Oh and apparently she is going to bring some paperwork for me to think about on Tuesday - a wellness plan or something to do about how to achieve recovery. At the moment I like that idea, the thought of working towards recovery but I know in a few hours I won't feel like that.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Laura - Well done for starting the class, I really hope you enjoy it :)
Daniella - I hope you're feeling better and everything's starting to feel a bit easier. I know it's hard, it's bloody hard, but try to remind yourself that you're worth more than him and that one day these feelings will be gone. Sorry if that's useless advice, it's just a way of thinking that got me through a messy break up.
Mari - Hope things are looking up sweetie. Did you manage to resist the thoughts of cutting?
Em - That sounds like a crap day! Hope you got a good night's sleep and feel better today.
Carrie - Well done for getting to your GPs, I remember you saying it was going to be tough after all the drink! Was his response what you were hoping for? (Ie. the sick note, and the quetiapine). Maybe there is a reason she wants to tell the consultant, it's probably helpful for him to know as much as he can about the way your mood operates.
I'm okay, need to force myself to have another bath. Also need to get round to filling out a form re: fees for college (otherwise they'll be trying to take over £700 from me very soon - Which I absolutely don't have!) And I have some job vacancy phone no.s that I need to call asap.
It's not much to do in a day, and yet it feels like an impossible ammount. Add in all the work I have to do for college that I'm trying to put off, and I think I'll snap and go to the pub!
I'm really, way to lazy. There are just some days where the simplest of tasks feel like too much.
Hey Zowie, it sounds like a lot to me. I only set a couple of things in a day to aim to do. I know it makes me feel lazy and my housemate has a chuckle about it when I say I am doing this or that today and that it is enough, it isn't really being lazy, it is doing the best you can when you are not feeling good.
Yeah, I'm ok with the GP appt and it is nice to have a month sicknote as it gives me some time without work hanging over me for a little while. He's actually an ok GP and so maybe when I go back next month, I will try to make an appt to see him again. He was helpful last time I saw him aswell and earlier in the year when I needed my AD changing because of the side-effects of another one.
My SW said something like that. I suppose this year, I have spent most of the time being really low and it is only recently that I have been having the highs again occasionally. She even said, if they aren't too destructive highs (I still harm when I am on them as I still need the release and can't settle) and the consultant knows, perhaps we need to try and work with them to get things done when I am feeling a little high. We need to be careful though - hmm.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Heylo all, erm I don't really have time to read over he last 20 pages or so since I've been away, so I hope that everyone has been okay in the last few weeks and that and everyone is doing good today :)
I had a good holiday yeah, it had its moments though. Tbh my friend who is kinda seeing two people back here, embarked on a fling with a barman and everytime we walked anywhere guys kept saying, oh you are beautiful and blah blah blah - now don't get me wrong, there is a few I had an opp to go with but I just couldn't be bothered with all that at all...
I felt lonely most days though, and I got back yest and sat in myself crying most of the day because I just feel empty and now thats all over, I have hee haw to look forward to but being at work and pretty much on my own, my mum and dad go away to lanzarote in about 2 hours, so I'm going to be alone and I feel vulnerable, the past week even when I was away I thought about nothing but ending it all when I got home, its so pathetic and like me yo know
I go back to work this weekend, god I so don't wanna go, I just wanna sty here in my bed, ugh..
I am going to see my CPN in the morn, don't know how much good it will do mind you, I just I dunno, feel so alone and I have come to the stage now that I am so fed up with it
Sorry folks, hope you are all okay.
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
Mari, I hope today has been better for you and that you managed to look after yourself last night.
Hollz, do you have anyone you can be around while your parents are away? Maybe make a social plan. Good to have you back.
Zowie, don't go to the pub, get your stuff done first! You can do it!
Carrie, I've just started the Wellness Recovery Action Plan - it looks like a good thing. Highs aren't ideal especially if they're fuelled by alcohol or any other substances, so that might concern your SW.
I saw my psychologist this morning and it was difficult because she suggested the possibility of going to every fortnight (instead of every week) to keep my mood okay. I froze up inside but managed to say I wanted to stick to every week. She was fine with that, even with me saying "please don't leave me". (That has happened a lot in the past, I've dared to smile and professionals have left me). I think now is a better time in some ways to be doing this work than when I'm really distressed. I still have a lot of issues I need to tackle. It's left me feeling really anxious and upset.
Mari, hope your okay like, you didn't text me back last night and my phone keeps crashing
My wee bro will be at home you know, but he will pretty much avoid him and he will be out all the time anyhow, but yeh I will speak to me cpn in the morn...
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
I HATE HATE HATE my cpn, shes such a useless bleep.
had an appointment today with her (they are getting less and less frequent) usual rubbish bla blah blah and some you must take responsibility blah blah blah
she asked me to phone and ask my new GP (im leaving the area) what services are available for BPD in the area so i did, he wasnt sure but said if the cpn sent info about me over he would pass it on to the mental health team.
so i leave a message with her and she phones me back, when i tell her this (thinking ohh look i did something useful with my day) she informed me of course the gp would know he pays for the services and i must take responsibilty...at which point i said some naught words and hung up.
i did what she bloody asked me too! i hate her so much shes really useless, she says i must stop doing this and that but doesnt give me ideas how, she says crisis team are not for ppl like me, meds are no good for people with my problems and i9 generally get the idea she thinks im a waste of her time, i mean i was diagnosed within 10 minutes of meeting a shrink and ever since ive felt like these gits have put me in the pile of, not my problem anymore shes waiting for therapy (which btw was going to take until the new year at least)
I managed to have bath, call the college finance office and check what I had to do, and call the DSS to get them to send me proof of my benefits.
Then I went to the pub.
I think I did okay...
ahh ok, my phone is fecked at the moment, think the heat sent it do-lally, think will put my sim in a new handset whilst I get it fixed
ahhh well folks away, just back from weightwatchers put on 2lb...not to bad for 2 weeks all inclusive i know, but on my card i am back at the weight i was in may, for weeks i had been staying the same off/on and i am bloody sick at in, i dont wanna be a stick, just be healthy and not look at myself in disgudt and then maybe i wouldnt be so lonely, all i have for bloody company is my extra 4 stone of fat, and it getting me down more than anything at the moment :(
Sorry, even if I found someone, I would end up driving them away, sorry I just hate myself and things so much at the moment :(
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
If anyone is online or that then drop me a pm or post on here, I could really do with someone right now, not having a good night :(
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
I'm losing it and ok I am a bottle of wine to the good, I am sitting here looking at pics, and thinking how ****ing a waste of space I am, most of my friends I have pushed away and my family, well they got to like me don't they, thats obligatory you know but deep down they wouldn't if they had the choice
I reall need my cpn now and not in the morn, its too long away
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
8 hours till I see my cpn, I am really struggling to hold it together, I just took my quetiapine so I hope to fala sleep and i aint done nothing wreckless now noeeee and its time to sleep
nyt x
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
It's good to hear you aren't suicidal Cheryl. I hope you enjoy the film.
Laura - I think my SW was more concerned about the highs I have had when I haven't been drinking. Is it not perhaps me just being ok for once and because I am not used to it, it seems high?
Hollz - I hope your meeting with your cpn goes well.
Ferret - I'm sorry that your cpn is being so ****. Hopefully the people in the new area will be of more use.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
