Triggering (SI) - whats wrong with me

bingie · 28-10-2009, 09:39 PM

My mood recently has been wavering. In the space of a few hours I've gone from strange hyperactivity to self harming lows.

At the moment I'm level. I'm triggered extremely but I'm not miserable.

I'm not taking any medication and I wont be able to see a doctor for a very long time due to my up coming shifts at work. Yet I know something is wrong.

I've been depressed since school and have been on different types of meds,seen counsellors all over the place and been told by a physchiatrist that I'm just generally depressed and it would pass.But it doesnt.

Even when I'm feeling on top of the world my brain still niggles at me telling me it will be over soon and I will be crashing down harder than last time.

I'm feeling alone.It seems that no matter who I find that feels the same way doesn't get it. They know their reason why they feel like that. And they offer me help. But I just back away. I want to find someone like me. Who knows what I'm feeling without me placing it into words...

Does anyone here actually get what I'm going on about?

Thanks for reading this. Sorry it's long but right now I just need hope that one day I will get out of this cycle of moods.....

afraidtogetbackup · 28-10-2009, 10:15 PM

I think i get what you are saying and feel. No matter how happy you are you can't get away from the sadness/emptiness. I'm sorry you feel that way. i know it really sucks. Sometimes i feel guilty for being happy and end up sad again. you can message me anytime. i'll answer back as soon as i can. hope you feel better.

bingie · 29-10-2009, 12:47 AM

well itsa more a case of coping mechanisms and such and how i react to situations with different ways - i was trying to talk to my husband earlier on about the issue and he just didnt get it.

i dunno maybe it is just me and one of my metal states. sometimes wish it would all just go away.

afraidtogetbackup · 29-10-2009, 03:09 AM

i'm sorry. people on the outside that haven't gone through the same thing don't always understand...actually i haven't found anyone who does. sorry try to stay safe. i'm here if you need me.

bingie · 29-10-2009, 09:48 AM

I'm taking my blades to work.

bunsy · 29-10-2009, 10:34 AM

you dont have to take them. Show just how strong you are by leaving them behind.

its important that you fight your triggers. do you know whats making you feel so odd? has anything happened in the recent weeks/days to make you feel suddenly the way you do?

feel free to talk if you need to
life is music, play it louder
Rei xxx

bingie · 29-10-2009, 11:27 PM

I just want to say sorry to everyone who looked at this post. I'm another voice in the crowd screaming to be heard thats all.
I just need to realise I'm not the snowflake i want to be and just get on with living the way everyone else does.

I've just been in my own head alot the past few weeks thats all. Thinking too much about work,my future,everything going on right now and i still feel like the 14 year old with no friends who had nobody to turn to.

Ive done so much to make my life change and nothing has.I still have noone to turn to. I still s/h and i havent learnt anything in my years of telling people about myself. I still back away when they ask me to talk.

Everythings fine. I'm ok...Trust me its all good........If I keep lying it will come true. It has to right?

Will this ever end or am i going to be like this forever? I cant live knowing it wont end. People will get hurt by me.I'll destroy them,make them bitter and cynical.
Maybe its good that I have noone.

afraidtogetbackup · 29-10-2009, 11:31 PM

don't ever settle for anything less than what you want or who you want to be. if you what to change you will be able to. it just takes time. don't settle to be just another face/voice in the crowd. it gets you no where trust me. because that is who i am in my small town. get your voice heard. you will get better. you can message me anytime i'll listen. pick me to turn to.