Triggering (SI) - I WANT TO, I NEED TO; IT'S A PUNISHMENT & I DESERVE IT *Triggers SA/SI*

discovery_journey · 21-10-2009, 11:04 PM

I have been triggered and I feel COMPELLED to cut
I am bad
I deserve to be punished
I need this

I will feel satisfied when I've done this

I hope those b*stards are happy

discovery_journey · 21-10-2009, 11:21 PM

feeling bit calmer now...
I'm trying not to go to bed...
it will stop me from s/harming there
deep breaths... I will be ok, I will be ok, I will be ok

discovery_journey · 22-10-2009, 01:11 AM

so I went to bed... and it wasn't good
lying there in bed... the SA and r*pe going over my head again and again
urge to cut out of control
crying
phoned crisis team
they helped a bit
just trying to distract
but i am thinking may be I'll cut a bit

afraidtogetbackup · 22-10-2009, 02:36 AM

you don't deserve to be punished no matter what anyone says. distractions are great. i'm here if you want to talk. message me anytime. please try not to cut. you deserve not to. *hugs*

Tig · 22-10-2009, 08:18 AM

*Gentle hugs*

It sounds like you had a really tough night. How are you feeling this morning? I hope you managed to get through the night without self harming but if you did self harm then please get treatment if you need it.
You do not deserve to be punished, the people that need to be punished are those that hurt you, not you. They have hurt you enough already and I wish there was a switch to turn off your pain because you don't deserve to have to go through this constantly.
Well done for phoning the crisis team and trying to distract yourself. It's great how much you tried to help yourself, you should be proud of that <3
xx

hle · 22-10-2009, 05:15 PM

these guys are right
there isnt much I can add really...only to let you know you're in my thoughts and I really hope you are safe and feeling a bit better.
Lots of love
x x x

discovery_journey · 22-10-2009, 07:45 PM

I didn't cut in the end last night.
Have felt pretty grotty all day though.
I got up this morning and had to go back to bed cos I couldn't face being up.
i wrote a note to my cpn and a copy for my gp
i dropped them into the cmht offices and gp surgery
my cpn didn't phone me this afternoon
and my gp didn't phone me
I don't know what I'm supposed to do
I guess just keep phoning crisis team if it gets bad
it's been on my mind all day

afraidtogetbackup · 22-10-2009, 10:22 PM

i'm sorry no one has answered you yet. but calling the crisis line is always a good idea if you need to talk to someone. i'm here for you if you need/want to talk. i don't know how much i can help. but you can message me. try to distract yourself as best you can. don't give up.