of weird going up to them and saying 'hi, I am messed up, I hate myself and want it all to end please help me' I might have to talk to someone tomorrow, I feel like I am going mad :( I just don't know what to say and how to say it :( Especially as I don't have the teacher I want to talk to tomorrow which means I'd have to find her especially :(

Today instead of cutting I deprived myself of food (I often have periods of time where I starve myself) it worked but I can't keep it up for more than a few days before I start binge eating :(

krackerz1590 · 14-11-2009, 01:06 AM

i did this at college in the loos SH and another class student saw scissors and cut and told about it to tutor i was kept back when class finished my mum was called i was crying a right mess and state just had the 'urge' felt tension and frustration rising and needed to 'let it out' i was asked to see a pyschtrist as gave a suicide letter to my tutor so had to have couple weeks off and sign an agreement contract my tutor area manager (her boss) had to have a emergency meeting about me and my well being MH and i was told that i had to have couple weeks off until decided and they did!!!