OK, this is probably in the wrong section but yeah, move it if you feel necessary. Or tell me to go away.
I have this problem. I've had it for a while. I don't know whether it's part of 'anything' in particular, but yeah, it's a problem.
I think everyone hates me. Or rather, my brain thinks everyone hates me. There's a teeny-tiny part of me that knows this is irrational (and that how exactly can EVERYONE in the world hate me... including my boyfriend, parents etc) but the rest of me, say 99.9% still thinks that everyone hates me.
I've just moved to university and am having a really difficult time settling in. I live on a corridor of about 25 people, so I'm quite overwhelmed anyway by all the people and the not knowing everyone and stuff. I guess I tried to make friends but from the get-go I was convinced they didn't like me, and that there wasn't much point trying because I'd just give them more reasons to dislike me. It's stopping me from interacting with people because the paranoia is so strong that I think whenever I'm around they're just collecting ammunition to use against me. My brain therefore tells me not to talk to them because it will just give them reason to hate me even more.
I am sure these people are nice people, but my brain does not want to understand that. It understands that I am a unlikable person, so they have good reason to dislike me. Whenever I do talk to them, it feels like it's attacking me, saying things like "DON'T SAY THAT, YOU'RE STUPID, THEY'LL HATE YOU FOR IT" or once I've walked away it starts beating me up about the things I've said, going over and over and over every little word thinking why that was wrong and how I've just blown any chance of friendship. Even a simple 'hi' as I walk down the corridor to go to the bathroom sets it off with the comments.
It's not just doing it here. It's done it for the past year or so, since I started getting better from depression. I'm better now, recovered from the depression and discharged from all the places I've been seen at, but it's still there. My brain doesn't want to work properly. Even the friends I made in sixth form I think hate me. Or they're only my 'friends' because they pity me and do it because of that. Or they're using me to as ammunition for bitching behind my back. My brain tells me my boyfriend hates me, that he's only using me and so forth. I try and rectify this by buying him things so that he'll have reasons not to hate me, but still my brain tells me I'm worthless and he hates the things I buy.
I haven't made any friends at uni. People on my corridor have tried to talk to me, but my brain just WILL NOT let me believe that they want to talk to me, and tells me to go lock myself in my room so they don't have to talk to me. It probably saves them a lot of trouble; I'm not that good company. I made quite good friends with one girl, and told her about it, and she said "don't worry, we don't hate you... no one hates you" which I know is the rational thing to think. It might even be the truth... but my brain just won't let it compute and so I'm stuck back where I started again. I think she got sick of me because she started hanging out with different people and I haven't seen her in a while. I'm just fed up. I hate being lonely. I hate not having people I can talk to. Because of this, everyone else has made their own groups and they're not very accepting of me, because I'm just so much hard work.
I really don't know what to do. I guess I don't know why I'm writing this, because in the end I don't have much control over my brain so what's the point in even trying? I was just wondering if anyone else has this problem or has any advice coping with it, especially when trying to make new friends.
Sorry, feel free to ignore this.
If you managed to get through my pathetic ramblings, thanks.
