Triggering (Suicide) - keeping up an act is lonely
I've recently slipped back into self-harm after a couple months "clean". I was making loads of progress with my self-harm and all other aspects of my mental health recovery. My doctor and family were all really pleased and like "oh, you're better now". As if I was completely well forever, like. I've suffered a relapse with everything, and I'm scared no one believes me. Hiding how I really feel from everyone is great, because it means they aren't hurt or worried. But it means I'm all alone. And it's so damn hard to smile and laugh when inside I just want to die. Sometimes it's so bad, I have to really wrestle with myself to not do something really spontaneous. Everything is affecting me really badly, and I just can't go on living in this world anymore - it's such an awful place. I think of people in their 20s and think "how did they survive this life for that long". And I'm 19. The only reason I've not made an attempt on my life in just over a year is because I promised a few really good friends (including my best friend Amanda) and my sister (CrazyHayley on RYL) that I wouldn't attempt again. There's people that need me and the people I love I don't ever want to put through that pain. Besides, I CAN'T break a promise anyway. So I'm stuck here. Sometimes I want to go ahead and break all the promises anyway; sometimes I want to hurt them all so that no one cares for me anymore so I can die without hurting anyone; sometimes I want to beg them all to let me go... So yeah, I feel that bad AGAIN. But people just get fed up of me not getting better. I've been ill for years. I pick up a bit, then relapse, then pick up a bit... You get the picture. Recovery doesn't exist for me. It's like, I don't think I'll ever beat this; only temporarily and then fall backwards again... So what's the point in fighting anymore? I really can't take this world anymore. I can't survive here. but I can't go either, because of my friends and family. I can't live, and I can't die. So what the hell do I do?
I didn't put this in the serious/suicide forums because like I said, I won't go back on those promises, so I'm not planning or anything. That and, when I started typing, I meant to talk about SI and all this came out instead.
I keep letting everyone down, and I feel so guilty. I hate myself.
They know I've gone backwards a bit with my social anxiety and BPD. But I don't think anyone realises what lurks behind that. If I tell them, they'll be so hurt and disappointed. I'll have let them down even more. Everyone seems to rely on me as the agony aunt; the strong one... And don't get me wrong, I LOVE supporting everyone, and I LOVE that people find me easy to talk to and stuff. And I'll ALWAYS be there for everyone. And I never want that to stop. But it'd just be nice if people realised that sometimes I need THEM too. That sounds so selfish.I'll use a metaphor... Everyone sits on the chair and the chair doesn't complain about it. That is the chair's purpose in life and it is happy with people sitting on it when they can't walk any more. But sometime's the chair breaks and needs to be fixed. But the chair has always been strong enough to hold everyone up, so it must be ok. It can't need fixing. It's a chair.
Awww *hugs* Even the strongest of people need looking after from time to time, and there's nothing wrong with that at all. You're not being selfish. I used to be the same, put everyone else before me, making sure they're ok and not worrying them about any of my stuff. But if this is how you feel, then you do need to get help. There's no shame in it whatsoever, and you wouldn't be letting anyone down. If anything, getting help will make you stronger, and make it better for you to help others. I thought that too, that telling my friends would hurt or disappoint them. I was scared, cos I was used to being the one that held everyone up, gave advice, was there for them. But I finally told them, it was the best thing ever and they were so supportive and understanding. You sound like a good soul, don't give up.
Hey there lil sis! *special snuggles* I'm so glad that you put the link onto this on my facebook as you know I've not been on RYL in a few months now (nothing personal guys! My psych wanted me to see how I'd do without it)Anyhoo....
Obviously I'll respond properly in private but I wanted people to know that as your soul sister there is nothing that you can ever do that would hurt me and make me stop caring about you. You may possibly unintentionally upset me and make me care more though. I also wanted people to understand that we are hundreds of miles apart and so as much as I want to scoop you up in my arms and look after you, unfortunatley I can't.
As always, more waffle, lots more, to come! Love you! *supper snuggles*
"All battles in life serve to teach us something, even the battles we lose"
"There are moments in life when the only possible option is to lose control"
Thanks everyone.
I don't know what I'm going to do yet. You know when your head is too muggy to think about anything, no matter how much you need to?
Feel like I'm in bits.
I've been feeling a lot worse since I posted here, which at first I found weird, because I thought it would help. But I just thought, maybe I've subconsciously just admitted to myself that this is all happening again. And that's what's making me feel bad...?
Something inside me is screaming. I feel like I'm being torn apart from the inside. I can't get out of bed in the mornings again. What's happening to me?
I hate myself.
