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No one to share my 'yeay' with...
I dont have a friend in the real world, nor do I have any family that understand what I've gone through
so, random people of the internet...... ;)
I did six months without cutting OR self harming in any other way :) Ive been a cutter for 13 years. I was made a single mother five months ago so I have a very strong and independant toddler to try to fight with every day! lol! Even though dad walked out I've tried to sort it out only to be assaulted by both of his parents and have social services threatened to me. He's been as awkward as possible and very very nasty. His dad called me a sicho and said "look at my arms, no cuts, you f**king looney", but I didnt rise to it cos Im stronger than that petty man and his family! I've cut him off totally as of monday and Im sure Im doing the right thing for my daughter cos she deserves better, and so do I.
I also lost my job at the end of June, but I think this is a bit of a relief as I was working 45 hours a week on minimum wage and never seeing my daughter. I have a first degree in Early Years and was doing NVQ2 level work in a nursery, so it was very degrading for me but money nonetheless.
I've had three trips to the A+E department for 'extreme mania' and suicidal urges, but I've initiated all those times, cos I dont wanna die. I have my daughter to live for. The evil me tells me that she'd be better off without me, but in my rational journal I've written in my handwriting a convincing arguement against that, and I know that Im suh an excellent mummy and she'd be lost without me.
My background is that I was sexually abused by my uncle from birth until I was 12 with the aid of my family. Needless to say back at home mum was not a mum and would neglect me but look after my lil sister like she was a princess (still the same now). I started to cut at 12 when I realised that what they were doing was wrong. Mum kicked me out a year later cos her 17 year old boyfriend was brutally sexually abusing me and she thought I was in a relationship with him. Lived rough for 5 years but still went to school and got my GSCE's. Got my first house when I was 17 (I lied and said I was 18 for the tenancy). Studied my A-levels whilst working full time at burger king. The year before I went to uni I had menigitis. Went to uni, First year over, had a car accident that meant I needed a scriber for a year as my right hand didnt work. Two years into my degree my best friend commited suicide at xmas. My best friend I'd been close to since I was 11 years old, he was part of me. Met a bloke a few months later and got knocked up within three months :/ baby was born, volience started, strangling me whilst I was holding my new born, cracking my rib trying to throw me over the stair banister, crushing my bad hand so that I needed the hospital. Eight weeks before xmas 08 I was told that the lady who rented our house to us wanted us out by xmas. Nice. Moved in here and its like Shameless, I swear without a lie. No carpets, couldnt open the back door as the brambles were that thick and high. Daddy stuck around for a little while, i kept trying for the sake of my daughter. His mother came around and started to throw my daughter toys in a bin bag saying she had too many, I got upset, she hit me whilst I was a foot away from my daughter. Dad took her side, walked out. Now he's living with his mummy and daddy, not paying a penny towards our daughter. He had her for the night last weekend and he went out in the piss with his mates instead, leaving my daughter with his parents. That how much he cares.
But you know what, after all I've lived through and overcome, I wouldnt change it for the world. Its taught me how to be a better person. A strong person who faces up to challenges instead of hiding away. I know how to be a fantastic parent because I didnt have one myself. Im gonna make it to a year, I know I am, I've got to :)
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