Triggering (SI) - What it feels like (any thoughts are welcome)
You feel like the world is sitting on your chest.
It gets hard to breath, your breaths are shorter and shallower everytime you inhale.
You can't stay still.
You're in constant motion.
You got to bed, maybe you can relax.
You toss and turn.
You pull all the covers over your head trying to hid from it, but it always finds you.
You hug a pillow as tight as you can trying to force it away.
You curl up in a ball against the wall trying to keep it out.
Maybe if you hold your breath long enough it will disappear or at least maybe you will black out and the urge with you, but it never works.
Your curl your toes, you make fists.
You beat the pillows and kick the mattress.
You can't beat it away.
When it hits you, it hits you like a ton of bricks and it wraps itself around.
Takes control of you, it holds on tight and doesn't let go.
It beats you down until you give in.
Sometimes falling asleep frim exhaustian because you tried so hard, but then it comes to you in your dreams.
Then when you wake up it has a stronger grip on you than before.
You try to trick it.
You punch your leg until you are sure you'll bruise.
You snap rubber bands up and down your arm until you are numb.
You draw on your arm until it's black with ink.
But othing ever comes close, it can't be fooled.
Dragging that blade across your skin is the only way to get it to be quiet so you do.
The monster disappears...for now.
Until tomorrow, and you wonder is it really worth the fight, the exhaustian, the sleepless nights, feeling llike something is under your skin crawling?
Is it worth it?
You know you'll give in, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but it will catch up to you and you'll give in because you are too tired to fight anymore.
I've been there, exactly, word for word. Although I'm sad knowing that someone else is sharing this pain and the torment it can bring, I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way, and I'm thankful that someone can give the feelings voice, perfectly, as you have.
Here's to hoping that we all find strength when we're tired, and a safe place to lay our heads when we need to rest.
Definitely agree with Shu... What you have composed here, brings to light the depth of the mental and physical anguish anyone who battles with these demons of despair. Thank you posting this and many hugs headed your way...
Thank you guys. I kind of wrote it so maybe it will help me explain to someone what it feels like, didn't know if I got it just right or not. *HUGS to everyone*
hey sweetie,
i know that i can feel that way when im alone,
when im in a room with others i know i cant do it
cause i wont put them trough that. try and find someone just to sit with you, go have a shower, watch a movie, do u have any idea wats triggering this off?
I feel the same way. I've been in that situation before. Thank you for putting it into words, perfect words that I could never find. I'm sorry, though, that you had to experience this. Its horrible. The pain is horrible.
But the way you described it, it was great. I would print this off and show my friend to explain why I do it.
If you ever need to talk or anything, feel free to PM me!
Stay safe!
Vicky. xoxoxo
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.
"Gomenasai for everything. Gomenasai, I know I let you down. Gomenasai til the end, I never needed a friend like I do now. " - Tatu
Wow that's almost exactly how I feel. The tightness in the chest, sleeplessnes, the gripping fear.
Thank you for sharing that. I hope it gets better for you and easier to withstand. I've heard that the longer you go without it, the easier it gets. I guess that's true.
