Triggering (OD) - snapping in more ways than one

[fadesthesun]

I feel depressed and angry. That sounds like such a weak way to describe it, but thats what it's called unfortunately.
I have cyclothymia. I've been up for a month and a half. Not up as in awake, although I have been awake for most of it. Really suddenly midweek everything started to seem pointless and I don't know why I still go to college or why I go to work or do all my coursework because what is the point really, what is the point of getting up off my bed and not staring at the wall anymore. I keep snapping at my boyfriend over trivial tiny things and I cried for ages last night, apologising over and over again, and he kept reassuring me that he's barely noticed but I notice its all the time and I feel so guilty, I feel guilty for everything. I'm a horrendous person I've done horrible things, I upset people and I can't stand it anymore. I keep thinking what if my ODs worked, what if I try again, it would be great for everyone else and I wouldn't hurt anymore. I can't take anymore. I'm so behind with everything. Its my fault. Everything is. I don't want to shower or do my coursework. I can't even be bothered to go across the road for cigarettes. I'm scared to ask for help. People will either worry or not take me seriously. Time is going really slowly. It just isn't moving. I want out of this. I don't know, I don't want to die, I just want this to stop.

[Stellata]

Depressed and angry. I know it so well. My diagnosis is different, but I know how draining it can be.
Lack of sleep can make you feel even more strung out.

You're not a horrendous person. Really you're not. You're struggling to keep going with facing some really tough feelings.
Sure, you've done some things you regret. Me too. I know how it can leave you feeling deeply ashamed.

What if they take you seriously?
I understand how it can be when people worry - through my childhood most of the caring I knew was worry-caring. Beneath that though, people care. There is cause for concern, and you deserve and need support through this.

[fadesthesun]

:(
I just want it gone. I want to be a nice person.
I hate being weak like this.

[Stellata]

Try to think of all the many other people who've ever felt like this, in such intense distress. Do you hate them for being 'weak'?
I think that rather you hate feeling vulnerable and powerless in the face of this.
But, you know what, working through these feelings and coming safely out the other side can make you stronger.

Being a balanced, 'good' and 'bad', and honest of your feelings person is much stronger than being a 'nice' person. You haven't lost all your kindness and good feelings. You're probably so overwhelmed with self hatred that you can't see any way through.

How can you best be kind to yourself, in a safe way?

[fadesthesun]

weak was a stupid word to use. I didn't mean to offend anyone.

I can be kind by going back to bed i guess lol.

[Stellata]

Getting some comforting rest sounds like a good plan. :)

And, remember, it's mostly yourself that you're being down on - you don't need that. You need as much caring as possible.

[fadesthesun]

thanks for your help :)
missing college today. i think i needed to.

[Stellata]

Sometimes we just need that extra bit of space to gather self together some again.