Powerless?

[lexie820]

I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict. I got sober through AA, which has taught me that the first step to recovery is admitting you are powerless over the substance that you have a problem with. I fully accepted this in the beginning; I knew that once I took that first drink or drug, it would take over me.

Now, I'm not so sure. I've been having cravings to drink and somehow I get it in my head that I can just have enough to get that buzz I'm always looking for. I've been sober for almost six months and yet the obsession to drink has not been lifted. I sometimes wonder if I really am an alcoholic.

When I drank in the past, my purpose for drinking was always to achieve oblivion. I guess I've been trying to convince myself that if I have a new goal, to only get buzzed, that I will stop when I've had enough. My sponsor calls that "controlled drinking" and I often hear in meetings that if you really don't think you're an alcoholic, then to go back out and try some controlled drinking. That, of course, has always been appealing to me.

Since I got sober, my life has gotten so much better. But, at the same time, I feel as if I can never have fun. It's really frustrating. I know that at the root of it all, I really just want to be someone else. Drinking can make me feel like a different person. I know that I have to be comfortable with who I am as a sober person, but I've been so caught up in drinking and using drugs, that now that I'm sober, I don't know who that sober person in me is.

I'm doing the best I can. I bite the bullet and get through the particularly strong cravings, but it's times when I'm just sitting around doing not much of anything that I really start to think about it. I need some experience, strength, and hope on having a fufilling life without drugs or alcohol.

Thanks,
Lexie

[typsee]

Lexie .... your situation sounds so like mine that I had to double check to make sure that I didnt write this post! LOL!

I'm also an alcoholic, who also drank alcohol for the sole purpose of achieving oblivion .... and like you, after a substantial period of time being sober (for me its 7 years), I am also wondering whether or not I was a 'real alcoholic', and maybe I could just drink to get a bit tipsy and have a bit of fun, and relax. I feel that my life is completely different now than what it was when I drank to get drunk, and I'm just not sure that I would necessarily have as much of a problem with alcohol as I used to have in the past.

But in my situation, as I will advise you in YOUR situation .... Do you really want to take the RISK of drinking, just for a buzz and a bit of fun ...?
What if you found out that you COULDNT control your drinking, and that you couldnt stop after a few drinks?
What if you wanted to drink the next day, and then the next, and the next?
Do you really want to risk going back to where you were when alcohol was ruling your life?

It is THAT train of thought and asking myself those questions (^^ above ^^) that has stopped me in my tracks when I get these urges to want to drink.

As with you, my life is so much better now that I'm not drinking, and yeah sure - it pisses me off that I cant have fun with a few drinks at a party, and let loose like other people. And I do spend alot of time wondering whether or not I MIGHT be able to become a social drinker again ... and it really plays with my head.

But in the end, I am scared to death of going back to where I was when I was drinking ... and from the sounds of things, your life was probably no picnic when you were drinking either.

And do you REALLY want to take that risk?

And maybe if you DID drink, the first time you MIGHT be able to control how much you drink, and stop before it goes too far. And maybe the second time ayou could stop after a few drinks .... and maybe even the third time too.

But for me, the important part of being sober for so long, is that it a HUGE STEP to pick up that first drink. And the longer you stay sober, the bigger a decision it is to pick up that first drink. But once you decide to pick up your first alcoholic drink after a considerable amount of time being sober (and 6 months IS a good time - well done!), then you've jumped that BIG hurdle ... you've crossed that line between being a non-drinker to a social drinker, then it just becomes so much easier to pick up a drink the next time , and then the next next time and then the next next next time, and so on and so on. It just makes it too easy to go back down that road again and become a drunk.

But whatever you decide, you know its your decision totally .... but I will do my best to try and persuade you that I dont think its a good idea to go down this road hun .... and I'm only doing that because I know what its like to be having these sorts of thoughts, and even though you and I arent the same, I just think that a person who's had alcohol problems in the past, is alot safer being a non-drinker .. and that no one really needs alcohol to survive.

I am aware that there ARE people who can go from being an alcoholic, to being someone who only has a few drinks every now and then. Its NOT unheard of, and despite what AA may say, I believe that some people CAN make that change.

But I woudnt want to risk that I wont be one opf those people who can become a social drinker again ..... and I guess the question for you is do you really want to take that risk of picking up a drink to see whether you COULD just have a few drinks, and become a social drinker?

Whatever you do, dont make this decision lightly. Talk here some more if you need to ... talk to your sponser some more. Go to Meetings ... think really long and hard about whether you really want to go down this road.

Take care .

[svenn]

congratulations on 6 months. that is great. it can be a very tough time. it was for me. i also still had that obsession to drink and like you i wondered if i was an alcoholic. it took a lot to convince myself that i was. i spent a lot of time remembering all of the bad stuff and just how wrong my attitude towards booze was. i also went slightly mental when i found out i owed taxes. long story. and all that was after working the steps once.
i agree with tysee that there are some very hard core drinkers that can become social and moderate drinkers. but they tend not to still be obsessed with drinking after 6 months of sobriety.
when i had those thoughts about possibility about not being an aloholic it went like this:
well i can drink on my birthday
well it would be fine to drink on new years eve as well
once a month is cool
well maybe once a week
it's ok on the weekends
who needs a good nights sleep anyway
and i would get from once a year to nightly again within 2 days. that's just me. once i was able to a little time sober it always helped me to think out what would happen if i did take that first drink. like typsee said, even if you are not really an alcoholic, do you really want to go back to that life?

pm me any time you if you want to talk