Triggering (SI) - Overwhelmed

[starting_over]

i dont know what to do. I have not cut since june 19, 2007, although I have practiced other forms of self harm such as burning so i am not sure if i have technically accomplished anything really and if this date is significant. anyway my si of choice is cutting and I guess i have done well with not doing it in so long. i am under a tremendous amount of pressure and although burning and the other form of sh i have practiced have provided some relief since are they are not what i "really" wanted they have not relieved near as well as i would have liked making the fall seem worse since if i am going to fall off the wagon i should enjoy the fall, if that amkes any sense. anyway the latest addiction i have been fighting is smoking. i have asthma and just spent quite a bit of time on a ventalator from an attack. so as you can it does immediate harm and has the potential to kill me. i nearly died over a week ago because i was given penicillen which i am deathly allergic to. i had a very rough time recovering and barely escaped with my life. i came out of it with a new found stamina to live. heres the thing i told my therapist about this so she is expecting to see great changes since i had a near death experience and had to literally fight for my life. i am not suicidal right now but i want to cut alot and not just one but lots of really deep ones, hey if i am gonna lose almost 27 months i am going out with a bang. what do i do? she wants me to come in today at 5 because she suspects i may not be doing well. i keep saying i am fine but she says she doesnt believe me. i cant tell her that i wanna cut that badly. i agreed at first but now i wanna back out and she wont let me. she says she rescheduled another patient. i know she is trying to guilt me there. i know she cares, but maybe i dont want her to. maybe i wanna fall. i also wanna sneak a cigarette from my moms car and smoke it. the thing is i do not lie to this woman. if she asks if i smoked i will admit it, but then she will disappointed and i dont want that. what the heck do i do. i have the 4 kids, my grandma living with me. i am a full time student, in a scholars program working on my bachelors. why cant she just let me fall?

[Katiee]

Sweetie, I'm sorry you have so much going on right now. *hugs*
Please tell your therapist the truth about how you're feeling - she won't be disappointed. She wants to help and support you. It's not a bad thing asking for support and/or help.

Well done on not cutting in that long - that is absolutley amazinggg, so so so good! (: You should be extremely proud of yourself. xD

Please don't cut now, you can get through this. Could you use distractions/make an uh oh box? You can do this.

Hope you're alright.

xo

[starting_over]

I saw her yesterday and she suggested hospitalization. i said no. I spent 2 hours with her which I feel terrible about because it made her late getting home to her mom. I spoke with her this morning as there have been some problems with txt getting through in a timely manner. like she sent several that were at 10pm last night. i never got them till 7:30 am. I did not cut yet but I did some other bad things. thing is i brought all my stuff to school and plan to do it in next 30 min. or so. she spoke with me this morning and wants me to talk to psych and get some more meds. this is not a medication issue this is a personnal stress and tension issue. she also said if i could not control myself I would have to go inpatient. I cant i have school and the kids and i was inpatient the beginning of August for suicidal idiation, the method was 100% fatal and she called literally at the very moment I went to do it saying she had a bad gut feeling about me could she see me at 3pm that day just to see i was ok. I of course was not and was hospitalized. she knew this when she txt for that appointment but never let on. anyway my parents were very supportive that day but dad has never let it go. everytime I mention him seeing the councelor he say that she wont help cause she has been treating me and my mom and mom still gets outta wack ( she is bi-polar she cant help it) she was just diagnosed yesterday and given meds, and he says look at you she treats you and you ended up in a nut ward. he sure as hell wont know and if my parents find out the hospitalization is because i have my tools and am cutting they will freak because they know how long it has been since i cut and they think that i am cured. i also dont come here much cause i am so busy and nobody knows me so i really dont feel like i get much support when i need it. guess i am just bitching sorry

[PassedExpectations]

Ahh, that was alot to read, thanks for explaining though, it makes it easier to give advice, but that doesn't seem to be what you really want... so I don't really know what to say. Maybe the hospital would be helpful, you never know.

But you definently should stay on earth, think of everything you'd be taking away from yourself if you killed yourself, think of how your family would be... and don't you dare say that they wouldn't miss you, because you are part of the family and therefore play some role in how everyone interacts.

I don't really know what you are looking for here, so I'm sorry if this isn't helpful.