Triggering (SI) - Everytime I cut....

[LaurieR]

I cut my wrist again today, I think it was deeper than last time and I could see the layer of subcutaneous fat. But I am still not satisfied. I hate the fact that the knife was too blunt, I hate the fact that I didn't go a lot deeper.

Everytime I cut I wonder how deep is 'deep enough'.
Everytime I cut I wonder how deep is 'too deep'.
I want to cut deeper, I want to cut through the layer of fat and reach the nerves and arteries. I have mental imageries of myself bleeding to death.

I have promised myself so many times that I will reach that stage one day. But I failed, again and again.

I just want to see myself bleed.

[sherlock holmes]

I used to feel the same as you. Nothing was ever deep enough, even when I was getting stitches. I dont think it ever ends. I had to break the cycle by stopping self harming altogether. I dread to think what would have happened if I didnt.

[LaurieR]

Thank you for your reply, I have had many stitches before and even x number of stitches was not enough. Perhaps one day I will be able to stop like you have done....

[tamobhuuta]

i have the problem too that even my deepest cuts aren't deep enough. i realised eventually that it would never be deep enough and that contributed to my trying to stop. i still get the thoughts now though of needing to cut deeper. i'm sorry, i don't know how to make them stop. do you have anyone you can talk to, a therapist or anyone?

[Zurg]

The thing about this is that it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. It will never be deep enough, bleed enough or look like you want it too. But you'll still strive for perfection and that can be a very dangerous road to head down.

It won't ever be satisfying enough. There'll always be a need to go further andfurther and then suddenly, one day, it'll go horribly wrong.

I have been where you are now. And it's a cold, lonely and horrible place to be. I always wanted to go further with each cut. I nearly lost my arm but it still wasn't good enough for me. But one day it went wrong. And that was my wake up call. I realised that if i continued down this road of total self destruction, i would eventually accidently kill myself.

It's harsh, but it's the truth. Hunni, it will NEVER be enough. Even if you nearly die from it, it still won't be good enough. It is like a horrible voice in your head and you need to find a way of silencing it. Because it's gonna trick you, it's gonna cheat yoi into doing horrible damage to yourself.

I hope you'll manage to silence this voice and find a way to rest within yourself. You might think you're nothing without the cutting, but the truth is you are so many colours and you don't need the cutting to be yourself....

[LaurieR]

Thanks so much for the replies. My psych is on holiday until the 24th so I can't speak to her just yet...and now I am trying so hard not to cut again...yes I do have a voice saying to me that it's never deep enough and I need to go further and further, and I wouldn't care whether I died or not because of it...I know this sounds so morbid but it's so true.

[ThinkingofRecovery]

I just want to say that I completely understand the feeling. I had been trying to keep my cutting to a minimum but I have an overwhelming urge recently to go deeper and deeper but I don't know if it will ever be enough.