Triggering (Suicide) - When it all seems hopeless *also triggering OD*

TsvTux · 09-08-2009, 04:34 AM

I don't know where to go from here. My life seems to have taken on that hopeless state where no matter what I do, I am doomed to fail. I have forgotten after all these years of suicide attempts and periods in mental institutions, how to do anything that normal people do. Everyone around me says, why don't you do something fun. They have no idea that I have forgotten how to or what to. I try to do what my psychologist tells me to do, but most of the time I find that it is impossible for me to.

My next suicide attempt is always just a heartbeat away and my safety plan is not working, but try and tell people that and they don't want to hear it. I need help and the people who are supposes to be there to do just that, aren't. What do I do?

SallyMay · 09-08-2009, 06:34 AM

It is always hard to get people to listen to you when you are trying to tell them that you need help. I have a hard time. I have tried telling people I am not all better but yet no one really listens. If i tell them I cut they flip and say dont do it again... I wish I could tell you what you could do other then keep trying to tell them in diffrent ways... Just dont give up... Hugs

TsvTux · 09-08-2009, 08:19 AM

Thanks for those encouraging words as they remind me that I am not alone out there in the struggle and not fighting an un-winable fight. I have been speaking to Kahlia and we came up with the idea of using a cousellor for a while and seeing if that makes a difference.

There are so many thiings in my past that need to be let out and defused that the psychologists just don't get. I hope that this will be more successfull than my current approach.

Hugs to you Sally

Kahlia1981 · 09-08-2009, 10:45 AM

*hugs you tightly*

You are never alone in this fight. Always remember that. It is a winable fight. Life won't always deal out sh*t.

SallyMay · 10-08-2009, 02:46 AM

This fight is hard. My friends and family think I havnt cut in over two years... some know about "slip ups" but thats it. I cant confide in them everytime I do cut cus well they will think it is for attention and I dont blame them considering I have one friend I think she does just tell me all the time for attention.. although I would never tell her that... I love her too much and I want her better.

This fight is a winable fight. I know it is! I have seen people who have beat it! It is just not an easy battle! Remember to take things one step at a time. Healing takes time dont try and rush it too much because it can make things worst!

A counserlor sounds like a great idea! I hope this works out for you! Stay strong!

TsvTux · 10-08-2009, 01:04 PM

I used to think that there was some sort of natural justice in the world and it would sort it all out. How can there be when there is not even justice in my own head. I punish myself continuously for thigs that I had nothin to do with. My mental health team needs more help than I do, but what can you when that is the "best" there is. Maybe I need to move somewhere where they fund mental health and then actually get some treatment. Who knows. I am tired and depressed and should probably go to bed if I can, so I don't do anything studip.

Hugs to all

TsvTux · 13-08-2009, 08:24 AM

Hi all,

I am not sure as to how to describe the day that I have been having, but all in all it seems to have been a good one. I had a very intense session with my psychologist this morning after having to get up at an ungodly hour. The session, which normally leave me empty and wanting to kill myself, was uplifting and informative. There was a great amount of talk about demons from my past and it was great to be speaking with someone who genuinely seemed to care. Two weeks ago I would not have thought that I would be writing this, but I feel good.

I would love it if this feeling was one that I could maintain forever, but alas I know that isn't going to be the case. I think that I am just going to enjoy the moment and make the most of the now. It is a real chance to recharge the batteries for the next round of fights, which will come and which I will be ready for.

Hugs to all who need them.

TsvTux · 14-08-2009, 12:26 PM

My head is having all sort of miles that it is doing over my life. I am nearly thirty and have achieved nothing. That brings me down a bit in my self esteem. I may have the excuse that I have a Mental Illness and that has help me back, but that isn't washing in my head. I am still safe I think and the days since my last OD are building up, which are all great things, but they are not helping.

All that I can hope is that a good nights sleep and some serious study tomorrow will put all of these thoughts out with the trash, where they belong. I just hope that I make it that far without it getting too bad.

Kahlia1981 · 14-08-2009, 12:39 PM

Remember caring goes both ways and if you need to wake me then do so. I realise you won't get this until tomorrow anyway because I'm using your laptop but still ...

TsvTux · 16-08-2009, 01:13 PM

For just a couple of days my life was good. The meds were working, life was for once going to plan. Then came the crash and that started yesterday. Before I know it, my mood starts to drop uncontrollaby, which is not unusual as I have Bipolar, but it just kept on going. Then thoughts of suicide and ODing started to become prevalent in my mind and I was actually welcoming them. Normally I try to fight, but not this time. Had it not been for the help of Kahlia I would surely have ended up in hospital or the morgue. The thoughts are not passing though as they usually do. I am going to have to have an emergency phone conversation with my case worker tomorrow to see what can be done.

I can't sleep, I have to force myself to eat and I have to fight to stay alive. I am so tired of this, is there no end to it? No salvation?

Kahlia1981 · 18-08-2009, 09:30 AM

All I can do is offer my hugs and support. And tell you the new haircut looks great.

TsvTux · 18-08-2009, 10:21 AM

Today I can feel it again. That urge to just overdose on whatever and see if I can end this pointless exsistence. I have been getting worse over the last few days and now there is the point where I have make the decision. Do I fight this batttle again or just give up? I am just running out of energy and it seems that noone cares at times, which makes it even worse. How do I cope?

I am going to try and get some sleep, but faailing that I think I have to go the hospital, before I go and OD again. I feel like absolute **** and a total failure. Nothing I do ever comes out right and I spend ages apologising for my **** ups. I hope I make it through the night.

Kahlia1981 · 18-08-2009, 10:34 AM

Hon if you are feeling that way maybe you should ring CATT or go up to the hospital. I do care about you deeply and want you to stay safe. Please come and see me if things get worse.

TsvTux · 18-08-2009, 10:41 AM

I am going to go and call CATT, then probably the hospital. I am getting worse and not better. I can't hang in there much longer. I know that I need to OD.